Hercules Page #4

Trust me, kid. You're gonna be|just what the doctor ordered.

It was tragic!|We lost everything in the fire.

everything|except old Snowball here.

Now were the fires|before or after the earthquake?

They were after the earthquake.|I remember.

But before the flood.

Don't even get me started|on the crime rate.

Thebes has certainly|gone downhill in a hurry.

Tell me about it.

It seems like every time|I turn around...

there's some new monster|wreakin' havoc and I...

All we need now|is a plague of locusts.

That's it!|I'm movin' to Sparta!

Excuse me.

It, uh...

seems to me that|what you folks need is a hero.

Yeah, and who are you?

I'm Hercules, and, uh...

I happen to be a hero.

- Is that so?|- A hero!

Have you ever saved|a town before?

Uh, no. Uh, not exactly, but I...

Have you ever reversed|a natural disaster?

Well, uh, no.

Oh, listen to thi... He's just another|chariot chaser. This we need.

That's a laugh.

- Don't you pea brains get it?|- Hmm?

This kid is the genuine article.

Hey, isn't that the goat-man|who trained Achilles?

Watch it, pal.

Yeah, you're right.|Hey, uh, nice job on those heels!

Ya missed a spot!

You... I got your heel|right here!

I'll wipe that stupid grin|off your face! You...

Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil!

What are you, crazy? Sheesh.

Young man, we need|a professional hero...

not an amateur.

Well, wait. Stop!

How am I supposed|to prove myself a hero...

if nobody|will give me a chance?

You'll get your chance.

You just need some kind|of catastrophe or disaster.

Please. Help! Please!|There's been a terrible accident!

- Meg?|- Speakin' of disasters.

Wonderboy! Hercules!

- Thank goodness.|- Wha-Wha-What's wrong?

Oh! Outside of town.

Two little boys.|Th-They were playing in the gorge.

Th-There was this rock slide,|a terrible rock slide.

- They're trapped!|- Kids? Trapped?

Phil, this is great!

You're really choked up|about this, aren't ya?

- Come on!|- No, I... You don't under...

I, I have this terrible fear|of heights!

I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo!

I'm way behind ya, kid.

I got a fur wedgie.

- Are you okay?|- I'll be fine.

Just get me down|before I ruin the upholstey.

Help! I can't breathe!

- Hurry!|- Get us out!

We're suffocating!

Somebody call IX-I-I!

Easy, fellas.|You'll be all right.

We can't last much longer!

Get us out before we get crushed!

- How you boys doin'?|- We're okay now.

Jeepers, mister.|You're really strong.

Well, just ty to be a little|more careful next time, okay, kids?

We sure will.

Stirring performance, boys.

I was really moved.

"Jeepers, mister"?

I was going for innocence.

And, hey, two thumbs way,|way up for our leading lady.

What a dish.|What a doll.

Get outta there, ya big lug,|while ya still can.

Phil, I-I did great.

They even applauded. Sort of.

Huh! I hate|to burst your bubble, kid...

but that ain't applause.

Ph-Ph-Ph-Phil?|What do you call that thing?

Two words:

am-scray!

Let's get ready to rumble!

That's it. Dance around!|Dance around!

Watch the teeth! Watch the teeth!|Keep going. Come on. Come on.

Lead with your left.|Lead with your left. Your other left!

Whoa!

All right! All right!|You're bad! Okay!

See, Phil?|That... That wasn't so hard.

Kid, kid, kid.|How many horns do you see?

- Six?|- Eh, close enough.

Let's get you cleaned up.

Guys, guys, relax.|It's only halftime.

That doesn't sound good.

Definitely not good!

Will you forget|the head-slicing thing?

Phil, I don't think we covered this one|in basic training!

My favourite part of the game:

sudden death.

Oh. There goes another one.

Just like Achilles.

Game...

set, match.

Hmm?

Phil, you gotta admit.

That was pretty heroic.

Ya did it, kid! Ya did it!|Ya won by a landslide!

Hades mad.

Well, what do you know?

From that day forward,|our boy Hercules could do no wrong.

He was so hot,|steam looked cool.

Oh, yeah

Bless my soul|Herc was on a roll

Person of the week|in every Greek opinion poll

- What a pro|- Herc could stop a show

Point him at a monster|and you're talkin 'SRO

- He was a no one|- A zero, zero

- Now he's a honcho|- He's a hero

Here was a kid|with his act down pat

Zero to hero in no time flat

- Zero to hero|-Just like that

When he smiled|the girls went wild

With oohs and aahs

And they slapped his face|on every vase

On every "vahse"

From appearance fees|and royalties

Our Herc had cash to burn

Now nouveau riche and famous

He could tell you|what's a Grecian urn

Say amen|There he goes again

- Sweet and undefeated|- And an awesome ten for ten

Folks lined up|just to watch him flex

And this perfect package|packed a pair of pretty pecs

Hercie, he comes|He sees, he conquers

Honey, the crowds|were goin 'bonkers

- He showed the moxie brains and spunk|- Yeah

- From zero to hero|- A major hunk

- Zero to hero|- And who'd have thunk

Who put the glad in gladiator

Hercules

Whose darin 'deeds|are great theatre

Hercules

- Isn't he bold|- No one braver

- Is he sweet|- Our favourite flavour

- Hercules|- My man.

- Hercules|- Hercules

- Hercules|- Ooh

- Hercules|- Look at my Hercules

- Hercules, Hercules|- Yeah, yeah, yeah

Bless my soul|Herc was on a roll

- Undefeated|- Riding high

- And the nicest guy.|- Not conceited

- He was a nothing|- A zero, zero

- Now he's a honcho|- He's our hero

He hit the heights|at breakneck speed

From zero to hero

Herc is a hero

Now he's a hero

Yes, indeed

Pull!

Nice shootin', Rex.

I can't believe this guy.|I throw everything I've got at him...

and it doesn't even...

What are those?

Um, I don't know.|I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.

I've got 24 hours|to get rid of this bozo...

or the entire scheme I've been setting|up for 18 years goes up in smoke...

and you are wearing|his merchandise?

Thirsty?

Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy|is hitting every curve you throw at him.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder if maybe|I haven't been throwing...

the right curves at him,|Meg, my sweet.

Don't even go there.

See, he's gotta have|a weakness...

because everybody's|got a weakness.

I mean, for what?|Pandora, it was the box thing.

For the Trojans, hey.|They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

We simply need|to find out Wonderboy's.

I've done my part.|Get your little imps...

They couldn't handle him|as a baby.

I need somebody|who can handle him as a man.

Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.

Well, you know, that's good|because that's what got you...

into this jam in the first place,|isn't it?

You sold your soul to me|to save your boyfriend's life.

And how does this creep thank you?

By running off|with some babe.

He hurt you real bad,|didn't he, Meg? Huh?

Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

Which is exactly why|I got a feelin'...

you're gonna leap|at my new offer.

You give me the key|to bringing down Wonder Breath...

and I give you the thing|that you crave most...

in the entire cosmos:

your freedom.

You should|have been there, Father.

I mangled the Minotaur...

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