Here Comes the Groom Page #10

Esther? Put that down.

What he means is, dear,

that you're just not whistle-bait.

- Whistle-bait?

- Yeah. Don't you know from whistles?

Well, I...

- Nobody ever do that to you?

- Why, of course not. How common!

George.

This is a complete overhaul job.

I can see that right now.

Look, there's a pair of pajamas in the

bedroom there. Will you put them on?

- Mr. Garvey!

- Go, hurry up. I've only got four days.

- Four days to do what?

- To make you into a Jones.

I'm Pygmalion Pete, they call me.

But I can't Pygmalion if you stand

around in those soaking clothes.

I'm gonna sculpt you into

a little production, a little one

that's gonna knock Cousin Wilbur

right on his ear.

- Why?

- Why what?

Why do you want me to knock

Cousin Wilbur...?

I mean, why are you so anxious for me

to be attractive to Cousin Wilbur?

Can I level with you?

I wish you would.

I've never been so confused in my life.

I want to marry

Emmadel Jones myself.

Will you help me?

Can I level with you?

You've been in love

with Cousin Wilbur all your life.

Yes, and I'll do anything

short of murder.

Winnie, I love you.

I love you, love you!

That's the first time a man

ever said that to me.

- You're kidding.

- I like it.

It's nice.

- I should've taken this up long ago.

- Sure.

- Pajamas, you say? In there?

- Pajamas. Go ahead.

Oh, that walk.

The walk's a brute, you walk like you're

taking a sobriety test, like a Stanley.

Walk like a Jones, barge around, like a

live bait boat, like Emmy does, like this.

Makes you a colorful tomato. Now, go

get the pajamas. Come on, hurry up.

You'll still be here too, won't you?

Sure, sure. Running a newspaper

is just a hobby with me.

- I'll be right down, Esther.

- Where you going?

- Going to work. I eat, remember?

- Are you kidding?

- This is great. I just found my burr.

- Her?

Yes, a great big blond beautiful burr.

I'll slip her right under Emmy's saddle.

I won't be down today, Esther.

I'm going to a rodeo.

Now you're thinking, George.

- Mr. Cusick?

- Yes.

- How do you spell that name?

- C-U...

Pardon, stand over here.

You're right in the sun.

- Oh, that's quite all right.

- We spell it C-U-S-I-C-K.

You're one of the few people

who say it correctly.

- Polish?

- Pol...?

Oh, no, no, sir.

American for generations.

- How long in the Immigration Service?

- Twenty-five years next January.

- It's a long and honorable career.

- Yes, sir.

Now about Mr. Garvey.

If he isn't married by Saturday,

- he loses the children, right?

- Yes, they go back to France.

Cusick, I know the children,

and I like them very much.

My bride-to-be is sort of hipped on

the subject of children. Any children.

And I am getting married Saturday.

How about a bid for the little Frenchies

if he should miss connections?

To adopt them yourselves,

Mr. Stanley?

To adopt them ourselves.

First, the basic fundamental principle

in Pygmalion Pete's School of Charm

is that you gotta laugh, be happy,

be gay, be insouciant.

Bubble, live, enjoy life.

- With Uncle Elihu?

- Uncle Whola-who?

- Uncle Elihu.

- Who's he?

Oh, he considers himself head

of the family and he breeds horses

and mentally breeds Stanleys

and thinks my blood's too blue.

- Too blue for what?

- There aren't any Stanleys under 30.

He thinks there should be

more red blood.

- Ah, like the Jones blood.

- Yes. Yeah.

He thinks I'm as barren as

a weed patch. How does he know?

Yes, how does he know? It's just that

he's afraid, like all the Stanley clan.

Afraid of themselves, of you.

You're afraid of you.

- I'm not afraid!

- Of course not.

Barren, indeed. A great big beautiful

girl like you might have 20 children.

You'll have a football team,

platoon system, offense and defense.

It's because he's afraid. He's never

relaxed, never learned to enjoy life.

No fun, no bubble,

no laughs, no chuckles.

Have you ever had a real big laugh

in your life?

Well, yes. I guess so.

Well, let me hear you laugh once. Let's

hear a right nice, big, raucous laugh.

- That's a raucous laugh, huh?

- Pretty sick.

That's nothing, nothing at all.

Can't you laugh?

How do you expect me to laugh

when there's nothing to laugh at?

You don't need anything. You laugh at

life because it's fun, good, enjoyable.

- Well, all right. Go ahead, you laugh.

- Why, sure.

Remember we were coming home

from Wellesley on the old bus,

and the tailgate fell off,

and you fell out in the snow?

Do you remember that...?

You remember when

we were in Worcester?

- The time when the...

- Cop came up and fell off his cycle...

And we got off at the...

- What's so funny?

- Oh, I don't know.

But it's the best laugh

I've had in years.

I'm afraid we're rushing her too fast.

We're bringing her along too rapidly.

She's not ready to laugh yet.

We'll get back to something else.

Now, the walking, the promenade,

the way you walk. It's very important.

We gotta work. It's like you're stepping

over a bonfire.

Now, go up and down here

a couple of times.

Now, watch this, George.

This is very important. This is basic.

Men notice how girls walk.

It's the first thing they...

That's nothing. That's too prissy.

Just like a Stanley, too much Stanley.

You gotta get a little Jones in it.

- You're afraid.

- I'm not afraid.

You're scared to death.

Now, let's see you go again.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

- That's Ma Jones!

- That's pretty good.

That's too much.

We gotta cut that in half.

Dilute that, cut it down 50 percent

and we might be getting somewhere.

Now, let's see about

50 percent of that.

Pete! He whistled! At me!

Thank you!

- Of course he did. Why wouldn't he?

- You see?

Another thing, don't look down at men.

It gives them an inferiority complex,

makes them feel like they're in

the morning lineup. Here, sit down.

Look up at men like Emmy does.

Tilt your head a little.

- Like this?

- Give it a little like that.

Now, give them those limpid blues.

Bat those lashes. Fan and flip them.

- Oh, now we're moving!

- I think you're getting to me.

- I feel so silly.

- What's wrong with feeling silly?

Men love silly girls. Emmadel Jones

is the silliest girl you've ever seen.

Why, Emmadel breaks up at funerals,

she's so silly.

There's nothing wrong,

men love it.

They adore a silly girl,

makes them feel protective.

Isn't she silly? She's cute,

but she's silly. They like them.

- Right, George?

- Yeah.

And another thing,

you must learn to wrestle.

- Wrestle?

- Wrestle.

- Here's where I came in.

- Wait a minute, George!

Wrestling's important. It breaks

them down, loosens up theirjoints.

Makes you supple. Besides, you may

have to fight Emmy for Wilbur.

- Fight her for him.

- I'll fight anything.

What do you weigh and who's

your manager? We'll book you Friday.

- Ever seen a headlock?

- No.

How do you think Emmy

got Wilbur to propose?

She hit him with a walkover headlock

just like this. There we go.

Get the headlock on him, and you

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