High School Page #2

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Henry, hey, hey.

Look, I'm sorry.

I drive like sh*t when I'm high.

You were high at 8:00

in the morning?

Yeah, of course.

I'll help you pay for it, all right?

I'll float you some casheesh.

Well, thanks, man.

I'm sorry about

the whole burner, flunky thing.

Oh, no.

It's all good, you know.

- I get worse from my dad, so...

- Right.

- Yeah.

- How's he doir?

Who's he doir?

He's probably balls deep

in some Jell-O mold as we speak.

Right.

So, um, this is me.

Obviously.

Hey, you remember

how I caught you jerking off

with BENGAY

when you were, like, 12?

- Yeah.

- Aw, yo, that sh*t must have burned!

- Yeah, that's funny.

- I told everybody, and you ran off

in the woods like some

fuckir cracked-out Hobbit.

- Yeah, no, no. I remember.

- Yo, there were helicopters

- looking for you and sh*t.

- I remember the helicopters.

I was always wondering what the f***

they were saying to each other.

- Think about it.

- Really?

"Uh, looking for the kid

who just jerked off. Over."

"Did he just come? Over."

"Negativo, Ghost Rider.

Looking for a case of blue balls. Over."

It was like a scene from "The Fugitive,"

but with a naked kid.

Yeah, that's not really proper

pilot speak, but I guess...

I'm just saying we had

some good times.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Yeah.

The hell happened, do you think?

High school.

Yeah, no doubt.

Hey, look, you know, I was driving

by the old 'hood yesterday.

You remember that tree house,

that lockbox we built?

Yeah, sure. Still there?

Wanna go find out?

- Awesome.

- Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, man, all this sh*t was

so important back in the day, man.

- Henry:
Look at these.

- What?

- You look like a fat Billy Ray Cyrus.

- Yo, wait, man.

We should be fuckir high for this.

This is pharmaceutical-grade

Hindu Kush.

What? Do you have

a prescription for weed?

- You don't?

- What? What does that...

You haven't gotten

high before, have you?

You're afraid you're gonna end up

ripping down big loads

in a cave

with the Shoe Bomber?

Getting high, it's... it's like freedom.

Smells, tastes, feelings...

they all become, like,

four-dimensional.

When everyting irie,

everyting go twing twing.

Yeah, let me...

- F*** it.

- Be somebody.

So it begins.

Can't wait to have an ex-wife, man.

Can't wait for that sh*t.

Whers the good part kick in?

Like the... like

the fourth-dimensional stuff.

I want the freedom.

Whers the freedom kick in, Breaux?

L... I want the freedom.

Should we even be here right now?

I mean, won't people

get suspicious?

I mean, they'll call the cops,

send helicopters.

I hate f***ing helicopters.

No, nobody's gonna

do anything, man.

We're trespassing.

I mean, do you feel this?

'Cause, holy sh*t, I mean,

I don't even think this is...

Oh, God.

- You okay?

- The freedom hasn't

kicked in yet, a**hole!

Hey, what we need to do

right now is just relax.

F***, God damn it!

Where are you?!

Where the f*** are you?!

Helicopters everywhere!

Everywhere!

Breaux over radio: Uh, looking

for the kid who just jerked off. Over.

Did he just come? Over.

Negativo, Ghost Rider.

Looking for a case of blue balls. Over.

There were helicopters.

They were hunting me down.

- It's your phone.

- Sh*t.

What time is it?

Party time.

- Hey.

- Girl:
Henry, where are you?

- I'm so sorry.

- We're all here waiting for you.

- Yeah, I'll be there in 20. F***!

- What's going on?

I'm borrowing this. I gotta go

to the annual bake sale prep.

- Can you drive?

- You wanna go now?

Yeah. Yeah, I wanna go now.

All right, man.

Well, I want some road-head, then.

I hope you're good

at swallowing, bro.

It's how I like it.

- Ahh.

- We need some more green.

- Boy:
She's got ass for days.

- Boner.

Hey, Sharky. What's crackir?

What's crack-a-lackir?

Girl:

Good job. Good, good.

Hey, Sharky. What's crackir?

- What's crack-a-lackir?

- What up, tough guy?

- Hey, Sharky...

- Oh!

I got it.

F***!

Oh, I just got my eyebrow

pierced yesterday!

- About freakir time.

- Hey, guys. Sorry.

- You're such a f***ing a**hole.

- What?

Sharky Ovante

just gave you an opening!

Microscopic, but still.

You blew it.

Yeah.

We grew up next door

to each other.

We used to play together

till she grew breasts.

And that was that.

I ran the numbers.

Assuming we both ace our finals,

it seems to me

you have valedictorian

by 3/100ths of a percentage.

Salutatorian is a pretty big deal,

too, Sebastian, so...

- Still second place, though.

- Well, I suppose

the hinge upon which fate swings

is a capricious one.

- Why are your eyes all red?

- Excuse me, everyone.

Can I please have your attention?

Very impressive, spirit team.

Can you please put her down?

Uh, hey, listen.

We're doing a live

television interview outside,

so if you could all just, you know,

stop throwing each other up in the air

and keep the volume level down,

that'd be great.

- Okay? Thank you.

- Sorry.

And now we'll go live

to Julia Louise Hugo

- at Morgan High School. Julia?

- In five, four, three, two...

I understand that you have

a statement regarding

your student, Charlyne Phuc,

who was recently arrested...

Miss Phuc is no longer

a student of this institution,

and I have requested

that her standing

as three-time

State Spelling Bee Champion

be officially revoked.

Morgan is one of the finest

high schools in this state.

We demand excellence,

not inebriation.

And to reassure our students,

parents, faculty,

and board of regents

of this high standard,

we are conducting

a controlled-substance screening

on campus tomorrow.

All students are required

to participate,

and any student who does not

pass the screening

will be immediately expelled.

Cheese and crackers.

No, no, no, no.

I was trying for genial

and it came off wimpy.

I'd like to be stronger.

Could we try this again?

We're live.

What?

No, no, no, it's great.

Keep shooting. Looks great.

We gotta be clear

by tomorrow morning.

- What drug?

- Shrooms.

- Yeah, we split an eighth.

- How long ago did you take them?

- Hmm. About an hour ago?

- What strain?

Hold on. Hey.

You know what strain we ate?

Dinosaur bones.

- Are your parents home?

- I think.

- Have you been drinking?

- Look at your face.

Did you smoke marijuana

with these mushrooms?

It's all stroked out.

- Sorry.

- What?

So it might be that sh*t

we ate on prom night.

- I'm looking for Breaux.

- Gordors been pulling

- this Nazi sh*t forever.

- Did you call the police?

My dad's gonna cancel

the Spice Channel if I get expelled,

beat me up

with my own severed cock.

Let... yo, let me call you right back.

- What?

- You did this to me.

Do you have any idea

how screwed I am right now?

Look, chill, man.

You're causing a scene.

I'm causing a scene?

Causing a scene? What?!

What?

Look, there are other people

trippir balls

pretty hard core right now.

Dude, I'm not like other people.

Okay? I don't trip on balls.

Okay? If I'm busted, I can kiss

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