High School Page #3

---

my MIT scholarship good-bye.

My entire life

is on the line right now.

Yeah, all right. Hey, you guys,

the pumpkins are trying to kill us.

You gotta go talk to 'em.

Come on, seriously, go.

- What's with them?

- Come on.

This is my cleansing box.

It's for emergency situations.

We've got goldenseal,

but I think they test for that now.

Tea regimen, but it takes

something like two to three days.

There's always urine masks,

but sometimes your piss

can come out a little too clean.

Like it's not even urine anymore.

It's Aquafina.

Okay, so what else

do we have, man? Is that it?

There's the piss pump.

It's classic, but if they frisk you,

they're gonna find it.

- Right.

- The bottom line is anything you use

will buy you a 40% chance

of passing.

That's an F.

That's an F, Breaux.

You know, this is what

they warn you about in that video.

It starts out fun until you start

clawing your eyes out

in a padded cell with al-Qaeda.

One hit could really ruin your life.

I mean, you could always

go around to high schools.

You know, like,

"Don't be like me. I blew it.

Threw my life down

the garbage disposal...

for weed."

Come on!

- Hey, I'm playing, man.

- This is a big deal, Breaux.

I need your... this is a big deal!

Yeah, I know, man.

# Have you ever

watched the sun go down #

# And you're thinking

'bout the world spinnir round? #

# Have you ever

been high as f***? #

# You're in the bathroom mirror

talking to yourself #

# And your dog's lookir at you

like you need help #

# Have you ever been

high as f***? #

Oh.

Have you been throwing

cold cuts at my window?

Yo, have you been crying?

Yo, meet me

at the tree house, gangster.

Yo, who the f*** touched my whip?

Got you!

"Sodium aluminum sul..."

There's aluminum in this?

What the f***?

Look, uh, what if we

walked in tomorrow,

failed the drug test,

and no one even noticed?

What if you could fail and still be

valedictorian and still go to MIT?

- Jesus Christ, you're high again.

- Yeah, I'm always high...

Dude, that's a stoner fantasy, man.

How could I fail the drug test

and no one care?

- If everyone fails.

- Of course.

If we can't pass the test, fine.

F*** it.

Let's get the whole school high.

Oh, my God.

Please tell me you're kidding.

Tomorrow is the bake sale, right?

We swap in bud brownies,

everyone gets blazed, everyone fails.

They'll have to throw

the test results away.

We won't even use a lot.

All right?

Just enough to muddy the waters.

They'll barely test positive.

Most people won't even notice.

They'll just be a little slow.

- A little slow.

- At times like this,

you need to think like a stoner.

Where are we gonna get

that much weed?

- What?

- What?

What? What?

You're right.

I harvested the crop

a few hours too early.

Ah! I'm so stupid.

Fuckir... so fuckir stupid!

Stupid!

- What?

- What?

What? What?

I'm sorry.

I hate for you to see me this way.

What?

There's this guy... Psycho Ed.

He was like a child prodigy.

Graduated from high school at 15.

Passed the bar exam

before he was old enough to drink.

But then he went

to a foam party in Baja,

smoked a dust blunt

supposedly laced with PCP,

burned something out

in his fuckir brain.

Dropped out the legit world

and became...

Let me guess... a drug dealer.

Yeah, but he's got this sh*t...

it's better than weed.

It's called kief,

and it's really hard to make

because you need a massive crop

of some crypto-dank herb

on a 32-part-per-million

flowering solution cycle.

Psycho Ed:

Calculated to harvest each bud

when its psychoactive component

is at its absolute apex.

Then I process the buds

to extract the excess THC,

the fruit of an entire harvest.

One misstep

and the crystals are history.

This is kief.

This will seriously

f*** you up.

Hold on, m-man.

You... you want to steal

a psycho drug dealer's

personal kief?

Precisely.

Look, the Daves scored a dime bag

from him this afternoon,

took a look at the place,

told me the whole setup,

- where the keys are.

- Man, this is insane!

- I can't do this!

- You can. It's not.

Look, I know what you're thinking.

- You know, he's got a gun...

- No.

Breaux, I was not thinking that.

Look, at times like this, we can't think

about the things that could go wrong.

We just gotta grab the balls

and go for it.

- The balls. I'm grabbing the balls.

- Exactly.

Whose balls? Stop, Breaux.

- No, I can't do this, man.

- It's easy, okay?

Just hop the back fence,

wait for my signal,

and then bing, bang,

boom, and we dip.

What kind of plan is that?

Breaux. F***.

"Beware of my f***ing dog."

- F***!

- Hey.

What the f*** are you doing out here?

Come on, get in here. Come on.

- Come on! Get in here!

- Okay, okay.

- Have you been crying again?

- F*** off.

Okay.

It's really dicey in here,

so give me exactly one minute

and then get the key from the door

and head to the back.

He keeps the kief

in a freezer in the grow room.

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop, I'm serious.

F***. F***.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Okay, okay.

Ain't a strip club, you f***.

Thanks, brother man.

Everybody says your weed

is the dank sh*t.

Yeah, well, everyone's right.

Time for you

to get the f*** out.

Well, what about, you know,

weed etiquette?

What?

You know, now I'm supposed

to smoke you out with your own sh*t.

It's like weed tax.

Do I look like I need you

to get me stoned?

My God,

looks like somebody poured

snake blood in your eyeballs.

Thanks.

Maybe you could

give me some advice?

What?

I bought some seeds online...

- Oh!

- Moron!

Never buy anything online.

This botanist in Portland

knows how to make

the most of what you got.

And where to grow.

Yo, could you print this out

for me, bromeslice?

That's Paranoid.

- Yo, why do they call you Paranoid?

- What? Why you wanna know, man?

Yo, is that, like... is that like

an alarm or something?

Timer.

I'm fully automated.

Oh, sh*t.

Now piss off.

Shh...

- What the hell is that?

- That's the alarm.

Ah.

He's got the deep beef.

You better not be fuckir with me.

I told you not to f*** with me.

Hey, who the f*** are you, man?

- What, does ganja affect your hearing?

- What?

I've been knocking for,

like, five minutes.

I'll punch you in the head, man.

Who the f*** is this guy, bro?

- You told him your name?

- What?

- Huh?

- He's my... he's my ride, my ride.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm his ride.

Come on, man,

we gotta get the car back

before my dad gets back.

He's a renegade cop

with a power mullet.

Works the late shift,

likes to shoot things.

- Hey.

- What?

Hmm?

- Yo.

- What?

- What?

- What?

What? What?

Yo, you woke my frog, c*nt.

Frogs sleep?

- What?

- What?

- What?

- What?

What?

Adios, muchacho.

Muchsimas gracias.

Hey, next time,

leave Chong at home.

Okay.

- What?

- What?

- What? What?

- Jesus f***ing Christ.

Yo! G-G-Go!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- Who sent you?!

- Holy sh*t!

two two-inch brownies apiece.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes