High School Page #4

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We're gonna need 42 boxes

of brownie mix, 15 dozen eggs...

- Oh, sh*t!

- 11 bottles of canola oil, and...

- Hector, clean-up on aisle two.

- F***.

- Hey, these are on sale.

- So what, man?

These are the ones that taste good.

Wait, wait, wait.

This is white cake.

It's for me.

# Stained roads #

# Opposite direction #

# Hearts are feeling cold #

# Minds are dejected #

# We want the same things #

# Not just for ourselves #

# Created for me #

# A personal hell... #

# Take this #

# Take this with you #

# The two do not exist #

# In conjunction... #

Dr. Gordon,

the board members are here to see you.

This is the most important day

of your life.

# Hold on to #

# These ebbs and flows #

# Please, please, please,

don't let me... #

Move. Dump them out, man.

We gotta go, quick.

No sh*t.

Let's go.

Come on, we gotta move.

- Shut up.

- Quicker, quicker, quicker. Let's go.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- # Don't cut me, cut me out #

- There's a car here.

A shepherd must be held

accountable for his sheep.

That is why I welcome

the board's review

of our new zero-tolerance policy

on controlled substances.

Today, Morgan High

is conducting

its first ever student screening.

No drug tests! No drug tests!

Greetings, fellow Patriots.

This is your assistant dean,

Brandon.

Just a reminder that today

is the annual end-of-the-year

PTA bake sale

with benefits going toward

the band and track team

to get new uniforms.

So don't count calories

or carbs today.

You know I'm not.

# Necessity... #

Today is the dawning

of a new era here at Morgan.

And I, Dr. Leslie Gordon,

give you my personal assurance

that you will never, ever

hear of another student

from Morgan High

being under the influence

of any illicit drug

ever again.

Punch?

These are fuckir good.

All right, kids, we're only gonna

get a few more chances

to do this this year,

so here we go.

I really don't like doing this...

seven, six...

this is not a test...

five, four...

get to class.

But... but was it...

Chicken quesadilla?

What?

Sh*t.

What's the matter, man?

I could fix you another one.

Yo, Edwin, you all right, man?

Chad, please take the roll sheet

to the administration office.

- Chad!

- What?

What? What?

The roll sheet to the office.

Oh, sh*t.

Just go.

Dana, Jeffrey, please read

today's announcements.

Wha... what?

I got webbed hands.

L... I've never noticed that.

What?

Name?

Name!

Uh...

I have a nickname.

Finger.

Oh, and, um, Acorn Dick.

It's un... it's unfortunate.

So which one do you want first?

Hands up.

Got any sharp objects? Needles?

Porta-Potty to your left.

Here is the plastic...

I like your... your tats.

You're not on the Suicide Girls

website, are you?

Does this nurse look

totally insectoid to you?

Thought I saw you on there.

I'll text you.

What the f***, man?

People are losing their sh*t right now.

According to... according to

"Stoner of the Year,"

bud brownies are the most dangerous

and terrifying inebriate.

The thing about them is you keep

getting higher and higher.

It does not stop.

How much kief did you use, man?

Uh, you know, a smidge, a shake,

a Martha Stewart steeze.

Okay, I spilled it, all right?

A sh*t-load.

- All right...

- Sebastian:
Did you hear?

Someone locked the PTA moms

in the weight room.

Looks like Dean Gordon installed

that new surveillance system

just in time.

Oh, right, you wouldn't know.

I mean, I only know

because, of course,

you know, I tutor his son Mark

and I overheard it.

Cameras everywhere.

It's an Orwellian wet dream.

- Henry, slow down.

- We're going to jail.

- Gordon caught us on camera.

- We don't know that.

- And even if he did, we can fix this.

- Yeah? How?

I don't know, the footage...

we don't even know if they watched it.

- We'll just fuckir find it.

- Dr. Gordors son.

Let's go have a chat

with that veining dildo.

Wait, no, no, no. I can't.

I'm late for my first final.

Forget your final.

This is important.

You don't get it, man. If I screw up

my final, I'm just as f***ed.

Okay, I'll find that pimply dipshit

and then I'll text you.

All right.

Thanks, man.

I'ma tell you what hurts...

having a daddy with glaucoma.

Old man couldn't see sh*t.

So I tried to score him, you know,

an ounce of Chocolate Thai...

Uh...

This is cra... this is crazy.

We are proud to have awarded

an academic scholarship

to one of only three living

human beings to have beaten

the Carnegie Mellon Red One

Supercomputer at chess:

Edwin Hunter.

Elo rated as the third best

chess player on the planet Earth.

It looks like Edwin

will have the first move

because he's white.

I mean... the white pieces.

White always goes first.

I mean, that is...

the person with the white...

oh, look.

This pawn looks like

my Uncle Neville's

elongated nipple.

- Rest in peace, you slut.

- Music! Ahem.

Would you all like to listen

to some music?

Dude, the white judge...

the white judge knocked me

to the joint for 25 to life

for some fuckir sinsemilla, man.

We already heard

that one, too, a**hole.

Well, the world need to hear it,

and they will in my book,

"Alcatrizaz."

Sh*t.

That sounded like a wet fart.

Well, you'd know, incontinent slank.

What the hell is going on

around this place?

Is someone trying

to sabotage me?

- Are you trying to bring me down?

- Jesus, no. I've been paging you.

No drug tests! No drug tests!

Hmm.

Batteries must have died.

Sir, we've had

an unusual number

of students and faculty

complaining of...

confusion and... and dizziness.

I haven't been feeling

so sweet myself,

so I was thinking that maybe

it was a gas leak,

so I called in

an emergency...

work... thingy.

I want answers. Brainstorm this thing.

There he is!

What about our childrers

right to privacy?

- No unlawful search and seizure.

- Yeah, f*** you!

- F*** you!

- Man:
Who do you think you are?!

Oh, f***, man.

Ah, sh*t.

- Hey.

- What?

You made me drop

my ice cream.

Why the f*** would you be eating it

like that on a day like today?

Because it tastes ambrosian

when I'm buttstonked,

but don't tell the cops that

when they arrive.

I'm on probation for a misdemeanor

possession charge.

- What?

- Sh*t.

You didn't think about gettir

no fuckir Slurpee, kid?

You like Slurpees, don't you?

- Who me?

- No, the...

Man:

Oh, man.

- F***.

- What?

- What?

- Sh*t.

- F***.

- What?

- F***.

- Paranoid and Charlyne: What?

- What?

- F***.

What?!

Get the f*** out of here.

- I'm melting!

- Martin.

How many brownies did you eat?

- 14?

- Jesus H. Christ.

Martin, look at me.

You are really stoned right now, man.

You look like you're about

to summit Mt. Zion.

We'll tell your daddy.

You could get expelled, little man.

Where do they record

the security footage?

Huh? Huh?

- Come on, man.

- Give the fuckir milk.

Tell us, Martin,

and you get the milk.

In the library,

in... in the back room.

- My daddy has the keys.

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