High School Page #6

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You're not supposed

to see the keys.

I think.

Miss Unger?

Hello?

Hello. I was just drawing

a picture of my cat Bryan.

I named him after Bryan Adams.

All right, let's take a test.

Boy, he's a very sexy singer.

I used to pretend

that my glass dildo

was, in fact, Mr. Adams' erect

glass-encased member...

Because the forest wizard

had turned him to glass, of course.

So only the moistened walls

of the village witch

could return him to human form.

Was that out loud

or did I just think that?

Isn't this the administration office?

No, it isn't.

It is my classroom.

- I think.

- Are you f***ing with me?

Excuse me, is that the attendance list

I gave you this morning?

You're positive Sharky

left the cash box in Gordors office?

- Yeah. Look, the money's in there.

- Cool, cool.

- So where's Sharky now?

- No, no, come on!

Horny man, I need your magical,

geek power brain to be focused for this.

No, man. F*** that.

I got the keys out of the womers

locker room, man.

- This one's yours.

- That was simple.

I had to tame a cougar.

This is the administration office.

Yeah, you're the career criminal, man.

- This should be, like, easy for you.

- Right. You're right.

L... I'm, you know, suspicious.

And you, you're the straight-arrow,

tight-ass geek.

Oh, so maybe I should

smoke weed all day

and I wouldn't have to do

any hard work.

Yeah, well, maybe I should

get some straight As

and hang out with some flip-flop

floobie-doos who eat glue.

Yeah, there's a minimum

IQ requirement to be in the auto club.

Is there a minimum vagina

requirement to be in the IQ club?

No.

All right, we're gonna

have to clear the office.

Oh, f***!

This is intense.

Sh*t.

- There you are.

- Mom?

Oh, my God.

Dude, how blazed are you two?

You tried to hold out

on us, you f***.

Oh, sh*t.

- Just tell my mom I love her, man.

- You tell her yourself.

- No, man.

- Pull it together.

Little Dave, you know that stunt

you've been yammering about?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, now would be perfect.

Why now?

We dosed the whole school.

We need a distraction.

- That sounded weird.

- What?

What?

Oh!

May I have your attention, please?

Witness the death-defying stunt

never before attempted.

Little Dave Klein is gonna jump off

the library balcony

on his motherfuckir skateboard!

Yeah!

The balcony.

- Go for it, Dave.

- It's suicide!

- Let's check it out!

- Let's roll this sh*t.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoa! Oh!

Whoa! Yes!

That was some

"Faces of Death" sh*t, homes.

- I can feel skin flapping.

- What?

Seriously, I think

I've ripped my sack, man.

I should have tenured at Stanford.

Tameka?

- Tameka!

- I'm sorry. There was an incident.

Here's your coffee.

- I'm so sorry?

- Thank you.

Is there anything else, sir?

- The gas man is waiting...

- No, I'm finished.

Actually, there is

one small thing I'd like you

to take care of, Tameka.

Oh, yes.

Yes, there is.

- The cops are coming.

- What?

- They're on their way.

- The police?

- Yes!

- No, t-tell them

- that's everything's under control.

- That's not gonna work.

Oh, God damn it!

I'll be right there.

- Yeah!

- Live the moment! Live it!

F***.

I lost count.

Fuckir singles.

$2,403.

- That's a start.

- Wait, a start?

- You said if we got you the money...

- I said that it will buy you

till the end of the day.

This sh*t ain't even remotely close

to the street value.

How much?

- 50.

- Thousand?

No, cents, stupid.

US.

Let's call it 49,

since I like you guys, huh?

You're both fuckir nuts. Huh?

- I'll be waiting in the parking lot.

- So you're just leaving, then?

You don't see

what's going on here?

You don't see

what we're up against?

We could use a psychoism fiend

with a lot of green

and you're turning your back on us.

Go take care of yourself, Ed.

Guess it's what you're best at.

I'm not f***ing around!

The money or you're

both marked, man.

Weed legends or not.

We're live at the prestigious

Morgan High School

where a group of angry parents

are protesting the school's decision

- to drug test...

- Who are you?

- We're with Channel 5 News.

- That thing's on?

Yes, we're live right now.

What would you like to say

to Headmaster Gordon?

- Is he watching?

- If he were watching.

What do you mean "were"?

W- Was he watching?

- Is this the past?

- Cut the feed.

Is that that same school?

The gas company dude

says that it's not a gas leak.

We're checking the cafeteria

for salmonella.

I mean, what else could it be, huh?

- Asbestos?

- Those are the wrong symptoms, okay?

This is... this is more psychological.

It's kind of like

God's eye watching itself.

Jesus!

Why is everyone acting

like a bunch of baboons?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's... it's nuts, but we're having

a choice brainstorming session

just like you asked.

No one leaves this place

until we identify this problem.

Think, people!

This thing is out of control!

We have to shut it down!

What? Hey.

Just think, you did that.

How's that for an accomplishment?

Right?

Oh, come on.

Look, it's not like he's

irreparably damaged or anything.

- Leave me alone, Breaux.

- He's gonna be fine.

I am sick of your

pathological optimism.

My life is in the sh*t-house

because of you.

I didn't put a gat to your dome.

You smoked that fatty.

You puffed down. You got high.

You got you into this,

you judgmental hypocrite.

And to think I did all this bullshit

to try and help you.

I never had a single thing

to lose, dumbass.

Yeah, man, you don't need to tell me

you didn't have anything to lose.

Everybody knows that.

You know why we stopped

being homies, Henry?

Come on, man.

It's when your dad left your mom.

And that puts you

in the same place as me.

And having that thought

in your skull

scared the sh*t

out of you, didn't it?

That suddenly your life

could be anything like mine.

- That's not true, man.

- F*** you.

You don't believe that truth,

then f*** you.

Go ahead, give up,

because I'm not done yet.

But I am sick and tired

of your candy-ass whining

when fuckir one door

separates us from that footage.

- And you can't...

- Man, even if we could get in there...

I mean, even if we could

destroy the footage...

I mean,

what about Psycho Ed?

Man, where are we

gonna get $50,000?

Who is Psycho Ed?

Suck my wispy left nut, Sebastian.

You don't know sh*t.

Uh uh uh.

I know that you two

got the student body

and the faculty high

on marijuana brownies,

all because you didn't wanna risk

screwing up your finals

and losing valedictorian to me.

And I know that

five minutes from now,

Dr. Gordon will know

as much himself.

If you say a word to anybody,

there's gonna be an 18-7

up in this b*tch.

You feel me?

- Ah! Okay, okay. Ow!

- What do you want, Sebastian?

- Ow. Okay, okay. F***!

- What should have been mine.

And once you're exposed,

- I'll have it.

- Okay. Ow! Ow!

Sebastian, I'll throw

my English final.

If I fail it, you're valedictorian.

When you're expelled,

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