High School Page #7

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I'm valedictorian anyway, a**hole.

By default.

But if I fail, you win

by beating my GPA,

by earning it in the eyes

of everyone else.

Fine.

If you fail, Henry,

my lips are sealed.

Yes!

Do you people even realize

the significance

of the Boston Tea Party?

I mean, think about it...

it was tea.

A mere beverage.

It's like the beverage

gave the oppressed people...

leverage.

Beverage.

- Say it with me, come on. Beverage.

- Class:
Beverage.

Be-ver-age, you know...

Lick it real slowly, like...

like it was the nipple,

- the teat of your own mother.

- Beverage.

Beverage.

Ooh!

A sort of lurid chill goes

up and down my spine.

Don't stop!

Please, don't stop!

Beverage. Beverage.

Beverage.

Excuse me.

Is there a Mr. Henry Burke?

You haven't visited us yet,

Mr. Burke.

Can I borrow him

for five minutes, please?

Say beverage.

Nice and slow.

- Beverage.

- What the sh*t?

- Beverage.

- Beverage, that's it.

Beverage. Beverage.

Thanks.

All right, turn around.

Arms up.

Any needles?

Sharp objects?

- All right.

- What's this right here?

Oh, it's your penis.

Sorry about that.

Where have I felt this before?

Campus Stadium,

best Dead concert ever.

I toasted one just before

they opened with "US Blues."

You were there, too?

You remember when we heard

that it was gonna rain?

And everybody joined hands,

young and old,

- and we sang that rain away.

- We just sang it away.

F*** me.

Whoa.

We are all buttstonked.

Nuh-uh.

The sticky green.

The cannabis sativa.

The sinsemilla!

But how does someone

get the entire school roasted?

Oh, I... I got it, I got it.

I got it.

No, I lost it.

I lost it.

I lost it.

I had it.

You're useless.

Wait, wait. Welcome back.

- Woman:
Oh, heart.

- Holy sh*t, that scared me.

Tameka, it's Brandon!

Quarantine the brownies

and send one away

to get tested, okay?

Okay. Oh, and bring me

a box of Cheez-lts.

All right, thanks.

Hey, Brandon,

how does a brownie take a test?

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Hello, this is Brandon.

Um, all uneaten brownies

need to be brought

to the administration offices.

Oh, no.

They have been contaminated,

so, please, don't eat them.

Please?

Don't... don't.

There is no need to panic.

F***, f***, f***, f***, f***.

Okay?

Everything is rad.

Mr. Burke, first time late,

ever.

Ah, well, it appears

you've all had a pleasant lunch.

- The salmon was boss.

- And the brownies were to die for.

So moist, so delicious.

Oh, my.

Sh*t.

This is a private meeting room.

You're fuckir with me.

Arert you?

I'm...

I just... I didn't

expect it to be so sad.

All those books,

all that fire, I...

- Are you done with that?

- Oh, yeah, go for it.

- Clean yourself up, Miss Tombs.

- F*** you.

Oh, my God.

Dr. Gordon?

Brandon wanted me to tell you

that all the marijuana brownies

have been quarantined.

Um, what does she mean?

Um, there's been an incident,

but everything's

under control, I assure...

The brownies we just ate?

They were more than likely,

uh, tainted with, ahem,

marijuana.

Yes, I... I think you're right.

Do you all feel that?

It's kind of like my soul

were swimming

within my own flesh.

It's rousing.

I think I just came.

Next up... Mr. Burke.

Um, "To be or not to be"...

Shakespeare's great question

to his character Hamlet,

his great challenge

to his audience in 1600

and today,

over 400 years later.

Hamlet, huh?

What a fuckir p*ssy.

I mean, I didn't even read it.

I just Netflixed the DVD with

that "Mad Max" douche-bag in it,

but his uncle

iced his father, right?

Popped an 18-7 up in that motherf***er

and he's talking to ghosts and sh*t?

All like, "Daddy, Daddy,

what am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?"

I mean, b*tch, grow a pair

of clackers and snap out of it.

I mean, clearly this dude

needs some help.

Sad thing is

every time I think about Hamlet,

I think about myself...

too... too cautious, too deliberate,

planned perfection.

I'm reaching

for the unreachable,

something that, quite honestly,

I don't think is there.

And I get caught up in the bullshit

of trying to be perfect.

I forget about

what's right in front of me,

like the... like the other

aspects of my life.

My mom's gonna love me

whether or not I go to MIT.

And, you know,

being valedictorian

is not that big a deal, really.

I mean, it may seem

important now,

but in 10 years, you know,

that's just gonna be sh*t

that made me miss

the other moments,

the stuff I wanted to do

but I talked myself out of,

stuff my heart wants

but logic would trip over

like grabbing life by the balls

and going after the girl

I always thought was hot.

She's too hot for me.

So what's the point?

When you want

so hard for it to be

and it's just not to be,

there's nothing

you can do about it.

Uh, so anyway...

Hamlet's a punk-ass b*tch

and Shakespeare's massively overrated.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f***.

Yo, Henry.

I'll go out with you, dude.

Yeah.

Okay. Well, that's all

I wanted to say.

# There's a lot of lies #

# I'd like to get out of my head... #

Jesus.

You're not sayir that because

you're high as f*** right now, right?

High as f*** right now?

# Out of my head... #

- We all are.

- # Out of my head... #

# Out of my head. #

Hey, I thought we had a deal.

You know what?

You can go f*** yourself,

you warped piece of sh*t.

Bravo, Henry.

Salutatoriars

a pretty big deal, too.

Tameka, have Brandon pull up

the surveillance footage

from the gym this morning

and summon Travis Breaux

and Henry Burke to my office.

Oh, and put on a fresh pot of coffee.

- Ahh.

- Right away, Dr. Gordon, but...

No buts, Tameka.

Except yours

in my face, you fuckir...

It's just that Travis Breaux

is already here to see you, sir.

# I know you're livir life

in a hurry #

# So afraid to take it slow,

'cause reality is scary... #

Henry Burke,

please report

to the administration office.

Henry Burke, please report

to the administration office.

Sh*t!

Where the f***

is the administration office, man?

# Ooh, oh, how the hell

did sh*t get so real? #

# It's hard for me to deal #

# Sometimes I just sit and think,

I thought it would be... #

I've never felt so good in my life!

It feels so good!

It feels so good

to be alive

and an assistant dean!

# I swear I never felt so alive... #

Sunshine! Oh!

- Talk to me, Goose.

- Goose?

- It's me. I've got the video up.

- Bitchir.

So I'm just gonna burn a copy

and bring it up

to Dr. Gordors office, then.

No, wait... no.

No, no, no.

Make a copy, don't burn it.

Make a copy and then bring it

to Dr. Gordors office.

Don't burn it. Idiot.

Henry Burke, please report

to the administration office

immediately.

- Aw, sh*t!

- Busted.

- What do we do?

- Hide the rest of the evidence.

Where did we leave it?

Tameka:
"Tameka.

Oh, Tameka, I need my coffee.

Black, extra sugar."

Choke on it, motherf***er.

Just set it down.

My lord,

that's f***ing good coffee.

Big day for you,

Mr. Breaux? Yes?

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