High Spirits Page #2

Now where are these ghosts?

Come on! I wanna see one now!

Boys!

I'm afraid there are

no ghosts here.

A cynic, Mr. Clay.

No, a parapsychologist...

Mr. Plunkett.

Duke University.

A para-what?

A parapsychologist.

An expert in ghosts.

Give the parapsychologist

a drink, Katie.

Whiting bisque, madame?

Thank you.

And for you, father?

The whiting bisque?

So, I was seeing this guy, and

he's a devil worshipper, right?

Well, he's a hairdresser,

really...

but he devil worships

on the side.

We booked this dumb tour

'cause he likes ghosts...

corpses, dead gerbils,

that kind of thing...

and he ran off

with this Buddhist monk.

I mean, how was I supposed

to know he was gay?

So, what about you?

Are you gay, too?

No, I'm not, but I'm chaste.

Just kidding.

Trick question.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought

I'd take a vacation here...

in the Isle of Saints...

before I take my final vows

as a sort of spiritual treat.

Retreat.

Yeah. Well, I've kind of

taken a vow myself.

I've sworn off men

for a while, at least.

But you're not a priest yet?

No. Not yet.

Well, here's to keeping

our vows.

Mr. Plunkett.

Who's that?

Mary Plunkett.

My great-great-great-great-

great-great-grandcousin.

She died right here in

Castle Plunkett 200 years ago.

She couldn't take

the whiting, either?

Levity is out of place,

Mrs. Crawford.

She was murdered

on her wedding night...

by the hand of her

newly wedded husband.

When I remember

All friends linked together

I've seen around me

Fall like leaves in wintry snow

Why don't I just

give you both here?

I can get the change later.

Lovely music.

Shut up!

Some banquet-hall

Deserted

Whose lights are fled

Whose garlands dead

And all but he departed

Thus in the stilly night

Ere slumber's chain

Has bound me

Fond memory brings the light

Honey, everybody's singing.

It's beautiful.

It's beautiful.

A full moon has risen

above Houghlin Bog.

Those of you

with nervous dispositions...

would do well

to protect yourselves.

Lock your windows,

bolt your doors...

say your prayers...

for tonight,

they may be walking abroad...

the cluricanes,

the banshees, and the pookas.

Good night.

Sleep well, if you can.

If you dare!

Bugs.

Where did they all go?

Don't ask.

They might come back.

Well, if there are

any ghosts in this castle...

I hope to God they put on

a better show than this one.

It was pretty scary, huh, kids?

Didn't you see

"Nightmare on Elm Street"?

Give me a break.

Scared the sh*t out of me.

Right. Phase Two.

Katie, banshee time.

Julia, where's me bandages?

Because it's hard to get

a significant C.R. reading...

when there is no observed

deviation to be measured.

I'm afraid that this is going

to be the most pitiful scam...

There is not even

a dress hanger in the dump.

Malky.

Get me the nightie

you bought me at the duty-free.

Honey?

Thanks, Bugbear.

Oh, take this, would you?

Unexpected random fluctuations

of the standard deviation...

would need to exceed 2.33 for it

to be conceived as significant.

Here we have

a very impressive sight indeed.

It's the winning Hereford bull

owned by Mr. Lynch...

and he's won the competition

for the third year in a row.

Mind you,

the competition we saw today...

was of a very

high quality indeed...

and the judges

had a very difficult task.

Of course, these days,

the judges emphasize grooming...

Oh, my God.

Major jet lag.

Excuse me.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Oh, wait.

Calm down, Miranda.

You can stop it now,

because really, I'm not scared.

One more time, my Katie, and

give the window a little tap.

Tap it yourself.

Away, Little John.

Damn it!

Look at me, you bastard!

OK, you guys.

If you aren't in bed in three

seconds, you are grounded.

But we haven't seen a ghost yet.

And I'm not whistlin' Dixie.

Help me!

Help!

Please, somebody help me!

Where's he goin'?

Help me!

All right. I'm coming.

- Brother Tony, help me!

- I will!

- You have to make it stop!

- All right!

I don't like it at all!

Come on, Brother Tony! Jump!

I'm coming!

Oh, Tony!

Brother Tony!

Do something!

Don't just lay there,

do something!

Like what?

Exorcise it!

You're a priest, aren't you?

How about a little something

from "Revelations"?

- "Revelations"?

- "Revelations."

"And I saw an angel..."

I'm gonna be sick!

Don't leave me!

We're going to die!

They're going to kill us!

A change in the humidity

and you will turn blue.

Come to me, Bugbear.

Make me a woman.

My love.

Oh, that's the most pathetic

display that I've ever seen.

Malcolm!

What is that?

A 45-degree semisilver mirror?

Now, Eamon.

The sword!

Jack, what are you doing?

I smell something burning, Jack.

Sharon!

How many times

do I have to tell you "no"?

I'm exhausted.

We are not making love tonight.

I just saw a ghost!

That is the most pathetic excuse

for sex I have ever heard!

If I say I'm too tired,

then I'm too tired.

Thank you very much, Jack.

Now I need to take

two more Valium.

My God, he's got my underwear!

Oh, very nice!

A pervert ghost!

Malcolm, the children!

Don't worry, Marge.

I'll handle this.

Get away from the children!

Yeah, Dad!

Supernatural, huh?

Sounds pretty solid to me.

Behind me, children!

How dare you threaten

my family?

I think it's real, Dad.

I'll show you real!

Mother of God!

You could've shaggin' killed me.

Maybe if we made love

more often...

you wouldn't need

your stupid pills.

Do not take that Valium.

Sharon,

do not take that Valium.

Would you listen to me

for once in your life?

Sharon, please!

It's not working!

We have to stop!

We have to try something else!

What are you doing...

to that poor ghost?

Wait a minute!

Plunkett! You phony! You fake!

Julia! Oh, how's my poor...

Little demon children!

Calm yourselves!

As the brochure says,

it's the unpredictability...

of spirits that causes problems.

So I would like to apologize

for any minor inconvenience.

This is the most pitiful

supernatural sham...

that I've ever encountered!

It will get better,

I assure you.

That's it!

We are leaving

tomorrow morning, Jack.

Oh, no, my dear woman.

Am I intruding?

Just give the poor ghosts

a little time.

We're history, dude.

Couldn't we look on tonight

as a kind of dress rehearsal?

You're finished, Plunkett!

I am going to personally expose

this pathetic fraud!

There are laws, sir,

against people like you.

Marge, children, we're leaving.

Maybe Jim Brogan'll

give us another chance?

Jim Brogan? What's Jim Brogan

got to do with this?

He has the mortgage

on the place...

and we've only got

two weeks left...

and then he's gonna

throw us out.

Jack, I'm very tired.

I'd like to go to bed now.

- Now!

- Just wait a minute!

What's going on here,

Mr. Plunkett?

So we told a lie.

Everyone lies once in a while.

So Katie isn't a ghost...

and Julia still

has her head on...

and Eamon isn't a mummy...

and the castle isn't haunted,

but what of that?

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