High Spirits Page #3

What you have

to ask yourselves is...

why did we do it?

We did it because

we love this place.

Every little

worm-eaten brick...

every little rotting

nook and cranny.

Why should you Americans care

if I lose my home?

Castle Plunkett.

And the villagers lose

their only means of employment?

Thank you, Katie.

Jack, let's go to bed.

- I care, Mr. Plunkett.

- What?

I care.

Jim Brogan is my father-in-law,

so I'm involved in this.

You're Jim Brogan's daughter?

Yes, my name's Brogan.

I might as well tell you...

that there won't be any

extensions on your mortgage.

I mean, not after

tonight's performance.

I don't believe this.

Daddy asked me

to check it out.

I mean, this ghost business

was too ridiculous.

So you came to sabotage us?

You did perfectly all right

all by yourself.

I didn't have to lift a finger.

Jack, are you coming?

Look, I don't know what to say.

I didn't know.

I didn't.

For what it's worth,

I think this place is great.

You're the ghost in the bedroom.

You were the banshee

on the luggage rack.

Sharon, hey, wait a minute!

Daddy wants this place.

He's always wanted it.

He was born here.

He hates the Plunketts.

Why?

Why not?

Daddy hates most people.

So you lied to me.

You used our second honeymoon

for Daddy.

Jack, it's business.

It's business?

Obviously, a word

you're not familiar with.

Where are you going?

To get drunk.

I don't want you

to lose your castle.

Not to my father-in-law,

he's a son of a b*tch.

Oh, my dear fellow,

you're too kind.

He's an unlovely combination...

of a son of a b*tch

and a rat's knackers.

What's a rat's knackers?

It's an unholy trinity

of a muckraker, a gobshite...

and a hoor's melt.

The guy's a dick.

In a word.

Would you like a drink?

I thought I had one.

I mean a real drink.

Upsy-daisy.

My father's brew.

Oh, perfect.

Look at the bad side...

gotta look at the good side.

There's constantly...

There's two sides

to every story.

The milk of human kindness,

Sharon.

Three little words,

every once in a while.

Doesn't cost anything.

"I love you."

Oh, sh*t. Wrong room.

Our room's not this nice.

- No, Martin!

- It's not what you think.

Oh, no, Martin. No!

I know you.

You're the girl in the painting!

- So, you wee harlot.

- No, Martin!

You're the one in the painting.

You'll tup with no one!

Come here, lovey!

Who's this guy?

You're a great act.

Real bruises, too, huh?

Wow, that's great.

Hey, pal, you should've

done this earlier.

I think you could've

saved the place.

Where is he?

Martin, there's no one!

Great outfits.

Martin, there's no one!

Looks real!

Martin, there's no one!

Looks a little rough, but real.

Why don't I believe ya?

This is so disgusting.

Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,

not with a lie on her lips.

Oh, God, what have I done?

You killed her.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

I told you, you killed her.

Mary.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

What did you do?

She's a mess!

There's a trap door down here.

Oh, no, Martin!

So, you wee harlot.

No, Martin. No!

Duck!

You won't tup with me, huh?

Please, no!

The party's over, all right?

Take your hands off the girl...

or you're gonna be...

OK, pal!

Where is he?

All right! Where is he?

Martin, there's no one.

Wait a minute, wait.

What are you doing?

She's a beautiful woman.

That's a beautiful woman!

Martin, there's no one!

Then, why don't I believe ya?

I'm hit.

Oh, God.

You dirty rotten...

Mary?

No, he missed me.

Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,

not with a lie on her lips.

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

Oh, God, what have I done?

Who are you guys?

I'm Mary Plunkett.

Wait a minute.

This is an act.

This is an act. Right?

How can I thank you?

For what?

For your selflessness.

I didn't do... I don't...

How can I thank you?

You're so beautiful.

How can I thank you?

Thank you.

Don't go.

Why do you have to go?

I don't feel good.

Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.

I gotta know. Did you...

Did you ever love me?

Let's see if those pills

really work.

You've had a good life.

Oh, God.

You.

You are...

Good morning, darling.

Good morning, Lavinia.

Well, our son is an idiot.

We've known that for years.

Haven't we, darling?

Well, this time,

he has surpassed himself.

The ghosts are furious.

Why?

Well, they've heard that

that Jim Brogan fellow...

is going to move the castle

to Malibu.

How nice.

All that sunshine,

and all those movies stars.

No respectable ghost

would live in California.

Besides, they're Irish.

What would they do there?

Oh, if only I hadn't died.

None of this

would ever have happened.

Well, you did die,

didn't you, darling?

So, what are

we gonna do about it?

Out of my hands.

They won't listen to me.

They're going

to give those Americans...

exactly what they came here for.

Serve 'em right.

I'm dead.

So, this is what it feels like.

Like a hangover.

Peter?

Peter, wake up.

The Yanks are leaving.

Really?

As long as I'm dead,

I might as well tell you.

You've got all the warmth

of a penguin on an iceberg.

You're a dwarf.

You'd better clean

those choppers real good...

so you can chew up

the next jerk who comes along.

I'm not dead?

No, but if I were you...

I wouldn't make

any long-range plans.

Great, Jack. Now I've got

a massive migraine coming on.

My B-complex level

is rock bottom.

Sharon, look...

Let me see that.

Sharon, I think...

Get packed, Jack.

Sharon, you took a Valium.

Wrong pills.

What did you have

for your breakfast, little boy?

Some tan fish.

That was a nice change.

I said this place

is a nightmare, Daddy!

Of course, I sound strange.

I'm depressed.

Everybody hates me.

And, last night,

Jack slept on the floor...

and when he woke up,

he said he was dead...

and that I was a dwarf

and that I had buck teeth...

and you know

how self-conscious I am...

about those things,

this is all your fault!

I hate you!

Miss Crawford?

Are you all right?

Do you think that I'm colder

than a penguin on an iceberg?

Oh. Well, no.

No, you see, actually,

penguins are a lot warmer...

than people

give them credit for.

How dare you!

I didn't... don't tell my wife.

I mean, not that I did anything.

Do you hear me, Sharon?

Sharon, get on this phone!

Will you talk to me, Sharon?

You're real.

I mean, you're not.

You're a real ghost.

I have to thank you

for what you did last night.

It was nothing.

What did I do?

You gave me my first moment

of peace in near 200 years.

I'll be in your debt

for eternity, sir.

It was nothing, and you

don't have to call me sir.

What can I call ya?

Thank you, Sir Jack.

It's on me.

- Lovely dress.

- My wedding dress.

Today is my wedding day.

Tonight, he'll murder me.

You get murdered every night?

Every night until last night.

What about tonight?

That depends on you.

Why me?

Your love broke the chain,

crossed the boundaries...

Oh, my God, hold on!

You can't depend on me!

Nobody can depend on me.

My wife would never understand...

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