High Spirits Page #4

Ah, twasn't love, then.

Mary, we hardly know each other.

Look, I gotta go!

- Don't go, Jack!

- I gotta, I just... look...

You want to forget me.

I don't know what I want!

I just don't...

What the heck?

He's flying!

Look at him!

Me roof!

Jesus Christ!

So all the snakes

weren't driven out of Ireland.

- What?

- The snakes!

"To die; to sleep no more;

and by a sleep to say we end..."

Peter! They changed their minds!

They're staying!

There is a God.

Hey, would your name

conceivably be Jack?

Welcome back, dear guests!

Let me be the first

to apologize...

for our temperamental

Irish weather.

Shut up, Plunkett.

Call us a cab.

Certainly, Mr. Clay.

Immediately.

Deepest regrets,

the phones are dead.

The storm

must've knocked them out.

So, we're all together

for one more night.

It seems that we're becoming

one big, happy family.

Sorry, Mr. P.

Plunkett!

I'd rather walk into town

in this suit of armor...

and spend a night in a stable...

than to spend one more second

in this hell hole!

Marge! Children!

We're leaving!

Malcolm!

Oh, my God!

Malcolm!

Oh, God!

Malcolm, can you hear me?

Oh, please,

let him be all right.

Oh, dear God.

Plunkett, this is your doing!

Darling?

Yes, I think we could stay

one more night.

Sweet Mother Mary...

Saint Brigid...

please don't let me marry him.

Please release me.

I don't love Martin,

and I never will.

Sweet Mother Mary,

Saint Brigid...

please don't let me marry him.

Please release me.

I don't love Martin.

Sweet Mother Mary,

Saint Brigid...

please don't let me marry him.

Please release me.

Sweet Mother Mary...

Sweet Jesus,

what happened to you?

I ran into a little wind.

Oh, dear.

That would be the spirits

in the castle.

Sorry.

What are you doing?

I'm praying to Saint Brigid...

to release me

from me marriage vows.

Look, this is

too psychotic for me.

- I mean, look...

- Saint Brigid...

I mean, I'm as up for

a good nervous breakdown...

as anybody, really,

but this is too much.

I mean, I get here yesterday...

my marriage collapses,

then I save a ghost...

from being murdered

by another ghost.

Now, if you think about it,

that makes no sense at all.

Then I fly through the air,

hit a tree...

and Renaldo the talking horse

here...

leads me to... -

to the most beautiful...

ghost that I've ever seen

in my...

Last night, when you took

Martin's sword in my stead...

you broke the cursed chain

that has bound me for 200 years.

What cursed chain?

Me marriage to Martin Brogan

was arranged by me father.

I did not love him.

He had warts,

and his feet stank.

On my wedding night,

I refused to be tupped by him.

- Tupped?

- Tupped.

I get it.

Go on.

He thought I loved another...

though I did not.

And in a jealous fury,

he did me to death!

Now, every day for me

is the same.

If I get murdered

one more time, I'll scream.

Who'd want to be a ghost?

We are what we are.

So... this Marty stank?

Aye, and he squished.

He squished?

Squished.

Oh, he squished!

God...

Could you love a man

who belched but didn't squish?

I could love you,

Sir Jack.

If you loved me,

the miracle could happen.

I can't.

I cannot do this.

I am married.

Then you don't love me.

- I didn't say that.

- Then I am doomed forever.

Even now Martin dons his

garments, sharpens his knife.

Good-bye, Sir Jack.

Look, you're a ghost.

I'm an American.

It would never work out.

Sweet Mother Mary.

Saint Colum...

Mary, look, I don't want you

to get murdered again.

It's just that my wife... if she

found out, she'd murder me!

Jack, is that you?

God, I don't know what happened

to me, but I feel zonked.

I've got pains all over my body.

Could you rub my back?

Well, go on, Jack.

I won't bite.

Jack, you never did it

like that before.

Saint Patrick.

Saint Jude.

Saint Columcille.

Saint Hocks McGorrick.

Honey! What...

Honey, what is it?

Where have you been?

There was a man in my bathtub!

A big giant man, gigantic...

and he's scrubbing my back,

and it felt good!

I should've known it wasn't you!

He had warts all over his hands!

Yeah, with warts.

Yeah, that's Martin.

- Who's Martin?

- He's a ghost.

- He's a what?

- He's a ghost.

He murders his wife every night.

Other than that...

I think he's pretty harmless,

sweetheart.

- Get out!

- Honey, I...

Sweetheart, look...

Honey, you're...

Honey, really...

You don't understand.

Honey, we've gotta talk.

Are you OK, honey?

Do I look OK?

Not really.

What are you doing?

I have to check this place out.

Something smells

very wrong here.

Yes, it does.

It smells like... burnt rubber.

No, that's me.

To right, right.

To left, left.

Do you believe this?

Only four channels!

Cables must be unplugged.

There's no cable.

This is it.

I tell ya.

This place sucks the big one.

Fingers together...

Wendy!

Mom!

Woody!

Look at the TV, guys.

You horrible little children!

Eternity's a big commitment.

You know, it's a long time.

You gotta take things one step

at a time. That's the key.

You do love her, don't you?

Yeah, I guess I do.

I don't know.

What's the problem then?

She's a ghost!

She's dead. I'm alive.

How do you know all this?

I'm married to one.

Won't you join us...

for a drink?

Yeah, I could use a drink.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, dear Lord.

I do beseech thee

to help me in this...

my hour of need.

Oh, cleanse me of these

impure thoughts I have...

for this woman... Miranda.

Come on!

Oh, Lord!

I get the message!

Brother Tony.

Brother Tony,

are you all right?

Brother Tony,

what are you doing in the pool?

The Lord works

in mysterious ways.

True love can move mountains.

Yeah, but it can't

bring the dead back to life.

Yes, it can,

on All Hallows' Eve.

Halloween.

That's tomorrow night.

When the spirit moves,

and the flesh is willing...

and the juices flow,

and the skelping is mighty.

What's skelping?

It's a ghost term.

But it's dangerous.

You mustn't go too far.

What do you mean?

- Oh, it's you!

- Whom were you expecting?

Plunkett, those fake ghosts

were one thing...

This is entirely different,

isn't it?

Is there something wrong

with your room?

Something wrong with my room?

What are you talking

about, ghosts?

- The brochure...

- Damn the brochure!

We're talking

real, live spirits here!

- How can you explain this?

- The weather.

Oh, come off it, will you?

Don't you understand?

He wants us here.

He knows it's the only way

he can keep this dump.

I don't know about

the rest of you...

but, Plunkett,

you haven't fooled me at all.

I've been fooled.

- Me, too.

- I've been very fooled.

Explain this to me.

"A ghost may not tup

with a human."

So this means a ghost cannot

make love with a human being.

Oh, my God!

Who's Mary?

Who's this Mary?

She's a woman.

She's a ghost.

Don't start

this ghost stuff again.

- She's someone I care about.

- What?

It's funny how you can care.

I think I'm falling...

Jack, don't stand there

and tell me...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes