High Spirits Page #5

that you're having an affair

with a goddamn ghost.

Well, I am!

That's it.

Your lawyer, my lawyer...

and I hope the ghost

has a lawyer...

because I want to meet him.

Here she is!

This is Mary.

- No, Martin!

- Mary the ghost.

So you wee harlot!

No, Martin!

That's Martin the ghost!

That's the man

that was in my bathtub!

See, he's gonna come over here

and throw her on the bed.

- He's gigantic.

- That's Martin the ghost.

They're having problems

in their relationship.

No, Jack, we're having problems

in our relationship.

- Come here!

- Honey...

You gotta see this.

Come on.

He's gonna run after her

and throw her against the wall.

There's no one!

Oh, yes, there is.

My husband!

Now he throws her over there.

This is the bad part here.

- Martin, there's no one!

- Why don't I believe ya?

- Please, don't!

- Honey.

- You can't just kick a ghost.

- Did you see that?

Now look what you did.

Wait, Mary!

I love you.

I know that.

You do?

When did you know that?

The minute I saw ya.

The minute I knew I loved you...

but your love must be true.

It is.

It must withstand all obstacles.

It will.

Oh, Mary, my darlin'.

What have I done to ya?

What have I done?

That was a dirty trick,

wasn't it?

Hey?

Kicking me

right in the bahoggies.

But you were gonna stab your

wife with a sword, you pig.

Shoot, that's no big thing.

I do it every night.

And I suppose watching

other men's wives...

in the bathtub

is no big deal, either.

I'm sure it's a grand thing

if the wife happens to be you.

You dirty peeping tom.

Me name is not Thomas.

It's Martin.

Oh, Mary.

I'm sorry, darlin'.

What have I done to ya?

Oh, God.

Here, give us

a wee scub before...

No, not again.

You're a wily vixen,

aren't ya?

Oh, Lord, what have I done?

Oh, God, what have I done?

Oh, God, what a woman.

You're not so bad yourself.

What's skelping?

Skelping.

This is skelping.

That's nasty.

It wasn't nice?

It was nice.

It was very, very nice.

Hold on, Mary.

Wait a minute.

You can't just skelp me

and leave me.

Can't help it.

Skelping takes

a lot out of you.

Look, Mary, I...

I'll be in the chamber

midnight tomorrow.

So what's wrong

with the Americans?

What's wrong

with these Americans?

One night

they're desperate to leave...

the next night

you can't get rid of them.

One day they hate the whiting...

the next day, they have

to have all five courses.

When you break your back...

to give them the ghosts

you thought they wanted...

they scream at you, and when

you throw the towel in...

they scream even louder.

They see spooks everywhere...

spooks in the bathroom,

spooks under the bed.

Don't they know

when the joke is over?

They cower well enough.

What is going on here?

Eamon, why are chunks

of masonry floating about?

Mr. Plunkett...

I think there's some people

want to have a word with you.

Who?

Grand Uncle Peter.

Grand Aunt Nan.

Granny Joyce and her sister.

Her half-sister.

Not to mention...

your daddy.

But he's dead!

I know.

He looks terrible angry, too.

I have a perfect right to be...

considering what you have done

to our ancestral home.

Father!

Let us in!

Do you really think

you could get away from me?

Leave me alone.

You're dead.

Not so dead I can't see

what a numbskull you are.

Oh, fine!

Call me names!

That's so easy.

Well, for God's sake,

look at you.

What did you ever

give me this place for?

You knew I was an incompetent.

All I wanted to be

was happily useless.

You made me miserably useless

giving me this place...

baths to run,

bills to be paid...

and then dying on me

just like that!

Most people

give some warning, you know...

premature senility,

angina, gout...

bed-ridden for years...

but not you, oh, no.

Healthy as an old goat, you pop

off one day in the orchard...

and what then?

Not a goddamn word,

not a whisper.

Did it never occur to you

that I might need some advice?

That I might miss you?

Peter, I never thought...

It's true... you old goat.

I missed you, Daddy.

Give your daddy a hug.

Sorry, Peter.

They will be back tonight.

It is All Hallows' Eve.

If you see anything,

just ignore it completely.

Just pretend

that it didn't happen.

Have you got that?

I don't hear anything, do you?

Don't you just love whiting?

Madam.

For you I missed my wedding

for the first time in years...

that's how much I want you.

And sure, I know I'm a ghost...

and a murderer,

but forget about all that.

Listen.

Tonight's All Hallows' Eve...

the one night in the year

that I turn to flesh...

so what do you say

to a wee bit of skelping?

Come on.

At least tell me your name.

Lady, I've got

the best bahoggies...

from here to Ballinderry.

Come on. What do you say?

Let's give it a twirl.

Drop dead.

Oh, God. What a woman.

"He who tups with the spirit

finds only the grave...

"but the virtuous heart

true love will save."

"He who tups with the spirt

finds only the grave...

"but the virtuous heart

true love will save."

Some whiskey over here, please.

Aye, the whiskey.

Relax, everybody.

Take it easy.

They won't come into a bar,

would they?

They don't drink whiskey.

- Who?

- Spirits.

- How the hell would I know?

- The Irish ones do.

- He says the Irish ones do.

- Don't.

Do they or don't they?

You don't shaggin' know, do you?

It may be no more

than a local disturbance

in the extraplaner ether.

Ether, me bollocks.

A supernatural belch,

you know what I'm talking about?

Hey! Drinks all around!

- What's that?

- It's none of it! No!

Where's your ectoplasm now?

Did you...

It took the hurricane.

What in the name of God is that?

Dad, it's a submarine!

Well, what's that

shaggin' thing on top of it?

It's a giant squid!

Get off me!

Yea, though I walk

through the valley of death...

I shall fear no evil

for thou art with me.

Mom!

Thy rod and thy staff

they will comfort me!

Save the child!

Heave!

Mom!

Heave!

Tug and heave!

- Heave!

- Let's get him!

Mom!

Look!

She's movin' on.

She's movin' on

Thank goodness.

It's a bloody good thing

we ignored it, huh?

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, God, you're real.

Having fun?

It's gotten totally

out of control here.

I'm afraid I've been

with my family.

Is the roof leaking?

You have no idea

what it was like here.

Did we just tup?

No, but it's not too far off.

Right.

Hey, how about some champagne?

A little champagne to get our

mind off the old you-know-what.

All right?

I usually mess this up.

Drink to me, only,

with thine eyes...

and I will pledge with mine;

or leave a kiss

within the cup...

and I'll not ask for wine.

That was so beautiful.

Who wrote it?

Ben Johnson.

Ben Johnson.

You know, whenever I hear

Ben's material...

it just makes me think

about you-know-what.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

- Quote me something.

- Quote?

Anything to keep

our minds off...

You-know-what.

Right, a quote.

There ain't nothin' in the world

like a big-eyed girl...

to make me act so funny,

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