Hilton!

---

Many, so many

have grown weary

Heaven can not be

right here and right now

My response:

I disagree at once

EAST HELSINKI:

NUORISOSTI RENTAL APARTMENTS

We were at the f***ing shop and he

tells me I pushed him in the ditch.

When we got to my place,

he started strangling me -

I got mad and threw him out.

He's smaller than you,

you can't let him bully you.

I was strangled once

and I was this close to dying.

If someone f***ing strangles me,

it's f***ing... seriously...

Who am I imitating?

This f***ing sucks.

I have no money.

You're the one doing life.

F***ing 3420 days left.

Hilton feels like a penitentiary.

Yeah, like living in an open prison.

- Every door armed with locks.

Only losers, Thais and n*ggers

live in these buildings.

This is a complete looney bin.

Can you answer a question?

I have lived in Hilton

for eight years.

This place eats your f***ing soul.

F*** that!

For real, f*** that!

If this guy would have been there

when I got bullied -

I promise that this f***ing guy

would have been there for me.

F***ing sh*t!

F***!

It's been a while

since we went out. - Yeah

No, seriously. We could go out to a

movie, or to a restaurant or something.

Not just be at your place

all the time.

It would be nice to do something

different for change.

It's cosy here,

it's my own little doghouse.

It feels like we never do anything

different, that everything's the same.

A little variation.

When you get money in December,

you can take me out to eat.

I get to choose the place,

and you'll pay.

You'll reimburse the booze.

Do we have a deal?

Yeah...

- Good.

I have to start studying for the

law school entrance exams again.

I haven't decided

if I'll apply to Helsinki or Turku.

If you're leaving for Turku,

I won't come after you.

Are you serious?

- I mean what the f***...

I don't know.

We'll have to see about it.

You know,

your opinion matters too.

I didn't go out at all today.

My alarm woke me up at ten,

but the weather was all f***ed up.

I said to myself: "F*** no,

I'm not going out in the storm".

During autumns

I'm always totally exhausted.

Somehow this darkness

just fucks me up.

Everything I see is gray

and I don't want to be part of it.

The relationship with my parents

got so bad that I had to move out.

After that

I've basically been drifting.

From one place to another,

from one group of people to another.

One cut meant 5 to 20 seconds

of breathing room -

inside my head.

Sometimes I rubbed lemon water

to the wounds,.

just to unwind for a moment.

Who here has money?

- F***ing no one has money.

Janne, that's enough! - I was just

thinking of putting these in the fridge.

This is not the f***ing Hilton!

This is my apartment,

not a hotel.

I've told you not to leave things

lying on the floor.

Garbage goes in the bin.

- OK, OK.

When do we get that clear?

- Hilton habits, I guess.

That doesn't help, you know.

- Doesn't look too healthy either.

The last time I had a job was...

Well, about 6- 7 years ago.

When that last job ended

I wanted to continue working.

But after a while I started enjoying

not having to go to work.

My daughter

was born seven years ago.

Soon after,

we separated with her mom.

I didn't see my daughter Pinja

for a while.

I couldn't get a hold of her.

I miss her all the time.

Make's home is a safe haven for me

and a couple of other friends.

If you need something to eat, he

always has something in the fridge, -

If we get hungry.

The f***ing cancer

has spread again.

They're giving me chemotherapy

and shots to stall it down.

I think they will end up

operating as well.

My primary concern is

my mother and my family.

The hassle they have to go through

with the funeral and everything.

Death is not the problem.

First time in my life

I understand love ballads.

Clichs that almost make you vomit.

Sometimes it makes me laugh -

to find myself feeling

those same feelings.

I now know what people talk about

when they talk about love.

Being ready to take

a bullet for a loved one.

I don't think there's anything

I wouldn't do for the one I love.

It's the strongest feeling

I've ever felt.

It's so wonderful,

so beautiful.

Hello.

- Hello.

I'm here to clean.

Did you vacuum under the bed?

- Yeah.

You're doing good in school, right?

- Yeah, good.

I ended up in a children's home, -

because my mum was drinking.

I remember how nice it was

to be back home for weekends.

I was in the children's home for a few

years before moving to a family home.

It was a sh*t hole.

From the family home

I moved on my own.

I was drinking and messing around

with my friends.

My social allowance ended

when I turned 21.

I was given a two week notice

and told I was moving here, -

to the Nuorisosti

Youth Apartments.

I was like, hell no,

I can't move here.

A little compensation for

Toni's trouble. - yeah, thanks.

I hate social security papers,

I never know what to fill in.

This one time

me and my friends got wasted.

We decided to take a quick loan

and go out for some drinks.

It ended up costing me

my credit sheet.

It vexes me when people tell me:

You're dropping out of the society.

Blood on the ground.

I apologize to everyone.

If I die now,

I apologize to each and all.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

People take advantage of

each other.

Sure, I've been exploited.

But never financially,

I've never given my money.

You can see all five fingers here.

And she's a girl, that's clear,

you can see the genitalia here.

Just like I wished for!

If I would meet him on the street,

I would probably run like hell.

Or if I would feel

threatened by him, -

I guess would stop him

by any means necessary.

He has no right to come near me.

As long as he hasn't

learnt to control himself.

What kind of an example

would that set to the child?

A grown-up flipping out all of a sudden

and jumping on another person.

I would rather teach my child

to talk things over or walk away.

He wouldn't let me see the doctor

and just said that the wounds will heal.

This means I have

no proof of the abuse.

I'd like to get him

to a private location.

I'd have a chair waiting for him

in the middle of an empty room.

Someone would

sit him down and gag him.

Just so I could tell him

what I think of him.

He couldn't stand my views

on life, himself or on anything else.

Instead of listening,

he would just yell and flip out, -

whenever I raised

something unpleasant -

we would have needed to discuss.

I'd sit him down

and make him listen, for once -

and not f***ing yell back

every god damn second.

That would be beautiful.

I think about Pinja every day.

Sometimes even dream

about being with her, -

playing outside,

or that she's here with me.

And then I wake up

in the morning and realize that, -

hell, it was just a dream.

It always feels really depressing,

the dreams are so real.

That has to be the hand.

In one picture

she has her finger up her nose.

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