Hit and Run

CHARLES:
You're not

concentrating. I can tell.

You're thinking

about e-mails or text

messages or handbags.

ANNIE:
You don't know that.

You don't know what

I'm thinking about.

(WHISPERING) Lautner.

Okay, I might not

know the specifics

but I know it's some

kind of useless racket

that's keeping you

from concentrating.

I could be

thinking about

the cure for cancer.

In fact,

I may have

just cracked it.

And now you're trying

to get me to erase it

from my hard drive.

You couldn't

cure a UTI

if you owned

a cranberry farm.

(GASPS)

Hey! I have never had

an infected urinary tract.

Oh, really?

No, I have not.

And you've never

had HPV either?

No!

All right.

No human papillomavirus?

Watch your mouth!

Hey!

Watch your mouth.

I smack too.

I was vaccinated.

I was vaccinated.

'Cause, unlike you,

I was born after

the polio vaccine.

What are you talking about?

I am five years

older than you.

How do I know that?

I see no

documentation of that.

For all I know you're 45.

Listen to me!

I am 35 years old. Okay?

You're 45! You're gray!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Buddy, don't grab my hair.

It's thin.

I don't like when

you pull my hair.

Then let go of my wrist.

Okay.

On three.

Truce? Okay.

Three, two, one.

One, two, three.

Okay. Don't grab my

hair again, okay?

Okay. Well, then

don't hold me down.

It makes me self-conscious.

That's my only way

to defend myself.

I'm being serious though.

Will you please concentrate?

Yes.

Okay.

That's it.

Take three deep breaths.

(INHALING)

This is the only moment

you need to be worried about.

There's no yesterday.

There's no tomorrow.

There's just right now.

You're not

late for anything.

And you're not

gonna miss anything.

You're exactly where

you're supposed to be.

And you're exactly who

you're supposed to be.

You're absolutely perfect.

And whatever happens today

is exactly what's

supposed to happen.

And if you want

I'll spend

every moment with you

for the rest of your life.

Okay, I want.

You're gonna have

a wonderful day today.

You don't have to be

nervous about anything.

Okay, I'm not.

You promise?

Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

You're so

terrible on the eyes.

I don't know why

I share a bed with you!

You're disgusting!

RANDY:
That's a lot!

That's a lot of space.

Forget it. I've got a friend.

Hey, you!

Is Charlie awake yet?

'Cause I've got to

pick him up. We've got

a meeting in town.

I thought I'd

swing by and grab him.

Yeah, he's inside.

Right.

You doing all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, good!

Are you okay, Randy?

No. No. Why?

Why? What's wrong?

You're just a little sweaty.

But it's not a big deal.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

That happens.

I hate it.

You don't need to apologize.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye, Randy.

You too!

Yes. I'll do that. I'll...

Someone's calling.

Hold on, hold on.

Just a second.

God damn it!

Son of a b*tch.

Damn it!

Damn it!

Oh, sh*t! F***!

Hey. Hey. No!

F***! No! No!

Oh! Oh! No! Kids!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, God!

(SHOTS FIRING)

What the f***!

Mom!

Oh, no! Kids!

Mom!

RANDY:
No!

(SCREAMING)

When I tell you

to stay in park

you f***ing stay in park!

You stay in park

or I will break you!

Hear me?

CHARLES:
Hey!

What are you doing?

What the f*** are

you doing, Randy?

Nothing!

What do you mean nothing?

I look out my window

and you're

ghost riding your van

in the backyard, man!

You're blasting

holes in everything!

Shut the f*** up, Charlie!

Shut the f*** up!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Wait! Let me get

my badge! Don't worry!

No! Don't go anywhere!

I got my badge!

This car is malfunctioning!

CHARLES:
Randy!

You blew her window out!

You've got to be

more careful than that!

Would you shut the f*** up?

I'm trying to explain to this

lady what happened!

Hey! Why don't you

explain to me, man?

It's my yard

you're driving through!

You're assaulting

a minivan with a firearm?

Jesus, Randy!

I had a f***ing accident!

Okay? I had

a f***ing accident!

All right? I'm embarrassed!

Okay? Are you happy?

I spilt my coffee

all over me!

Listen, I didn't know

you spilt your coffee, okay?

Yeah, it spilt on

my shirt and on my pants!

I'm sorry.

Listen, it's all right.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I think so.

So you spilt your coffee?

Yeah. I spilled it on

my shirt and on my pants.

And then you fell

out of your van?

Or were you

firing first and

then you fell out?

I don't want to

talk about it out here.

Okay.

Okay.

You want to come inside?

Get me out

of this yard, man!

You were really

firing that gun, man.

Okay. Next subject.

Hi, Annie. Take a seat.

I'm just finishing this up.

Thanks.

Oh, take your time.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

What's that?

Uh, I was just taking

a couple of deep breaths.

Someone recommended

I try it when I'm nervous.

You know what else works?

Xanax. Oh. It's so good.

All benzos, really.

But that one works

extremely well.

Very fast-acting.

Huh? I never take Xanax.

Well, you should

really try it.

If you mix it with

wine or beer it sort of

supercharges it.

I should try that.

Why are you nervous?

I know,

you know, it's the

end of the semester

and I also know

there's budgetary issues.

And that you have to

let a few professors go.

And so when I got

the note in my box,

I think I just

assumed the worst.

Would you be afraid

to get fired if your job

was to clean the floor

at one of those

coin-operated

jack-off booths?

You know,

where you're the one

holding the mop.

Um, fired from

a jack-off booth?

Where the truckers

go and masturbate.

Yeah. I know what

you're talking about.

Well? Would you?

Um...

No. I would not.

And yet, you're here

at Milton Valley,

the jack-off booth

of academia.

I'm not sure

what your point is.

You're too smart and

passionate to work here.

So why do you?

You know, I created

my own major at Stanford.

I have a doctorate

in Non-Violent

Conflict Resolution,

which no university

offers as a major.

They just don't.

So I teach intro

to soc classes.

And I'm... I'm also

in a relationship here.

I'm going to stop you.

UC is starting a conflict

resolution program.

I spoke to the head of

the Sociology Department.

And she's extremely

interested in hiring you

to run that program.

No way.

Now, she's meeting

the other applicant

on Wednesday

and she'll need to

make a decision that day.

Their semester

starts in a week.

(WHISPERS) You're meeting

her on Wednesday.

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much!

I'm so flattered

that you would

even consider me!

I just have to check

with my boyfriend Charlie

because he has...

He can't exactly

leave, uh, Milton.

Annie.

Please.

I went to state school.

I went to football games

and blacked out

and got date raped.

I had abortions.

I worried too much about

what my boyfriends thought.

I got what I deserved.

But that's not you.

You deserve

so much more than this.

RANDY:
I hope your

neighbor doesn't report

Why? You're a marshal.

You're allowed to fire

your weapon, aren't you?

Yeah, but I've had

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