Hit and Run Page #2

a couple incidences.

And this would be bad.

Although,

I don't know what more

they could do to me.

This seems like the

bottom of the barrel

as far as being a marshal.

Why did you get stuck

with witness protection?

Because I accidentally

discharged my weapon.

Once at a gas station

and another time at

a baseball game.

At a baseball game?

Yes.

No! Nobody.

Are you kidding me? No!

It wasn't even my fault!

I'm not kidding you.

You shoot your weapon

off at a baseball game

It's not crazy

that I would assume

maybe someone got shot.

Listen,

I asked for a revolver.

A revolver

has a hammer

that you pull back.

And a safety. But no.

What do they give me?

Right.

Jesus Christ, man.

Be careful with that.

Yeah. Look at that.

Okay.

Now, you heard stuff

going on. I mean...

(GUN CLICKS)

(BOTH SHOUTING)

I don't know.

That's not even safe.

Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy.

Please, please,

please, please! Okay?

I'll just...

From now on, don't touch

my weapon anymore. Okay?

Listen, I wasn't...

I know we're

friends and everything.

And it's kind of

a gray area now

that we are friends.

But do not

touch my weapon

again. It's unsafe.

Okay. I'm sorry.

I trained for two years

to be able to do this.

Okay.

So please,

do me a solid.

I'm not going to touch it.

I won't bring it up again.

I promise. I'm not

going to touch it.

All right, thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

And it's not

your fault. I know.

Oh, no.

Did it not go good?

No, it went

really well.

Then why are you upset?

You just look so

stupid sitting there.

So impossibly cute.

And I don't even know

why you like me so much.

Oh, mama.

I think you're stupid.

(CHAIR CREAKING)

I should have oiled that.

(CHUCKLES)

So she didn't fire you?

Debby found me

a job where I could

head my own department.

In my field.

And it would be

the first one like it

in the country.

And it would be perfect.

Then why are you upset?

Because it's in L.A.

And I would have to

leave and move to L.A.

It's in L.A.?

That's the only place

this job exists? In L.A.?

No other place?

No, Charlie.

There's no other place.

It only exists in L.A.

And Debby told me

that if I didn't

take the interview

she would fire me.

And I wouldn't even

have my job here anymore.

Will you say

something, please?

What do you want me to say?

There's nothing to say.

Well, what are

you thinking?

What am I thinking?

I think I'm pissed

that the one thing

that makes me happy,

the one thing that

makes this sh*t-hole town

bearable is leaving.

I didn't say

I was leaving.

You're leaving!

Even if you

wanted to stay,

I wouldn't let you.

I wouldn't forgive myself

and you wouldn't either.

That's not true.

If I stayed

I wouldn't resent you.

Hey.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go

talk to Debby.

About what?

I'm gonna

beg her to let me

have my job back.

Okay, wait.

Slow down a second.

Are you sure

you want to do this?

If I wanted to go to L.A.,

I'd have to be outside

packing my car up to

get there by Wednesday.

Yeah. So you don't see me

packing up my car, do you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey.

This doesn't feel right.

I'll be back

in an hour or two.

You have been

dating this clown

for one year.

It's only going to

take you six months

to get over him.

Now, I want you

to take one of these

when it gets unbearable.

Some Xanies in here.

And Lorazepam.

Oh! Dilaudid.

My gift to you.

Debby, I don't need it.

I don't need the pills.

Take it!

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Look at Captain

Longdick out there.

Does this guy like

to f***, or what?

That's Charlie!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to take

your fat ass to L.A.

You can't leave.

Yeah.

Look, I can't live

here without you

and I'm not

letting you stay.

So I suggest you get in.

You don't think

it'll be too dangerous?

No. I've been gone

for four years

and L.A. is a big city.

We'll be fine.

(SHRIEKS WITH DELIGHT)

I thought you said

this car didn't run.

Sweetie,

this car more than runs.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

ANNIE:
Whoa, whoa, buddy!

Where are you going?

CHARLES:
To L.A.

I have to pack my stuff.

No. I grabbed

everything you'd want.

Where?

It's in the trunk.

Honey, everything

I need for L.A. would

not fit in the trunk.

Sweetie,

this car also came as

a hardtop convertible.

The whole roof

slid into the trunk.

The trunk was designed

to hold the entire roof.

Believe me.

Your stuff fit

in the trunk.

(GASPS) Oh, wait!

What?

My teaching certificate.

It's at Gil's.

You're kidding me.

No. And I need it.

Oh, boy.

ANNIE:
Be back in a sec.

(RATTLING)

Oh, my God.

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

Hey!

Anne?

What a fun surprise.

Um, listen. I think

I accidentally left...

You caught me

in the middle of

doing all my laundry.

Sorry about that. Um...

When I split up

the photo albums,

I think I left the one

with my teaching degree

here with you.

Oh. Okay, well.

That's an honest mistake.

You want to come in

and talk about it?

No, Gil.

I just want the album.

Can you grab it?

Uno momento.

Uno momento.

Nice buns!

(SHUSHES)

Well, it looks like

we've got quite

a few options here.

We can spread them out...

No, that's fine.

It'll be in the back.

All right. Why, pray tell,

are you in such

a hurry to get this?

Um, because

I'm taking a job

in L.A. and I need it.

You're taking a job

in Los Angeles? When?

Uh, now, actually.

We're leaving right now.

We?

You're moving to

Los Angeles with a man

you barely know?

Bingo. Okay...

Hold on a second!

I'm not letting you

move 500 miles away

with a man named

Charles Bronson,

who you barely know

who happens to

be in the witness

protection program.

Do you know who goes

into witness protection?

Criminals who have

ratted out other criminals

to save their own ass.

Okay! First of all, I never

should have told you

anything about him.

I never should have.

Secondly, you don't

have the authority

to not let me

do anything, Gil.

And lastly, he was

given that name when

he entered protection

which he entered because

he witnessed a crime. Okay?

He's a good Samaritan, Gil.

Not a criminal. Give me!

You can't just

disappear with that scumbag.

All right? It's unacceptable.

He's probably

going to murder you

Give me the album, Gil!

Give me the album!

Annie. Annie!

Hey! What the f***

are you doing, Gil?

Nothing. I was just

giving her the albums

that she asked for.

You're sunbathing, too?

What, you got your top off?

I was doing laundry.

Give her the

f***ing books, all right?

And when he snaps,

you better hope to hell

that I'm there to save you.

Because he's

going to do it.

Okay, Gil. Take care.

Bye, Gil!

(ENGINE STARTING)

CHARLES:
You got it?

ANNIE:
Yeah.

G-L-8-7-9.

G-L-8-7-9!

CHARLES:
What?

(CHUCKLES)

ANNIE:
What's with this car?

What do you mean

what's with this car?

I mean...

It's kind of obnoxious.

Oh! You think this

car is obnoxious?

'Cause I think it's tits!

And I think

most people think

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