Hogfather Page #2

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sat down and thought out

how to inhume the Hogfather?

Why, yes, sir. And the Soul Cake Duck.

And Death, sir.

They're imaginary creatures.

Makes it a challenge.

I suppose I just see things

differently from other people.

We may be able to see the complaint

of Sir George's estate against you

with regard to his

dog rather differently,

and approve your graduation to

full membership of the Guild.

Take the dark, sir?

Wear black, sir?

If you agree to

undertake... this contract.

With due elegance, of course.

With elegance guaranteed, sir.

Er, Mr

Teh-ah-tim-eh?

You have... actually

applied yourself to a study

of ways of killing Death?

Only as a hobby, sir.

But then some people might say

that he is technically immortal.

Everyone has their weak points, sir.

It's gone six. He's not coming.

- Let's go.

- Sit down, will you?

Assassins are always fashionably late,

because of style, right?

What's this? You never said

anything about him being an assassin.

It's Teatime. He's paying top

rate. We can wait for top rate.

Teatime?

I've heard he's... mental.

And he's got a funny eye.

What I don't understand is... how

long has this place had waiters?

Good evening.

Do have another drink

while we wait for the other

members of our little... troop.

Susan, there's a monster

under my bed again.

Oh! Ow!

Ow!

That's a wizard.

No, I'm not. I'm incognito.

Yeah, right.

You're just someone in a pointy hat.

Mr Sideney here is indeed

a wizard. A student, anyway.

This is my brother Banjo.

This is Chickenwire.

I didn't want to come!

Mr Sideney's down on

his luck at the moment.

Hence his willingness to

join our little venture.

So what's the job?

We don't do jobs. We perform services.

And the service will

earn each of you $10,000.

No one said anything about

there being magic in all of this.

Well, I...

Do the voice on it!

- Do the voice on it!

- No!

- Not the voice!

- Hit it on the head with a poker.

- Not the poker!

- This is the friendly warning.

Understand? Because it's Hogswatch.

What are you, a witch or something?

I'm just... something.

Now, you won't be around

here again, will you?

Or we'll put your

head under the blanket.

It's got fluffy bunnies on it.

Fluffy bunnies... No!

Go away and stop bothering me.

That wasn't as much fun

as the one last month,

You know, the one when you

kicked him in the trousers.

Just go to sleep now.

- Locks.

- We have a locksmith.

- Who?

- Mr Brown.

And you can help me carry this.

It's rather heavy.

What is this?

This is my brother Banjo.

Does it do tricks?

No.

He can lift two men up in

each hand, by their necks.

Yeah.

He looks like a volcano.

Really?

Wanna be fashionably late, do you?

I do so hope we're gonna

be friends, Mr Medium Dave.

It really hurts to think I

might not be among... friends.

And I suppose we might

as well make a start.

Hello! My name's Violet,

and I have been your tooth

fairy for this evening.

Here, there ain't nothing

valuable, you know.

Nothing valuable, only

a few bags of t-t-t-t...

Teeth? I know.

My name's Teh-ah-tim-eh.

What's your name, sir?

Ernie. Yes, Ernie.

Come along, gentlemen.

This is my friend Ernie.

He's gonna be our driver for tonight.

Put her in the back, Banjo.

Mister, I ain't rightly allowed

to carry passengers, ya know.

Charlie'd give me a right telling off.

Oh, don't you worry about

that. We're all friends here.

Our mam said no hitting girls.

Only bad boys do that, our mam said.

Shut it!

Ssh! Ernie here doesn't want

to listen to our troubles.

Wh-Wh-Where

to, mister?

You know the way, Ernie.

Behind the Unseen University.

Where the students of

magic are still hard at work

on the night before Hogswatch.

It's just a shame we don't have

any radiation shielding, Busar.

You want radiation

shielding, Mr Stibbons?

Advice from Hex, Bursar. As the

university won't supply us students

with a thaumic particle accelerator,

we've started to build our own.

Safety first and all that!

Dean, have you seen the Head

of Inadvisably Applied Magic?

I need some urgent advice!

Ask the Chair of Indefinite Studies.

- Er... Hmm...

- Lecturer in Recent Runes?

Well, you see, it all depends...

I don't know...

In my day, when I was an undergraduate,

I wouldn't have been

studying on Hogswatch Night.

It's just not natural. I'd

have been sick twice by now.

Bursar?

- Bursar?

- Hello, Mustrum.

- Dean? Oh, there you are.

- Archchancellor?

Members of the faculty, I've decided,

as a Hogswatch present to myself,

to open up the late Archchancellor

Weatherwax's old bathroom.

So I don't have to sluice

down with you fellas.

It's unhygienic. You can catch stuff.

'Ere, I can't take you

lot through the wall!

Listen, Ernie.

Ern. You will take us through,

or, and I say this with

very considerable regret,

I'll have to kill you.

- If I take you through the wall...

- What's the worst that can happen?

You'll lose your job.

Whereas if you don't, you'll die.

Really, Mustrum, I think

this is most unwise.

It said in the plans

there was a bathroom.

You chaps are all acting as if it

was some kind of torture chamber.

A bathroom designed by

Bloody Stupid Johnson!

The late Bergholt Stuttley Johnson

was the worst inventor in

the world, Archchancellor!

Yes!

Well, not everything he made

had a horribly fateful flaw.

I mean, think of that thing they use in the

kitchen for peeling potatoes, for example.

You mean that thing with the brass

plate saying "improved manicure device"?

Well, it's only water.

Even old Johnson can't

do much harm with water.

Go to it, lad.

- So?

- Er...

Well, he just chucks

it at the wall there

- and it goes "twing".

- Really?

May I try?

Ain't that nice, our Davey?

Yeah.

And then you just drive forward.

Right. Quick, mind, cos it only

stays open for a little while.

Thank you very much, Ernie,

very much indeed.

Wasn't he dull?

If he's supposed to be

getting rid of the Hogfather,

why is he going to the

Tooth Fairy's castle?

The Tooth Fairy? Hah!

Another childish belief.

- Exactly.

- Very elegant.

- It is.

- You have to start somewhere.

Once you have their

little minds in your grip,

it's goodbye, Hogfather.

It's him!

- Could I give you a hand?

- Oh, yeah!

Oh! Here, your fingers

aren't half cold, mister.

Sorry.

What did he want to

go and do that for, eh?

I did what he said!

He could've killed me.

Yes.

I always keep a nip on

me these cold nights.

- Keeps me spirits up.

- Indeed.

How am I gonna explain

all this, then, eh?

Sorry?

That was very rude of me.

I wasn't paying attention.

What am I gonna tell people?

Letting some blokes ride off

in me cart, neat as you like...

That's gonna be the sack for sure.

There, at least, I have

some good news, Ernest.

And then again, I also

have some bad news.

So... I'm dead, then.

Correct.

Now, tell me about these

blokes who stole your cart...

...and killed you.

Honestly! Death gets worse and worse.

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