Hogfather Page #3

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He seems to like humans.

So illogical!

But the beauty of the assassin's plan

is that he can't interfere.

But Death can go everywhere.

No.

Not... quite... everywhere.

Great job,

but you look a right tit

wearing these helmets.

Hello.

My name's

Teh-ah-tim-eh.

What's yours?

Albert,

something is not right.

Too right.

This is the Mythological Persons room.

How can one of them die?

Soul Cake Duck.

The Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Albert!

We may not have much time.

Oh, is anybody there?

I don't know what you're

expecting me to say, but...

Ssh.

Questions first.

Babble... later.

Now, Miss Bottler,

I'd like you to think

of me... as a friend.

- How we doing, Mr Modo?

- Tanks are filled

and I've stoked the boilers,

Mr Archchancellor, sir.

You did read the sign

on that door, Ridcully?

You mean the sign which said,

"Do not under any

circumstances open this door"?

Surely it was sealed up for a reason.

Oh, he only wrote that

to keep people out.

That's right. That's what people do.

- Don't say I didn't warn you.

- Hygiene! That's the ticket.

I still haven't worked out

where all the pipes lead.

Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.

Man the pumps, Mr Modo,

or dwarf 'em, of course, in your case.

She's a tooth fairy, but

she's not "the" Tooth Fairy.

Ssh.

Teeth...

What do you expect in

the Tooth Fairy's castle?

It gives me the creeps

just thinking about it.

You don't have to think. You

just have to do what I said.

- All of 'em?

- Every last one.

- Put 'em in a pile.

- That's millions.

Mr Brown?

I want you to unlock

every door you can find.

What's this really all about?

Does he believe in things

like the Soul Cake Duck?

The Sandman?

The Tooth Fairy?

Yeah.

Even the Hogfather.

Cos after we're finished

here, not even he will.

Onwards, Binky, to the

Hogfather's Castle of Bones!

The first Hogswatch

off in a thousand years,

even if I'm going to have the

mother of all hangovers in the mor...

And how can the Hogfather bring

presents to everyone at the same time?

Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.

Look, you've always believed

in the Hogfather, yes?

- Yes...

- Well, if you don't believe in him,

- he won't come down the chimney.

- It's a very small chimney.

And a very small stocking,

if you don't go to sleep.

Ah, yes. And, erm...

"Ho, ho, ho."

There's a tap in there

marked Old Faithful...

...which I think perhaps we

might leave alone for now.

This is... a most peculiar Hogswatch.

Any mustard? They're

a treat with mustard.

Apple sauce.

I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial.

Well, at least it's keeping you

in the right frame of mind, master.

In character, that sort of thing.

But going down the chimney...

Where's the sense in that?

It's gotta be chimbleys, innit,

eh? A bit like the beard, really.

Do you think these little buggers

would be writing to someone

who can walk through walls if they knew?

Oh, and that reminds me.

The "ho, ho, ho" could

do with some more work,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Ho, ho, ho?

No, no, no!

No, you've got to put a

bit more life in it, sir.

Er, no offence intended.

You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir,

you know, like...

Ho, ho, ho!

Like that. See? You've got to

sound like you're pissing brandy

and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,

if you'll pardon my Klatchian.

Really? How do you know all this?

Well, I used to be

young myself once, sir,

surprising as it may seem.

- These teeth give me the creeps.

- Just keep going!

- Why are we piling them all up?

- You don't wanna know.

Quicker all the teeth are in a pile,

quick we're out of here with our money.

No one ever laid a punch

on Banjo since our mam died.

Tough but fair, your mam.

I recall that time she strangled

Glossy Ron with his own leg.

Yeah.

Maybe the both of us could

creep up on him and...

Yeah!

I keep thinking about

that glass eye watching me.

I keep thinking it can

see right in my head!

Don't worry. He doesn't

know what you're thinking.

How do you know?

You're still alive.

These damned eyeballs

are hard, aren't they?

They're walnuts, not eyeballs.

I don't want you back

in my life. Understand?

Don't say you haven't been warned!

Warned?

Ah! Did you check the list?

Couldn't really make head nor

tail of it, to tell you the truth.

I don't normally care if

they've been naughty or nice.

I can feel belief in

the Hogfather fading.

- What's that?

- It looks very bad.

No, no. It's just where

something's been nibbling it.

I mean the situation. I

fear we may be too late.

Oh, well. Never say die, master.

That's our motto.

I can't say it's ever really been mine.

You'd better watch out.

Because if the Hogfather

still comes to town

as result of a magical

misjudgement on your part,

then, you will no longer

be my friend, Mr Sideney.

I... understand, sir.

Do you have a lot of friends,

Mr Sideney?

Erm... quite a few, actually.

I don't have many.

Don't seem to have the knack.

On the other hand, I don't

seem to have any enemies at all.

Well...

...it's a very

enemy-friendly spell, sir.

That is... very... simple...

...and will make the

pile of teeth... very...

Mr Teatime!

... dangerous.

Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.

It's supposed to be jolly,

with mistletoe and holly...

and other things... ending in "olly".

It's a time when people are

meant to feel good about things,

and eat until they explode,

a time when they want to

see all their... relatives.

I mean, it's a time when

humans are really human,

and they don't want a...

a skeleton at the feast,

especially one, I might add,

who's wearing a false beard

and has got a damn cushion

shoved up his robe! I mean, why?

Albert said it would help me

get into the spirit of the thing.

This is a real job,

and I was looking forward

to a real Hogswatch

where normal things

happen with normal people

in a normal house,

and suddenly, the old

circus comes to town.

Well, I don't know what's going on,

but you can just leave right now.

Albert.

Buggery.

Master?

I'm stuck.

The pixie.

Oh, come along in, do. If the real

Hogfather doesn't turn up soon,

there's not going to

be enough room for him.

- Oh...

- He won't be joining us.

So what have you turned up for?

And if it's for business reasons,

I will add then that outfit

is in extremely poor taste.

The Hogfather is... unavailable.

- At Hogswatch?

- Yes.

Why?

He is...

Let me see.

There isn't an entirely

appropriate human word,

so, let's settle for...

...gone.

Yes. He is gone.

How can the Hogfather be gone?

He's.. Isn't he what you are? Anth...

Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.

He has become the spirit of Hogswatch.

And while he's gone, you've

taken over. That's sick.

I see the girl writes in

green crayon on pink paper

with a mouse in the corner.

The mouse is wearing a dress.

I ought to point out that

she decided to do that

so that the Hogfather

would think she was sweet,

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