Hogfather Page #3
He seems to like humans.
So illogical!
But the beauty of the assassin's plan
is that he can't interfere.
But Death can go everywhere.
No.
Not... quite... everywhere.
Great job,
but you look a right tit
wearing these helmets.
Hello.
My name's
Teh-ah-tim-eh.
What's yours?
Albert,
something is not right.
Too right.
This is the Mythological Persons room.
How can one of them die?
Soul Cake Duck.
The Tooth Fairy.
The Hogfather!
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Albert!
We may not have much time.
Oh, is anybody there?
I don't know what you're
expecting me to say, but...
Ssh.
Questions first.
Babble... later.
Now, Miss Bottler,
I'd like you to think
of me... as a friend.
- How we doing, Mr Modo?
- Tanks are filled
and I've stoked the boilers,
Mr Archchancellor, sir.
You did read the sign
on that door, Ridcully?
You mean the sign which said,
"Do not under any
circumstances open this door"?
Surely it was sealed up for a reason.
Oh, he only wrote that
to keep people out.
That's right. That's what people do.
- Don't say I didn't warn you.
- Hygiene! That's the ticket.
where all the pipes lead.
Oh, we'll find out, don't you fear.
Man the pumps, Mr Modo,
or dwarf 'em, of course, in your case.
She's a tooth fairy, but
she's not "the" Tooth Fairy.
Ssh.
Teeth...
What do you expect in
the Tooth Fairy's castle?
It gives me the creeps
You don't have to think. You
just have to do what I said.
- All of 'em?
- Every last one.
- Put 'em in a pile.
- That's millions.
Mr Brown?
I want you to unlock
every door you can find.
What's this really all about?
Does he believe in things
like the Soul Cake Duck?
The Sandman?
The Tooth Fairy?
Yeah.
Even the Hogfather.
Cos after we're finished
here, not even he will.
Onwards, Binky, to the
Hogfather's Castle of Bones!
The first Hogswatch
off in a thousand years,
even if I'm going to have the
mother of all hangovers in the mor...
And how can the Hogfather bring
presents to everyone at the same time?
Unless there are lots of Hogfathers.
Look, you've always believed
in the Hogfather, yes?
- Yes...
- Well, if you don't believe in him,
- he won't come down the chimney.
- It's a very small chimney.
And a very small stocking,
if you don't go to sleep.
Ah, yes. And, erm...
"Ho, ho, ho."
There's a tap in there
marked Old Faithful...
This is... a most peculiar Hogswatch.
Any mustard? They're
a treat with mustard.
Apple sauce.
I'm finding the beard a bit of a trial.
Well, at least it's keeping you
in the right frame of mind, master.
In character, that sort of thing.
But going down the chimney...
Where's the sense in that?
It's gotta be chimbleys, innit,
eh? A bit like the beard, really.
Do you think these little buggers
would be writing to someone
who can walk through walls if they knew?
Oh, and that reminds me.
The "ho, ho, ho" could
do with some more work,
if you don't mind me saying so.
Ho, ho, ho?
No, no, no!
No, you've got to put a
bit more life in it, sir.
Er, no offence intended.
You've got to do a big, fat laugh, sir,
you know, like...
Ho, ho, ho!
Like that. See? You've got to
sound like you're pissing brandy
and you're crapping plum pudding, sir,
if you'll pardon my Klatchian.
Really? How do you know all this?
Well, I used to be
young myself once, sir,
surprising as it may seem.
- These teeth give me the creeps.
- Just keep going!
- Why are we piling them all up?
- You don't wanna know.
Quicker all the teeth are in a pile,
quick we're out of here with our money.
No one ever laid a punch
Tough but fair, your mam.
I recall that time she strangled
Glossy Ron with his own leg.
Yeah.
Maybe the both of us could
creep up on him and...
Yeah!
I keep thinking about
I keep thinking it can
see right in my head!
Don't worry. He doesn't
know what you're thinking.
How do you know?
You're still alive.
These damned eyeballs
are hard, aren't they?
They're walnuts, not eyeballs.
I don't want you back
in my life. Understand?
Don't say you haven't been warned!
Warned?
Ah! Did you check the list?
Couldn't really make head nor
tail of it, to tell you the truth.
I don't normally care if
they've been naughty or nice.
I can feel belief in
the Hogfather fading.
- What's that?
- It looks very bad.
No, no. It's just where
something's been nibbling it.
I mean the situation. I
fear we may be too late.
Oh, well. Never say die, master.
That's our motto.
I can't say it's ever really been mine.
Because if the Hogfather
still comes to town
as result of a magical
misjudgement on your part,
then, you will no longer
be my friend, Mr Sideney.
I... understand, sir.
Do you have a lot of friends,
Mr Sideney?
Erm... quite a few, actually.
I don't have many.
Don't seem to have the knack.
On the other hand, I don't
seem to have any enemies at all.
Well...
...it's a very
enemy-friendly spell, sir.
That is... very... simple...
...and will make the
pile of teeth... very...
Mr Teatime!
... dangerous.
Grandfather, this is Hogswatch.
It's supposed to be jolly,
with mistletoe and holly...
and other things... ending in "olly".
It's a time when people are
meant to feel good about things,
and eat until they explode,
a time when they want to
see all their... relatives.
I mean, it's a time when
humans are really human,
and they don't want a...
a skeleton at the feast,
especially one, I might add,
and has got a damn cushion
shoved up his robe! I mean, why?
Albert said it would help me
get into the spirit of the thing.
This is a real job,
and I was looking forward
to a real Hogswatch
where normal things
happen with normal people
in a normal house,
and suddenly, the old
circus comes to town.
Well, I don't know what's going on,
but you can just leave right now.
Albert.
Buggery.
Master?
I'm stuck.
The pixie.
Oh, come along in, do. If the real
Hogfather doesn't turn up soon,
there's not going to
be enough room for him.
- Oh...
- He won't be joining us.
So what have you turned up for?
And if it's for business reasons,
I will add then that outfit
is in extremely poor taste.
The Hogfather is... unavailable.
- At Hogswatch?
- Yes.
Why?
He is...
Let me see.
There isn't an entirely
appropriate human word,
so, let's settle for...
...gone.
Yes. He is gone.
How can the Hogfather be gone?
He's.. Isn't he what you are? Anth...
Anthropomorphic personification? Yes.
He has become the spirit of Hogswatch.
And while he's gone, you've
taken over. That's sick.
I see the girl writes in
green crayon on pink paper
with a mouse in the corner.
she decided to do that
so that the Hogfather
would think she was sweet,
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"Hogfather" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hogfather_10039>.
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