Hogfather Page #4

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including the deliberate bad spelling.

But look, why are you doing...

She says she is five years old.

Seven. In cynicism, she's about

35. But why are you doing the...

But she believes in the Hogfather.

She'd believe in anything if

there was a dolly in it for her.

But you're not going to

leave without telling me...

And what are you doing here, Albert?

I thought you'd die if you

ever came back to the world.

Ah, but we are not in the world.

We are in the special congruent

reality created for the Hogfather.

Normal rules have to be suspended.

How else could anyone get around

the entire world in one night?

That's right. I'm one of the

Hogfather's little helpers, me.

It's official.

I've got the little pointy green

hat with the bell and everything.

Have you been good, have you?

Now we must be going.

Happy Hogswatch.

And, er... Oh, yes.

Ho, ho, ho.

Heh, heh. It's a nice

drop of sherry, this.

You've actually been

drinking the actual drink

little children leave

for the actual Hogfather?

Well, yeah. Why not? He won't

be drinking any more, will he?

Eh? Not where he's gone...

How many have you had, may I ask?

Hmm? Well, I dunno. I

haven't been counting.

One million, eight hundred

thousand, seven hundred and six.

And sixty-eight thousand, three

hundred and nineteen pork pies.

And one turnip.

Oh, yeah. Well... it

looked pork-pie shaped.

But then, everything does

after a while, doesn't it?

Why are you doing this?

I am sorry, I cannot tell you.

Forget you saw me.

It's not your business.

Not my business? How can you say...

You wanted to be normal.

Good night, granddaughter.

Sleep tight.

I know I shall. Pardon.

There are a lot of doors.

I hope this is the one.

This isn't the room we're looking for.

Just teeth in here.

Keep going, Mr Brown.

Boo!

Susan will try to find out what

this is all about, you know.

Oh, dear.

Especially after you told her not to.

You think so?

Oh, yes.

Dear me! I still have a lot

to learn about humans, don't I?

Oh, I dunno.

Obviously it would be quite wrong

to involve a human in all this.

That is why, you will recall,

I clearly forbade her

to take an interest.

Yes, yes, you did.

- Besides, it's against the rules.

- Yeah, well, of course, that's a shame, really,

because she likes to

break 'em, doesn't she?

You might think I've

already thought of that,

but I couldn't possibly comment.

Oh.

And we have much to do. We have

the Hogfather's promises to keep.

Has he done something

to the real Hogfather?

Binky.

Can she be eliminated?

Oh, yes. She's mostly human.

Oh, good.

Then, can we go back to just

concentrating on running the universe,

making sure that gravity

works and that atoms spin?

Yes, when there's not an atom

of belief left in the world.

And the Hogfather is just the beginning.

What are you looking for, Mustrum?

My father always said,

when you see a lot of

people bathing together,

the Verruca Gnome is running

around with his little sack.

Modo!

Any sign of the Verruca

Gnome down there, old boy?

Welcome home, Susan. You took your time!

I don't do family reunions.

Sandman.

Soul Cake Duck.

Tooth Fairy.

The Hogfather!

Grandfather, what have you done?

This cushion is still uncomfortable.

You're doing well, master.

Soot in the fireplaces,

footprints, swigged sherries...

...sleigh tracks all over the

roofs. No, no. It's got to work.

You think so?

Oh, yeah. Oh, here's

a little tip, though.

"Ho, ho, ho," will do.

Don't say, "Cower, brief mortals!"

Oh. Really?

So many chimneys...

It would be so much quicker

if I lost the cushion.

Yeah, well I mean, if we're gonna

give Susan enough time to succeed,

the little perishers need

to believe in you, master.

Er, I mean the Hogfather.

So you've got to look the part, master.

I tell you what'd be

really good to boost belief

is a public appearance.

Oh, I don't normally do them.

Yeah, but the Hogfather's more

of a public figure, master.

I tell you what, one good public

appearance would do more good

than any amount of letting

the kids see you by accident.

Really?

And I know just the place.

Thank you very much indeed.

Everything tickety-boo, McPherson?

- Yes, Mr Crumley.

- Jolly good.

Let's go... sleigh them.

I don't know if you noticed, Albert,

but that was a pune,

- or play on words.

- Ho, ho, ho, sir.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

You're frightening the little kiddies!

- Wow, they got tusks! Cool!

- That one's doing a wee.

It's the Campaign for Equal Heights

that have done this, isn't it?

They're out to ruin me! That's it!

I don't mind the smell of the

oranges and the damp trousers,

but I ain't putting up with this!

And he's not even doing it right!

What's going on here, then? Eh?

Come on!

Who are you?

You can call me Uncle Heavy.

- You're not a pixie.

- No, I'm a fairy cobbler, mister!

Now, just ssh! Keep quiet!

And what do you want for

Hogswatch, small human?

The autobiographies write down

everything that happens to you

as it happens.

I know. I used to live here, remember?

But I can't read this.

The letters are all... odd.

Oh, so I suppose now you'll be

wanting my words of occult wisdom.

Ethereal runes. The Hogfather

ain't human, after all.

Er, I suppose a bit of warm

liver's out of the question?

~ On the second day of Hogswatch

~ I sent my true love back

~ A nasty little letter

~ And a partridge in a pear tree

What's your game?

Small-time thief, are you?

You ain't supposed to be able to see me.

I'm a wizard! We can see things

that are really there, you know.

Oh, what's in this bag?

You'll really wish you hadn't, mister.

Oh, will I? What are you

doing here, young man?

Well, you know the Tooth Fairy?

Well, it's sort of

like the same business.

- You take things away?

- Not take away as such...

More sort of bring.

- Ah. Right, new teeth.

- Like new verrucas.

Oh, you're him.

I saw your piggy do a wee.

Oh?

Well... good.

It had a great big...

- What do you want for Hogswatch?

- She wants...

I want an army and a big castle

with an active drawbridge and a sword.

I think they're supposed

to say thank you.

Are you sure? People don't normally.

No, I meant to the Hogfather,

which is you! Right?

- Sorry.

- Yes, of course.

You're supposed to say thank you.

Thank you.

And be good. This is

part of the arrangement.

- Yes.

- Then, we have a contract.

- Ah, verrucas, eh?

- Wish I knew why.

- Do you mean you don't know?

- No!

Suddenly I wake up and

I'm the Verruca Gnome!

Why, how strange!

Anyway... amazing bathroom, isn't it?

It's even got a special pot

for your toenail clippings.

- Special pot for your toenail clippings?

- Well, you can't be too careful.

Get hold of something like

somebody's nail clippings,

hair, teeth, you've got

them under your control.

I mean, that's real old magic.

Children of the world,

prepare to think as you are told.

Mr Sideney?

Your big... no-misjudgements

magic moment.

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