Hogfather Page #5

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You can't give her that! It's not safe!

It's a sword. They're

not meant to be safe.

- But she's a child!

- It's educational.

What if she cuts herself?

That will be an important lesson.

Really?

Oh, well. It's not for

me to argue, I suppose.

And she doesn't want all that

other stuff. She's a girl!

And anyway, I can't afford

big posh stuff like that.

I thought I gave it away.

- You do?

- You do?

You don't! That's our merchandise!

You don't just give it away.

Hogswatch isn't about

giving everything away.

I mean, yes, you do give things away,

but you have to buy them first.

You mean... this is all... free?

It... would seem... to be.

So, Mr Stibbons,

this thing's a great big

artificial brain, then, eh?

You could think of it like that.

Of course, Hex doesn't

actually think, not as such.

- It just appears to be thinking.

- Amazing!

You mean it gives the impression

of thinking, but really it's just a show?

- Er, yes.

- Just like everyone else, then, eh?

Oh, I knew I came here for something.

Now, this little chappie

is the Verruca Gnome...

...who's just popped into existence

to be with us on Hogswatch Night,

being the most magical

night of the year.

Last year's occult rubbish piling up...

I thought you chaps might

like to check up on it.

The Verruca Gnome?

Well, it makes about as much

sense as anything else, doesn't it?

After all, there's a

Tooth Fairy, isn't there?

Makes one wonder why

there's a god of wine

and not a god of hangovers.

Anyone hear a noise just then?

Sorry, Archchancellor?

A sort of...

Like a lot of, er... tinkling bells?

I didn't hear anything like that, sir.

Oh. Well, where was I? Erm...

Oh yes, well, I mean, nobody's ever

seen a Verruca Gnome until tonight.

I've never heard of me

until tonight, and I am me!

Well, erm, we'll see what Hex

can find out, Archchancellor.

Good man.

Amazing!

Now we should be able to get

to the bottom of all this.

None of this is right. Everyone

knows he's just a jolly old fat man

who hands out presents to kids.

He wasn't always so jolly.

- You know how it is.

- Do I?

Well, it's like, you know,

industrial retraining.

Even gods have to move with the times.

You see, your Hogfather

was probably just your

basic winter demiurge,

you know, blood on the snow,

making the sun come up...

So there has to be blood

to make the sun come up?

Hmm! Well, it starts off

with animal sacrifice,

You know, hunt some big, hairy

animal to death, that kind of stuff,

very folkloric, very... mythic.

Didn't stop at animals, neither.

They had sacred kings,

the strongest and the best,

died at the dark time of year to

give life to the unconquered sun.

And in a way, the

Hogfather was all of 'em.

- And then?

- Then some bright spark thought,

"Aye, looks like that

damn sun comes up anyway,

so how come we're giving those

Druids all this free grub?"

The world moves on, and

he's gotta find a new job.

So he started as an animal

sacrifice to make the sun come up?

Exactimundo.

And now he gives out presents.

Top of the evenin', squire.

I am Corporal Nobbs of the Watch,

and this is Constable Visit, sir.

I want you to arrest him!

- Arrest who, sir?

- The Hogfather!

What for, sir?

He's sitting up there as bold

as brass in his... grotto...

...giving away presents!

Not quite up to speed here, sir.

I thought the Hogfather was supposed

to give away stuff, isn't he?

But this one's... an impostor!

You know, I always thought that.

I thought, the Hogfather spends

two weeks sitting in a wooden grotto

in some shop in Ankh-Morpork,

very busy time, too. Nice life, eh?

He's not the Hogfather we usually have!

You mean a different impostor?

Not the real impostor at all?

Yes!

No!

Arrest the Hogfather style of thing?

- Yes!

- On Hogswatch Night?

- Yes.

- For giving away presents?

In front of all these kiddies?

Yes!

- In your shop?

- Y...

You think... that

might look a bit... bad?

Difficult to see how

it could look good, sir.

Could you not do it... surreptitiously?

Oh, well! Yes.

Surreptition. Yes. We

could give that a try.

You won't find me ungrateful.

In Omnia, we call Hogswatch

Night the Fast of St Ossory.

But it is not an

occasion for superstition

and crass commercialism.

I used to hang up my stocking

every Hogswatch, regular.

All that ever happened was

my dad was sick in it once.

I'm going in.

There seems to be a thaumic

surge from somewhere.

It's as if something is triggering

random bursts of stray belief.

It's the expression on

their little faces I like.

Yeah, a sort of cross

between fear and and awe.

They don't know whether to

laugh, cry or wet their pants.

Yes. Now, that is what I call belief.

Next.

And what's your name, little...

...person?

Nobby Nobbs, Hogfather.

And have you been a good

bo? A good dwa? A good gno?

A good individual?

Yes.

So why isn't it working?

Ah, the chalk... just got a bit scuffed,

you know, when we were

piling up the... the things.

- You're sure that's what it is?

- Well, er...

What about the spell?

Oh, that'll go on

forever. Simple ones do.

It's just a state change,

powered by the... the...

It just keeps going.

That's very good, Mr Sideney.

Because if the sympathetic

magic doesn't work,

you will find me very...

...unsympathetic.

What happened? What happened?

Ah, it's disgusting,

this whole business!

It is the worship of idols!

It's a genuine Burleigh & Stronginthearm

double-action

triple-cantilever crossbow

with a polished-walnut stock

and... silver engraved facings.

Aren't we going to arrest

the impostor, Corporal?

You're foreign, Washpot.

I can't expect you to know

the real meaning of Hogswatch.

On the whole, I think that

went very well, don't you?

Yes, master.

And I think I've got the

laugh working really well now.

- Ho, ho, ho!

- Yes, sir. Very jolly.

Tomorrow morning,

they'll believe, alright.

They'd better.

Because if they don't, then

there won't be a tomorrow morning.

So for the sun to come up tomorrow,

the Hogfather has to be alive.

Precise-amente.

But what if he's dead?

And this was gonna

be your big... moment.

It's him!

Such a shame!

Pretty lights...

Think... happy, Banjo.

Wake up! Wake up! You've

got to find the Hogfather!

He was at the Castle of Bones.

You're not the Hogfather.

There must be thousands here.

What's all this stuff? It's just paper.

They're title deeds to properties,

and they're better than money.

So if we steal them,

do they become ours?

Is that a trick question?

Anyway, let's get going.

He won't miss a few, er...

- Gentlemen.

- We were just, er...

We were just... piling up the stuff.

Hah!

Hmm! I know people say

I'd kill them as soon as look at them.

And in fact, I'd much rather kill

you than look at you, Mr Lilywhite.

You're thinking that

Banjo's gonna help you.

That's how its always been, isn't it?

But Banjo's my friend now.

Banjo has the heart...

of a little child.

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