Hogfather Page #6

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And believe, I have, too.

Help him, Banjo.

As far as this goes, I

really have no use for it.

It's only pillow money.

Something much more...

interesting has become apparent.

Albert...

I don't see the Hogfather

as someone who rolls his own.

Drop him.

Control. Control the inner child,

and it'll even give you its teeth.

And somewhere in this tower,

you're gonna help me find

someone who can use it...

...who can use it

to... give me the world.

So, is he saying to

take the money and go?

Don't be so bloody stupid!

Daddy?

I say... It's not what you think!

Yes, it is.

Mr Brown?

There's one door you haven't found.

Find the Tooth Fairy's secret

room. And when he does...

...then, just think what I

can make the kiddiewinks think.

- Are you alright?

- I wish I was dead.

I think you may have

come to the right place.

- Oh, my head...

- Are you the Hogfather?

I feel awful! Have you got any ice?

Duty calls.

Yeah, but which one?

That one or this one?

Happy Hogswatch, everybody!

It was the night before Hogswatch.

Up, Gouger! Up, Rooter! Up Tusker! Up, Snouter! Giddyup!

But while children everywhere sleep fitfully in the belief

that a jolly, fat man is about to deliver their presents,

not necessarily everyone is entering into the Hogswatch spirit.

Good evening, Lord Downey. We offer you a commission.

You wish someone inhumed?

Brought to an end.

As for the who, let us call him...

the Fat Man.

If you don't believe in the Hogfather, there won't be any presents.

Thought so.

Is Mr. Teatime still in the building?

It's pronounced Te-ah-tim-eh, sir.

The dog seems to like you.

I get on well with animals, sir.

As a matter of interest, how would you go about inhuming this gentleman?

If he's supposed to be getting rid of the Hogfather, why is he going to the Tooth Fairy's castle?

ALBERT. SOMETHING HERE IS NOT RIGHT.

- Does he believe in things like the Tooth Fairy?

- Even the Hogfather.

'Cause after we're finished here, not even he will.

It's a very enemy-friendly spell, sir.

THE HOGFATHER. OH, DEAR.

ALBERT? WE MAY NOT HAVE MUCH TIME.

ONWARDS, BINKY, TO THE HOGFATHER'S CASTLE OF BONES.

- All of them?

- Every last one.

- Put 'em in a pile?

- That's millions.

APPLESAUCE.

OH, YES. AND... HO, HO, HO.

Grandfather? So what have you turned up for?

And if it's for business reasons, I will add, then that outfit is in extremely poor taste.

THE HOGFATHER IS UNAVAILABLE.

At Hogswatch?

HE IS GONE.

Susan will try to find out what this is all about.

YOU MIGHT THINK I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT OF THAT,

BUT I COULDN'T POSSIBLY COMMENT.

Get hold of something like somebody's nail clipping, hair, teeth...

You got them under your control.

Children of the world, prepare to take a short tour.

The Hogfather. Grandfather, what've you done?

SO MANY CHIMNEYS.

I mean, if we're gonna give Susan enough time to succeed,

the little perishers need to believe in you, master. No, I mean the Hogfather.

So, you got to look the part!

What's going on here, then? Eh?

It's as if something is triggering random bursts of stray belief.

IT'S THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR LITTLE FACES I LIKE.

Yeah. The sort of cross between fear and awe.

Not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants.

YES. NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL BELIEF.

Pretty lights...

You're not the Hogfather!

Daddy?

Wake up! Wake up! You got to find the Hogfather!

He was at the Castle of Bones.

Happy Hogswatch, everybody!

- It's not what you think!

- Yes, it is.

Are you the Hogf...

Everything starts somewhere,

although many physicists disagree.

There is the constant desire to find out where,

where is the point where it all began?

But much, much later than that

the Discworld was formed.

Drifting onwards through space

atop four elephants on the shell of a giant turtle

the great A'tuin.

It was sometime after its creation

when most people forgot

that the very oldest stories at the beginning are

sooner or later

about blood.

At least, that's one theory.

The philosopher Didactylos has suggested an alternative hypothesis:

things just happen, what the hell.

Our story began in Ankh-Morpork

the twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork

the biggest city in Discworld.

A city, where magic is just another job

and where the Tower of Art of the Unseen University for wizards

looms over all the dark, narrow streets below.

Our story continues in the middle of the night before Hogswatch,

a mid-winter festivel, which, for some reason,

bears a remarkable similarity to your Christmas.

But now it takes us to the Tooth Fairys castle,

where magic's made children's teeth periliously powerful.

So that our story is, much sooner rather than later,

about blood.

Mr. Teatime!

Very well, I've unlocked it.

And Banjo's opened it.

I'm not telling you anything! Who are you, anyway?

I'm glad you've asked! I'm your worst nightmare!

You mean...the one with the giant cabbage and the kind of whirring knife thing?

Sorry, no. Not that one.

I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you stone dead.

Oh, that one. But that's not very...

Rather a charitable act there, I feel. But it is nearly Hogswatch, after all.

Bring me the girl.

ODD.

It's a scythe job, then?

They took the teeth! All of them! They just walked in, and... no, wait!

Where did he come from?

A PLACE I CANNOT GO.

Well, you'd better pull down. We've got Alber come out here, keeping the Hogfather's seat warm.

IF WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE TOOTH FAIRY'S CASTLE ISN'T STOPPED,

THEN EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN DOING IS A WASTE OF TIME.

AND IF THEY GET TO THE TOOTH FAIRY,

THEY WILL BE ABLE TO CONTROL ALL HUMAN BELIEF.

UNLESS SUSAN GETS THERE FIRST.

Yes, well, it's coming along well. Very impressive! Well done.

I need your help, Mr. Ridcully.

I, err... you're...

Yes. The scythe, the cloak, the white horse, the granddaughter.

I need you to wake him up.

His name's Bilious. He's the oh God of Hangovers.

Something nasty's happening tonight. I'm hoping he can tell me what it is.

But he's got to be able to think straight first.

And you brought him here?

Why are you doing that?

- I mean, I was a bit behind with the teeth, I know...

- Is this her door?

- Don't know, there was 13 dollars in pillow money...

- Is this her door?

I admit, but I signed the form GV19 for them...

Will you just shut up and answer the question?

I don't know, I've never been here before.

Your boss probably doesn't realise how irritating you are.

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Or Miss Bottler gets is.

S'that good, I g'it! Have you got the lid?

THIS IS REALLY, REALLY STUPID.

I think the tradition got started when everyone had them big chimneys, master.

INDEED? IT'S ONLY A MERCY IT'S UNLIT.

THE BOY WANTS A PAIR OF TROUSERS THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHARE,

A HUGE MEAT PIE, A SUGAR MOUSE, 'A LOT OF TOYS' AND A PUPPY CALLED SCRUFF.

Ah, sweet. I shall wipe away a tear, 'cos what he's gettin', see, is this little wooden toy and an apple.

BUT THE LETTER CLEARLY...

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