Hogfather Page #7

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I know, it's the socio-economic factors.

The world'd be in a hell of a mess if everyone got what they asked for, eh?

I GAVE THEM WHAT THEY WANTED IN THE STORE.

What good's a god who gives you everything you want?

YOU HAVE ME THERE.

Its the hope that's important.

It's a big part of belief, hope.

Give people jam today and they'll just sit and eat it.

Jam tomorrow, now - that'll keep them going for ever.

AND YOU MEAN THAT BECAUSE OF THIS THE POOR GET POOR THINGS

AND THE RICH GET RICH THINGS?

Oh, yeah. That's the meaning of Hogswatch, isn't it, master?

BUT I'M THE HOGFATHER! AT THE MOMENT, I MEAN.

Makes no difference.

I remember when I was a nipper, it was one Hogswatch.

I had my heart set on this huge model horse in this shop. It was what I always wanted.

Someone was in there buying it. And you know, just for a second,

I thought it really was going to be for me.

But it wasn't.

I spent hours with my nose pressed up against the window,

until someone heard me callin', and unfroze me.

I'd've killed for that horse.

But I still hung up my stocking on Hogswatch Eve. You know why?

Because I had hope!

And the next morning, our dad's put in my stocking a little wooden horse,

that he carved his very own self.

AH, AND THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE EXPENSIVE TOY HORSES IN THE WORLD!

No, 'cause you're a selfish little bugger when you're seven. Only grown-ups think like that.

THIS IS WRONG. IT IS... UNFAIR.

That's life, is it, master, isn't it?

BUT I'M NOT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY.

AND OTHER THINGS ENDING IN OLLY.

Please, just take her out of vocal range.

Mr. Brown! Your big moment.

Break me up the real Tooth Fairy.

If you're the Lecturer in Recent Runes, can't you do something more magical?

Well, Spold's Unstirring Divisor would do it.

You'd end up with a large beaker full of all the nastiness.

Not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects.

Tell me about the side effects.

The main one is that the rest of him would end up in a somewhat larger beaker.

Alive?

Broadly, yes. Living tissue, certainly. And definitely sober.

Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?

It's got to be worth a try.

Thank you, Modo.

Is this going to take much longer? We may not have much time.

Oh, you can't be too careful.

What's that?

Wow-Wow Sauce. The hottest sauce in the Universe.

And it will blow your head clean off.

It's not safe to drink it when sweat's still condensing on the bottle.

On the other hand, it's a kill-or-cure remedy then we are, given the possibility

that the patient is immortal, probably on to a winner.

It did not go critical yet.

I don't know, I wish you fellows would show some backbone...

Careful, Archchancellor. What you have there might represent pure sobriety!

I'll try it.

You did say that he was immortal, didn't you?

- You mean... he just appeared?

- Yes.

He has no memory of existing before appearing at the Hogfather's castle.

You mean like this fella?

Don't be ridiculous, gods and gnomes don't just appear for no reason!

Bring me, let's see, twenty pints of lager, some pepper vodka, and a bottle of cofee liquor.

I didn't have you sobered up just so that you can go on a binge.

- You don't drink!

- I don't? Oh. Yeah.

I need you to help me!

I'm afraid did it, didn't I? I said something to young Stibbons about drinking and hangovers.

You mean you created him just like that? I find that very hard to believe.

Good job nobody mentioned the Hair Loss Fairy, then.

I am not losing my hair! It is just very finely spaced.

Yes, half on your head and half on your hairbrush!

For the last time, I am not...

I wish I knew where that was coming from.

We need a bigger brain for this.

That thinking engine of yours is working, Ponder?

Hex is resting, Archchancellor.

Can you hear me in there?

You don't have to shout, Archchancellor.

What is that glingleglingleglingle noise all about?

It says, look on the Dean. Over the Dean?

Is there a problem?

Are you the Hair Loss Fairy?

Apparently.

What have you been doing with my hair?

Just a minute! Where exactly were you, before I found you in the snow?

Anywhere where drink was consumed in beastly quantities some time previously, you could say.

So, you were an immanent vital force, eh?

Oh, sounds great! What is that?

So when we joked about the Hair Loss Fairy it suddenly focused on the Dean's head.

You're calling things into being.

I personally always wondered, if there was an Eater of Socks.

You know how there's always one missing.

To the laundry!

Tell me again, who these people are.

Some of the cleverest men in the world.

And I'm sober, am I?

What is that ridiculous thing on your head?

I dunno, sir!

What? What is it?

It says here, 'If found, please return to the Tooth Fairy's castle.'

At least the Tooth Fairy already existed.

Tooth Fairy...

Oh, you see her around a lot these days. Or them, rather.

It's a sort of franchise operation to collect children's teeth in exchange for money.

And she has a castle? She sounds great.

Actually, I do remember one thing.

When I appeared at the Hogfather's house, there was this drunken little fellow in a pointy hat.

I thought it was just the drink talking, but he did mention something about...

Permanent end of the patrol-servitude for the little elves! Of all fantasy personifications.

...including the Tooth Fairy.

Where did you find this?

Is he all right?

I say, what is the geographical location of the Tooth Fairy's castle?

Now I'm feeling all well. Can I come with you?

This is not a normal situation. Look, I think I better tell you.

- My grandfather is Death.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Death. You know, Death? The robes, the scythe, the white horse, bones. Death.

But at the moment he's acting rather strange.

I just want to make sure I got this clear.

You think your grandfather is Death, and you think he's acting strange.

Look, Death adopted my mother. He then took on a human apprentice.

They fell in love, and I'm the result.

This is fascinating.

Let's just say I've picked up a few, strange genetic signs on the way.

Oh, that looks dangerous.

I hope so.

Wait, I could help you!

Would you be any good in a fight?

Yes, I could be sick on people!

I have to sort this out.

Can't have creatures popping into existence just by people talking about them.

Unhygienic.

So what is this implied creation, eh?

Humans have always ascribed random, seasonal, natural or inexplicable actions

to human shaped entities.

Such examples are the Hogfather, the Tooth Fairy and Death.

All right, but I'm damn sure there's never been an Eater of Socks or an oh God of Hangovers.

I think it works like this:

What we're getting is personification of forces, just like Hex said.

Like the Hogfather? When you're a kiddie, it's as good an explanation,

as any to where the presents come from.

Why is it happening now?

Belief's causing new creatures to appear?

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