Hogfather Page #8

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You could put it like that.

There's a finite quantitiy of belief in the Universe?

Certainly, people're going to believe only in so many things.

It follows that if a major focus of belief is removed, there would be spare belief.

What are people not believing in all of a sudden?

Out of cheese error? Melon, melon, melon. Redo from start!

It's Hogswatch. I suppose the Hogfather is around, isn't he?

I LIKE THIS JOB.

Oh dear, oh dear.

EXCUSE ME.

YES. THIS WILL SHOW.

The poor little match girls dying in the snow is all part of the spirit of Hogswatch, master.

You see, people hear about it, and they say:

'we might be as poor as a disabled banana, and only can afford to eat mud and boots,

but see how much better off we are than the poor little match girl?'

It makes them feel happy and grateful for what they've got.

I KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT OF HOGSWATCH IS, ALBERT.

You're not allowed to do that!

THE HOGFATHER CAN. THE HOGFATHER GIVES PRESENTS.

THERE IS NO BETTER PRESENT THAN THE FUTURE.

That's it. I had enough with this pixie life.

I'm waiting for the Hogfather.

I'm in the dark, waiting for the Hogfather.

Me. A believer in natural philosophy.

I can find the square root of 27.4 in my head.

I shouldn't be doing this.

It's not as if I've hung a stocking up.

There'd be some point if...

TAKE HER SOMEWHERE WARM, AND GIVE HER A GOOD DINNER.

AND I MAY WELL BE CHECKING ON LATER.

Looks like we've been chosen to do a bit of charity.

Well, I don't call it very charitable just dumping someone on people, like this.

I dunno. Some people wouldn't know the real meaning of Hogswatch

if it jumps up and caught them in the grope.

No!

This is a child's painting.

Twyla paints like that.

I painted like that. Grandfather saved some of my draw-

Come on, let's find the house.

What house?

There's always a house.

I was told you're the best locksmith in the city.

Yes, but locks normally don't alter themselves while you're working on them, that's what I'm saying.

Are you the best, or not?

No! Not the dark!

Banjo! I'm getting out of here. Something's wrong with this place.

I've made a big pile!

You want to come with me?

Pretty here.

Mr. Sideney.

Would he deliver to apes earlier than to humans?

Interesting point, sir.

Possibly, you are referring to my theory that humans may have descended from apes.

A bold hypothesis, which, if the grants committee could just see their way clear

to letting me hire a boat, and sail around... to the islands...

I just thought, he might deliver alphabetically.

LET ME SEE NOW...

Who the hell are you?

I'M THE HOGFATHER, OF COURSE. ER... HO, HO, HO.

You look extremely thin in the face.

I'M... I'M A BIT ILL.

Terminately, I would say.

It's a false beard!

NO, IT'S NOT!

It's got hooks for the ears! That must have given you a spot of trouble.

A pillow!

I thought there were seven locks.

Yes, but they're half magic and half real and half not there.

There's parts of them that don't exist all the time!

I thought you could open any lock anyone ever made.

Made by humans, And most dwarfs. I dunno what made these. You never said anything about magic.

That's a shame. Then really I have no more need of your services. You may as well go back home.

What about my money?

Of course, you should get what you deserve.

You must think I was born yesterday, Mr. Teacup.

I'm leaving, right? With what's coming to me. And you ain't stopping me.

Banjo certainly ain't.

I knew his old Ma in the good old days.

You think you're nasty? You think you're mean?

Ma Lilywhite'd tear your ears off and spit 'em in your eye, you cocky little devil.

I remembers you when you was little, Banjo. I used to sit you on my knees!

Banjo!

There you are.

Where do all those shadows coming from? It's giving me the creeps!

And it's all your fault!

Oh, yeah? So it wasn't you who said, wow, ten thousand dollars, count me in?

Yeah, but I didn't know there was going to be all this creepy stuff! I want to go home!

You're acting like a child!

Poor guy must've slipped.

Yeah. He slipped.

That's the Tooth Fairy's castle?

It's teeth.

And I should be scared?

There's nothing that scary about teeth.

Did I say I was scared? I must just be hung over, again.

- Oh, no.

- They're only teeth?

Surely, noone would try to...

What is that?

It's such old magic, it isn't even magic anymore.

If you've got a piece of someone's hair, nail clippings or tooth,

you can control them.

Don't tell me someone is...

- What's that shadow?

- This place is alive.

And it's protecting itself.

Now, what happened to the other fellow?

WELL, THE HOGFATHER HAS ENEMIES.

What'd he do? Miss a chimney?

There's people down there, Mr. Teatime!

Well, just do away with them.

One of them is a girl.

Then do away with them... politely.

Keep going. Quicker.

Aaah! It's after me! Let me out!

What was that?

It's finding their nightmares.

Let me out! It's after me!

Pull yourself together.

There's nothing chasing you.

I thought it was the...

wardrobe.

What wardrobe?

When I was a kid, we had this big... wardrobe.

And it had this... on the door... it had this face!

And it made me... whispered things.

Who's that moving up there?

I think they saw us.

If they are tooth fairies, there has been a really stupid equal opportunity policy.

Right. You go that way, I this way.

- Why don't we stay together?

- What's got into you?

This is a children's place. The rules are what children believe.

Well, that's a relief.

You think so? It's impossible to die here.

My grandfather doesn't figure in the child's world.

That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.

Oh, you die. But not here. You... let's see... yes.

You go somewhere else. Away.

- Aren't you Sus...

- Yes. When you came for Twyla's last tooth,

you were so shocked I could see you.

Look, we may not have a lot of time.

Is this the Tooth Fairy?

A tooth fairy.

Do you drink at all?

No, I don't.

Not touch alcohol, at all?

Never. My dad's very strict about that sort of thing.

Nice castle!

Can we get on?

Good. Who brought you here, Violet?

I don't know. Oh, but he's dressed like an assassin!

OK. You two stay here, I'll go, find him.

And I'll look after Violet.

That's the fourth lock, open.

I commend your expertise. And the others?

Do you know exactly what's in here, Mr. Teatime?

Logically, she's the guardian of children's beliefs. And this is her castle.

And I come across as securely locked door as this,

and not to thoroughly investigate woud...

lack elegance.

What's that sound?

What sound?

That sound! Like all... scissors, grating.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE AUDITORS?

I suppose the Bursar might have done.

NOT AUDITORS OF MONEY. AUDITORS OF REALITY.

THEY'RE THE CIVIL SERVICE OF EVERYTHING.

And they want to get rid of us.

THEY WANT HUMANS TO BE LESS CREATIVE.

THE HOGFATHER IS A SYMBOL OF THIS.

STRANGE THINKING.

THEY HATE THE WAY HUMANS MAKE UP STORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE.

I can't think why. Anyway, why are you doing this job?

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