Hogfather Page #9

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SOMEONE MUST. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT.

BEFORE DAWN, THERE MUST BE ENOUGH BELIEF IN THE HOGFATHER.

Why?

SO THAT THE SUN WILL COME UP.

I SELDOM JOKE.

What sort of goding do you do?

Well, I'm the oh God of Hangovers.

A God of Hangovers? How awful.

You're more cut out to be one of those improtant gods.

What's this? Lovers' Lane?

You leave him alone, you! He's a god!

Dear me, out of thunderbolts, are we? Well, y'know, I've never killed a...

What's the matter? It is a wardrobe, yes.

I don't want to see! I don't want to see!

Hex was right, Archchancellor.

HEX? WHO IS HEX?

He's the biggest thinker in the world.

I WOULD LIKE TO MEET THIS MR. HEX.

Quite a large thaumic reading, gentlemen. I think he got here by magic.

THEY SAY YOU ARE THE BIGGEST THINKER IN THE WORLD.

BUT DO YOU ALSO BELIEVE?

+++ Yes +++

EXTEND LOGICALLY THE RESULT OF THE HUMAN RACE CEASING TO BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER.

WILL THE SUN COME UP? ANSWER.

+++The Sun Will Not Come Up+++

CORRECT.

HOW MAY THIS BE PREVENTED? ANSWER.

+++Regular and Consistent Belief+++

GOOD. I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU, THINKING ENGINE.

BELIEVE IN THE HOGFATHER.

DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER.

DO YOU BELIEVE? ANSWER!

+++YES+++

GOOD.

...OH, NO...

+++Dear Hogfather,

for Hogswatch I want...

LET ME SEE. HOW OLD ARE YOU?

AND HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?

Hello.

Well, well, well. What have we here?

Bone handle, rather tasteless skull and bone decoration...

Death himself's second favourite weapon.

Am I right?

Oh, my. It must be Hogswatch.

This must mean that you are Susan.

The famous granddaughter. Nobility. I'd bow, but I'm afraid you would do something...

dreadful.

Yes! Yes! Left-handed using a wooden pick! That's simple.

Ah, Mr. Teatime! I've managed to open the fifth lock. Not a problem!

It's just based on Woddeley's Occul Sequence.

How do you know who I am?

Easy. Twurp's Peerage. Family motto: 'Non temetis messor'.

Your father was well known. Went a long way very fast.

As for your grandfather... honestly, that motto. 'Fear Not The Reaper'.

Is that good taste?

Of course, you don't need to fear him, do you? Or do you?

I don't know what you're talking about. Who are you, anyway?

I beg your pardon. My name is Teatime, Jonathan Teatime. At your service.

You mean... like around four o'clock in the afternoon?

No. I did say Teh-ah-tim-eh. Please don't try to break my concentration by annoying me.

How are you getting on, Mr. Sideney?

If it's just according to Woddeley's sequence, number six should be copper and blue-green light.

Do you think your grandfather will try to rescue you?

But now I have his sword, you see. I wonder...

All fingers and thumbs, Mr. Sideney?

I've managed to open the sixth lock, Mr. Teatime.

Really? But it may not be all important now.

Thank you, anyway. You've been most helpful.

Yes, you may go.

Is that all you're here for? A robbery? Like a petty thief.

A thief? Me? I'm not a thief, madam.

No, these gentlemen are thieves.

That's Medium Dave and exhibit B is Banjo. He can talk!

- Who are you?

- I'm incognito!

Look like a wizard to me.

Did you suck your thumb when you were litle?

No!

That's the Scissor Man!

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Kids believe all kinds of crap! But I'm grown up now, right.

No more Hogfather. And that's only the start.

I'll be able to make people believe anything I want.

What's this? You said no more Hogfather?

He does know what we've been doing here, doesn't he?

You did tell him?

There's gotta be a Hogfather. There's always a Hogfather.

She did it! She killed him!

No, I didn't!

- Did!

- Didn't!

- Did!

- Didn't!

Did!

What's this about the Hogfather?

I don't think he's dead, but Teatime has made him very ill.

Who cares? When this is over, Banjo, you'll have as many presents as you want.

Trust me.

There has to be a Hogfather, or there's no Hogswatch!

It's just another solar festival!

Banjo and me are going.

Bajo! You're coming with me, right now.

Grab her, Banjo. It's all her fault.

Our Mom said, no hitting girls!

No touchin 'em, or pullin' their hair!

She's not a girl. She's a freak!

I think I know you, Teatime. You're the mad kid they're all scared of, right?

Banjo! I said, grab her.

Our Mom said...

The kid who didn't know the difference between chucking a stone at a cat,

and setting it on fire.

Shut up! Get her, Banjo!

The kind of little boy, who looks up dolls' dresses.

I didn't.

- Our Mom said...

- Oh, to blazes with your mam!

What'd you say about our mam?

I bet no one wanted to played with you, not the kid with no friends.

Banjo! You do as I tell you.

Our... our mam... our mam said...

Have you been a bad boy, Banjo?

You've been letting him get into trouble again, eh, Davey?

You have, ain't you?

No, Mom! No, Mom!

You need a good hiding, Banjo?

Sorry, sorry, Mom!

You been playing with girls again?

Sorry, sorry, Mom!

No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum!

Oh, no! I don't think so!

This place gets into your head, doesn't it?

It finds out how to deal with you.

But I'm in touch with my inner child. It's so much fun.

No pullin' girls hair! That's bad!

I'm going to have such fun with it! It's so light.

You wouldn't dare use it. My grandfather will come after you!

He comes after everyone.

He's very single-minded.

I'll be ready for him.

It doesn't work here.

There's no death here.

Hi, inner child! I'm the inner baby sitter!

Happy Hogswatch!

Is he dead?

He's not breathing.

Breathing spell... breathing spell!

Spolt's Forthright Respirator, perhaps. I think I've got it written down somewhere...

Come on, chaps! Give me some space.

Excuse me, excuse me! This is vitally important for the advancement of natural philosophy.

Did you see any bright lights? Was there a shining tunnel? Did any deceased...

What's all this, Mr Stibbons? Put the damn quill away!

This must be the Unseen University.

And you're all wizards.

There was a sword!

Oh, yes. It's fallen on the floor.

Did I do that?

I really must be off.

He won't get far.

The main doors are locked in accordance with Archchancellor Spode's Rules.

Won't get far... while holding a sword that appears to be able to cut through anything.

You can get into trouble, hitting girls. No playin' with girls.

What can we do now?

Hello, my dear.

No.

Sorry, dear?

You're not the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, I am, dear.

Grandma, what big teeth you have.

You've even got a shawl. Oh, dear.

I don't understand, lovely.

You forgot the rocking chair.

I always thought there'd be a rocking chair.

I don't think you're real.

It's not a little, old woman in a shawl, running this place.

You're out of my head.

That's how you defend yourself. You poke around in people's head, and find the things...

No. It's horrible, but it does not frighten me.

I like spiders.

Dogs, no.

I like rats, rats are fine.

Sorry, is anyone frightened of that?

Help! I... I...

You're a bogeyman, aren't you?

Not 'a'. The!

The first Bogeyman!

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