Hogfather Page #10

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You look terrible.

Thank you very much.

I mean ill.

I used to jump out on them, and say: Boo!

But then, I got to like them.

Only children were frigthened of me.

I mean, what's to be scared of?

Bones, phoney arms...

But then, I discovered that there are much worse things than me.

And I wanted to protect the children.

Get them safe from all the really bad things.

So, I built all this, to be a safe place.

And the teeth?

You don't leave all those teeth around, anything could happen!

Anything nearly did.

So, you are the Tooth Fairy, then.

Yes. I... and then they came... stealing.

I'm too weak to look after them any more.

You don't die here. Just get old. Listening to the laughter...

Don't worry about the teeth. I'll make them safe again.

I think it would be a good idea, if you did the Tooth Fairy's job, Banjo.

D'ya think that be all right? Won't the Tooth Fairy mind?

You... do it until she comes back.

Who's gonna tell me what to do?

Noone's ever going to tell you what to do again, Banjo.

Thanks, Miss. I'll keep the teeth safe.

- Ah, Miss?

- Yes, Banjo?

Can I have a puppy?

I had a kitten, but our Mom's drowned it 'cause it was dirty.

I think it will turn up quite soon, Banjo.

Thanks, Miss.

With Violet we talked about it and we thought we ought to come back and help.

It's okay. They're all gone.

And Banjo needed a new job.

That's funny. So does Bili!

Why don't you two make yourself useful, and help Banjo clear up this mess.

He's pretty much running the place now.

- But he's a...

- He's in charge.

We'd love to help Banjo. Together.

Good. Have fun. Now I'm going home.

This is a hell of a way to spend Hogswatch.

Grandfather, what're you doing here?

IT IS NOT OVER. YOU MUST BRING THE HOGFATHER HOME.

These look like the mountains where the Castle of Bones was.

THEY ARE.

- It's a pig!

- A BOAR.

This boar is the...

YES. THE HOGFATHER, AS HE BEGAN.

And the dogs...

THESE ARE NOT REAL DOGS. IF THEY CATCH HIM, HE WON'T JUST DIE.

HE WILL NEVER BE.

Well, stop them!

THIS IS A HUMAN THING.

THE AUDITORS ARE DESPERATE NOW.

THEY ARE DETERMINED TO DESTROY THE HOGFATHER,

AT WHATEVER COST.

YOU MUST SAVE HIM.

Come on, jump! Just you try it!

Yes! Who wants some? Anyone else?

HO, HO, HO.

YOU COULDN'T RESIST IT IN THE END.

A MISTAKE, I FANCY.

IT GETS UNDER YOUR SKIN, LIFE.

SPEAKING METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE.

AND, YOU SEE, THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE FOR EVERY MOMENT,

THE MORE ALIVE YOU STAY.

WHICH IS WHERE I COME IN, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

You can't do this! There are rules!

YES. THERE ARE RULES. BUT YOU BROKE THEM!

HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU?

AND NOW, THERE REMAINS ONLY ONE, FINAL QUESTION...

HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY, OR NICE?

HO. HO. HO.

We saved you.

Dying isn't how it's supposed to go.

OH. SORRY.

Well. That about wraps it up for this dress.

I'd just like to ask, purely out of academic interest,

you were sure I was going to survive, were you?

I WAS QUITE CONFIDENT.

Good. Now, tell me...

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T SAVED HIM?

Yes.

THE SUN WOULD NOT HAVE RISEN.

Then what would have happened?

A MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS WOULD HAVE ILLUMINATED THE WORLD.

All right, I'm not stupid.

You're sayint that humans need fantasies to make life bearable.

NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN.

TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.

With Tooth Fairies? Hogfathers?

YES. THAT'S PRACTICE.

YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.

So we can believe the big ones?

YES. JUSTICE, MERCY, DUTY, THAT SORT OF THING.

They're not the same at all.

YOU THINK SO?

THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER,

AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE,

AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE,

ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY.

AND YET...

YOU TRY TO ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD.

AS IF THERE IS SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE,

BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.

But people have got to believe that. What's the point?

YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE.

HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO VISIT FOR HOGSWATCH DINNER?

ALBERT IS FRYING A PUDDING.

I... er... they're really expecting me here.

Would you like a drink before you go?

A CUP OF COCOA WOULD BE APPROPRIATE IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Right. There are biscuits in the tin on the mantlepiece.

Susan's got a poker, you know.

MY GOODNESS ME.

I thought all of you knew that by now.

INDEED.

Last week she picked a bogey up by its nose.

I'll give Gawain his stocking and then I'll come and watch.

SUSAN?

Well, well, now this is unexpected. A family affair?

I wonder, is it possible to kill Death?

This must be a very special sword.

And it certainly works here.

And of course, it might well not be regarded as murder.

Possibly it is a civic act.

It would be, as they say... the Big One.

You may have some personal knowledge about your vulnerability,

but I'm pretty certain that Susan here would quite definitely die.

So I'd rather you didn't try any last-minute stuff.

I AM LAST MINUTE STUFF.

I don't remember them asking for anything that made a noise.

OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE.

OTHERWISE WHAT IS 4.30 A.M. FOR?

There are children? Oh yes, of course. Call them!

Certainly not.

It will be instructive. Educational.

And when your adversary is Death, you cannot help but be the good guy.

Call them.

Gawain, Twyla!

Come in, come in, curly-haired tots!

I've caught this bogeyman.

What shall we do with him, eh?

It's only a skeleton.

Yes, a nasty, creepy, horrible skeleton. Scary, ah?

He's eating a biscuit.

A creepy bony man in a black robe.

You're fidgeting with that kettle.

So I expect you're thinking of doing something creative.

Put it down, please. Slowly.

Huh, that's not very creepy, it's just bones.

It's just standing there. It's not even making woo-woo noises.

And anyway you're creepy. Your eye's weird.

Really? Then let's see how creepy I can be.

Oh, no. It could not have gone through you.

So many ribs, and things...

It only kills monsters.

Stop time, now!

You winked at me. I thought you had a plan!

INDEED, OH YES. I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU'D DO.

What?

I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH.

I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.

And if I hadn't done anything?

I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

AT THE LAST MINUTE.

That was the last minute.

THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE.

STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH.

You got it right!

OF COURSE.

I'LL TAKE THE BODY. THAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT QUESTIONS.

YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?

I was quite confident.

I'VE MADE THIS FOR YOU.

Thank you. Er... what is it?

ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT,

BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED.

IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.

THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL,

BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON.

IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.

Really?

IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL.

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