Hole in One

(GOLF CLUB WHOOSHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

TYLER:
The shaft's a bit longer on this one,

so just give it some room to breathe.

(EXCLAIMING)

Man down.

Ah, Mark, whatever.

He can take a shot to the head.

- Big Dog eats good.

- Sweet.

Seriously, man. You've got more

natural talent than anyone I've ever seen.

I mean, in a few years from now,

people are gonna be like, "Tiger who?"

- Hey, guys.

- You got everything we need?

I do. Your future is in my hands.

Hey, excuse me.

How would you like a PAHR T-shirt?

Number one up-and-coming

golf apparel company in the U.S.

Sure.

(GASPS)

Oh.

Thanks.

No, no, thank you.

- How did you do that?

- That was pimp.

Sh*t. I needed that shirt for the presentation.

- Oh, is that today?

- We're headed over there right now.

- Nice.

- We're gonna blow them away, all right?

PAHR is up and running, making a profit.

And we just stole Nike away

from Ash-Whole.

- Seriously? Nice. All right.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Right on.

- Hey, wait a minute.

E, don't you have English Lit?

Uh...

Yeah, sort of.

- Had a little problem with his professor.

- What problem?

He slept with her.

You slept with Mrs Watley?

- No.

- Now she keeps calling him.

- (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) "Eric, Eric."

- It wasn't my fault, though.

We were in an elevator together

and there was porno music playing...

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Is that...

I think so.

(BELL RINGING)

(MOANING)

You're my hero.

Your old man is gonna kill you when

he finds out you've been ditching classes.

Uh-uh. That's why we're gonna make sure

he doesn't find out.

Besides, once I pull a Bobby Jones,

he's gonna forget all about it.

It won't even matter.

Wait, an amateur is not gonna win

the US Open again.

It's been 80 years.

I think it's time. My time.

Get out of the way.

My time.

(GROANS) Son of a...

Oh, yeah!

I do like this club. Can I keep this?

- Hey, Sis.

- Hey, Ty.

Hey, Eric.

Hey, Mandy.

I haven't seen you on campus much lately.

Yeah, well, you know.

Too many beers need drinking.

And too many girls that need loving.

And night after night

I sit in my dorm all alone.

Well, you know,

I'm working my way over there.

I need this for the presentation.

Okay.

- Come on, Jason, let's go. Go.

- But I was just hanging out...

- Good luck.

- Later, man.

See you, guys. Oh, hey, are you going

to the Delta Tau party tonight?

(SHUSHING)

What?

Stay focused. I'll call you later.

Where you going? Class?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Mind if I walk you?

- Sure.

So, where is this party?

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark

and say that Ty doesn't want his little sister

at a frat party.

(SCOFFS) He doesn't run my life.

I'm 18 now, I can do what I want.

- All right, well...

- You know I'll find out where it is anyway.

He's gonna come after me with a five iron

if he finds out I'm the one who told you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hold on a second. Sorry.

Hey.

Yo, E.

I got a live one here.

What's his handi?

He thinks he's an eight.

Yeah? And he's looking for some action?

FERGUS:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get down here now, man.

All right.

I gotta jet. I got a fish on the hook.

There's gotta be a better way

to make money.

No, I gotta hustle every cent I can.

Maybe I should just sell my body for sex.

- In that case...

- No, no, no, no, no.

Your money is no good here.

I'll toss you one on the house.

Yeah. First taste is free,

after that it's gonna cost you.

(LAUGHS) Oh, jeez.

All right. Go to class, you.

- See you at the party later?

- We'll see. We'll see.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(GROANING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

- He's good.

- Yeah.

- He's real good.

- Yeah.

You can't even tell that he's holding back.

He's cocky enough to take us on?

Oh, yeah.

He'll take us both on.

Perfect.

Oh.

You're gonna need an eagle to win, kid.

Good luck.

It's a short par four.

You wanna raise the bet?

To $600? (LAUGHS)

I love it.

It's rough.

Okay.

What a lucky-ass shot.

I'd rather be lucky than good.

FERGUS:
Ouch.

ARNIE:
Son of a b*tch!

FERGUS:
That's gotta hurt.

(SNIFFING)

- Thank you.

- Find me more. Find me more.

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

Come on, dance, pretty girl.

(WHOOPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Mr Eric P. Keller. How you doing?

Not much, just enjoying a wonderful

little jaunt in my luxurious automobile.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, so, about that vehicle.

You about ready to turn it over to me yet?

You ready to go hump your cousin?

Oh. Now, now, see, there you go.

We were having ourselves

a nice little conversation

and you had to go and mess it up

by being all rude.

Somebody better learn you

some manners, boy.

Yeah, you know, I blame my parents.

Maybe my mom didn't hug me enough

or something, I'm not sure.

What about you? I bet you breastfed

till you were 21, didn't you?

I breast-feed every day, you little nubber.

Let's not bring your folks into this, okay?

'Cause I just talked to your pappy

and he seems like a real stand-up guy.

Why would you talk to my dad?

The car's in my name.

'Cause I was looking for you, son.

He told me you was off at school.

Say, tell me this.

You got them palm trees out there

in San Diego, don't you?

What's the matter?

Cat got your tongue?

You seem surprised, Eric.

I think you underestimated me, boy.

I can track a rabbit

through ten miles of horseshit.

You think I can't find you?

No, you know what? I'm sure you can.

I'm sure you can.

You know what? You're probably

triangulating my phone signal right now

with a pitchfork and a dowsing rod.

You make all the fun you want to,

monkey boy,

but that vehicle is gonna be mine.

All right, Mr Crazy-Ass Repo Man,

I gotta take off.

Listen, it's been real.

I hope to run into you real soon.

Yeah, you can bet on it.

(SINGING) Here, kitty, kitty

Won't you be my kitty cat

ROMAN:
That's him, the wonder boy.

Mr Scratch Golfer.

That's the little punk.

CARLTON:
He made a deuce

on the 18th at Cliffside.

- Like he was doing it in his sleep.

- ROMAN:
He's costing us money.

- Don't worry about a thing, Roman.

- We've got it covered.

ROMAN:
All right.

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

- (EXCLAIMING)

- Wakes you up, doesn't it?

- I like it.

- Yeah, hey, Dad.

- DOUG:
Hey, Eric.

- What's up?

- You need something? What's up?

- Nothing. Just studying.

- Studying, huh?

Yeah. Hey, listen. Did some guy call you

from the car dealership?

Someone called my secretary.

What's up about that?

No, no, everything's cool. Everything's cool.

- There's some kind of recall on the brakes.

- Really?

I don't know, they've been squealing,

making all kinds of noise.

It sounds like an anvil

squashing a sack of kittens.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hot.

He's got, like, those arms that are...

Oh, my God.

So, he really didn't like it, huh?

Are you even listening to me, man?

He didn't just "not like it", all right?

Hey, hey, hey. He f***ing hated it.

So what, dude? Who cares what he thinks?

His buy-in would've made it a lot easier

to win over my old man.

Yeah, but who cares? You're living proof

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