Hole in One Page #2

that the class doesn't mean sh*t!

You're out there doing it in the real world.

Well, that's it.

I'm taking a page out of your book.

I'm dropping out

and running PAHR full-time.

- Come on. What?

- You said it yourself.

We're making it happen.

I just need to focus on the business

and quit this useless school crap.

You're insane. You're a madman.

You're one to talk, elevator man.

Hey, you guys.

Let's go get some tits on tape.

Go with him. Keep an eye on him.

Out of the three of us, he's the only one

that even stands a chance of graduating.

Let's go.

Ladies, who wants to

make a mistake tonight?

Gross.

Take that.

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hey, what's your name?

- Mandy.

Mandy, if I told you, you had a rocking body,

would you hold it against me?

Thanks.

I love this dress.

(WHISPERING)

What did you say to her?

Who? Oh, her?

I may have mentioned that

you used to be a dude.

What?

It's believable.

You got like a really chiselled jaw line,

well-defined traps, nice bone structure...

Yeah.

So what about these?

Oh, those?

Those can be faked.

- Really?

- I read an article about it.

So you can tell the difference?

Oh, yeah, I've got mad skills.

- I bet you do.

- Yeah.

Of course, I have to conduct

a full visual exam

before we can begin

the physical portion of the exam.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I told you I would make my way here.

Yeah, I knew you would.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

- You wanna dance?

- Sure.

- With me?

- Yeah.

What the hell is she doing here?

I told you not to tell her about it.

She found it herself, man.

I was just telling her that

she should probably...

I can speak for myself.

If I want to be at a party, Ty,

I can be at a party.

No, you can't, all right?

You're leaving.

Go. I'm serious, go.

I'll deal with you later.

Get off of me.

Tough break, man. Tough break.

You shouldn't mess with

your best friend's sister.

I was just trying to keep her out of trouble.

Yeah, right.

Speaking of trouble,

I think she's looking to get into some.

Yeah, I think she's looking at you, Mark.

No way, she's all about the E-dog.

Plus, I don't dig on the ginger.

I've got my eyes on that one.

Mmm-mmm. Too young.

Hey, you know what they say,

"If there's grass on the field, play ball."

I don't even think there's grass on that field.

Well, then I'll play in the dirt.

You're a sick guy, Mark.

A sick son of a b*tch indeed.

Go get her, E-dog.

You're welcome!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Okay.

Will you stop?

- No, you always do this stuff to me.

- Do what?

You need to stop this, Ty.

One of these days you're going to have to

let me grow up on my own.

He's my best friend, Mandy.

No. It's just a little too weird for me,

all right?

Besides,

you don't know him like I do, all right?

He's not the kind of guy

you want to be dating.

He's never been anything

but sweet and nice to me.

Come on. This isn't high school any more,

all right?

He's changed.

So have I.

And so have I.

Maybe I know what's best for me.

(GRUNTS)

TYLER:
Come on.

Stop.

How about instead of mooning over Eric,

you come spend some time with me?

Your big bro.

- Okay.

- Okay.

But you're not Dad, you know. You can't

solve all problems with an ice cream cone.

Really?

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- All right.

Bye.

And put some clothes on!

Good night.

Cover this. Not good hanging out.

Sleep.

(WOMAN MOANING)

(GASPING)

(BOTH MOANING)

Oh, sh*t!

You, give me your shirt.

Wait a minute.

You can take my pants, too,

if you want them.

WOMAN:
Harder! Harder!

Check these out.

Come on.

Nice. How much those set us back?

Too much.

But it's all gonna be worth it, man.

It's a huge break getting this spread.

If you say so, man.

If I say so?

How do you think thousands of pro shops

across America

decide what clothes to put on their racks?

Golf Journal fall clothing edition!

We shoot the whole thing on Wednesday.

- Dude.

- What's up, guys?

JASON:
Guess who brought pizza?

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, Sis.

Pizza dude!

Move over.

- Want some?

- No, thanks.

Did your brother tell you

he's dropping out of school?

You're dropping out of school?

And you have the nerve to tell me

what I should and shouldn't do?

That's different, all right? No.

I have PAHR now, all right? It's my life.

School's just getting in the way.

What are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?

Mom and Dad don't need to know right now.

Guys, guys, guys, look! Check this out!

This is my favourite commercial of all time.

This is my favourite part. I love this chick.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV)

(MIMICKING) "But I have a big golf game

in two days.

"Will I be able to play after the procedure?"

"Of course, you will."

Yay!

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

MANDY:
What's that?

It's a DVD I made of the party yesterday.

Anything good?

Check it out.

I spent all night cutting it myself.

Good. I want to see what Ty made me miss.

Yo, partner! Come here. Come on, man.

- What do you think?

- ERIC:
I don't know.

I don't look so good in black.

You can see my flakes.

- This part's really cool.

- Are they...

(BOTH MOANING)

- Dude, did you film people screwing?

- Oh, yeah.

MARK:
Awesome!

They didn't even know you were there?

No way. I was in the shadows, hiding.

Dude, your camera's all messed up.

This guy is all green.

That's body paint, man.

Body paint?

Who wears paint when they're doing it?

It looks like Oscar the Grouch

is ploughing Elmo.

JASON:
(LAUGHING)

It does kind of look like that.

Freaks.

I prefer blue myself.

I bet you do, freak.

Yo, E-dog. Check this out.

Jason filmed a porno.

MAN ON TV:
...Big Dog to eat. (BARKING)

God, this dialogue sucks.

This guy sounds like he has a small dick.

That guy sounds a lot like Eric.

Bullshit.

(MAN MOANING)

- Give me the remote.

- No. This is my first film.

- WOMAN ON TV:
Give it to me, Big Dog Eric.

- Give me the remote.

Give it to me!

What? This is my film. My big debut.

I'm a filmmaker.

(BARKING)

(TV SWITCHING OFF)

Is that you on there?

No. Come on, are you crazy? Of course not.

Tyler, do you even want your sister

seeing this crap, man?

- Dude, is that paint on your back?

- ERIC:
No! Uh-uh.

Nope, it's not.

No, it's guacamole. I can explain that!

I can explain that.

Don't bother.

Wait, wait, wait, Mandy, Mandy.

Come on.

What's the big deal?

Of course you side with him.

That's what you guys always do.

Stick together.

Great job, Eric. Real good.

What did I do?

I don't know. Could it be the part

where you told my sister

I was dropping out of school?

Or the part where you screwed another girl

in front of my sister?

Yeah, well, I'm not the one who filmed it.

That was numb-nuts over here.

Hey, I didn't know it was you. I mean, I was...

Who goes around filming people

screwing anyway, you f***ing pervert?

- Hey, man, can I borrow that?

- JASON:
Yeah, sure.

- No!

- No.

TYLER:
See, Eric?

It's sh*t like this

why I don't let you go out with my sister.

You'd break her heart,

and then I'd have to kill you, all right?

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