Hole in One Page #3

If she goes and tells my parents

that I'm dropping out of school,

I'm screwed.

I still don't know what I did.

TYLER:
You never do.

Face it, man.

All you care about is a set of tits.

- What else would you guys like?

- I'd like to get under that skirt.

Sorry. There's only room

for one ass in this skirt.

(ALL SNICKERING)

I like her style.

Yeah, I see a bright future with you and her.

Later in your room.

So what's the deal, man?

You want to date Mandy or what?

I don't know. Ty will kick my ass.

Yeah, but do you like her?

Yeah, she's an amazing little hottie.

She's smart, and fun, and hot.

Yeah, and?

That's the problem.

I can't just stop banging

a bunch of different girls

and just bang one girl, you know?

I see a hot girl and I have to have her.

It's bigger than me.

Yeah, but it might be different

when you're with Mandy. You don't know.

No, it won't.

It won't. Trust me, dude. I can't control it.

Sure you can.

How? With castration?

Have you tried punching your balls a lot?

No, dude. I got it.

Next time you see a hot girl

and you start getting

all hot and bothered by her,

just picture her taking a sh*t, man.

One of those nasty ones, too. You know,

when she's all pushing and grunting, like...

(GRUNTS)

Then all of a sudden...

Just splatters the porcelain.

You're an idiot.

Yeah? Do you still

wanna bang the waitress?

No, as a matter of fact,

I can say that I don't at the moment.

See? You're cured.

Ta-da!

You can thank me later, bro.

As for me,

I'd still bang the waitress.

I don't care

if she drops a deuce in my mouth.

- Yeah, not hungry any more.

- Neither am I, man.

Pussies.

Thanks, fellows, for ruining

my favourite place to eat. Appreciate it.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Fergus, what's up?

Dude, I've got two doctors. It's all set up.

Cash buffet.

They're leaving a trail of money, dude.

Okay, cool, I'm on my way.

All right. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I have some business to attend to.

You're gonna go let the Big Dog eat, Eric?

Big Dog gonna eat good?

(BARKING)

Go feed the dog, Eric.

He doesn't like me.

Nice one there, Carlton.

If I've told you once, I've told you

a thousand times to keep your head down.

You're one to talk. With your side to side,

it's like you're swinging a machete.

Maybe I am.

ERIC:
(SOFTLY) Damn it.

(LAUGHS) Well, now there's a nice swing.

Hey, Carlton, I bet you 100 bucks

that you can't hit one 200 yards.

CARLTON:
It's just money.

Make it $200 and you're on.

Fine, you're on.

Watch and learn.

(SIGHS)

Easy come, easy go.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, sir.

Who thinks they can do 250?

- Thanks for coming by on such short notice.

- No worries.

I know what it's like to be stressed

and need a little release. (GIGGLING)

Let go.

Hey, and stop worrying about Mandy, okay?

- She's just growing up.

- Thanks.

I doubt she'd go to my parents,

but you never know what a girl will do

when she gets all emo.

Well, the main target of her rage

is gonna be Eric, right?

Good. Maybe it'll put an end

to her whole childish crush.

I doubt it.

He's gonna crash and burn.

And we women, oh, we love that.

I'll see you at the photo shoot

on Wednesday.

(SINGING) You can call me

You can claw me

You can cover me up with dirt

You little feline flirt

Here, kitty, kitty

Won't you be my kitty cat?

(GROANING)

Not my lucky day, I guess.

That's, what, five for you guys, four for me?

And we're just getting warmed up.

CARLTON:
No, you idiot, he let us win those.

No.

Is that true, kid?

Are you toying with us?

If you want, I can just give you

your 100 bucks now.

We'll just call it a day.

See that, Carlton? Kid's just nervous.

Now, I think we should double the stakes.

Say, $200 a hole?

ERIC:
It's just money, right,

so why don't we just

make it $500?

Well, if it's just money, why don't we make it

50 grand and really have some fun?

Fifty grand?

You're nuts. I don't have that kind of money.

- Maybe you don't have that kind of nuts.

- Maybe you should get on the man-wagon.

- Maybe you should man up.

- Maybe grow some balls.

- Maybe.

- All right. All right, fine.

- Let's play.

- All right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If you lose, how are you going to pay us?

We'll figure something out.

That's not good.

Do you know what we do for a living, Eric?

Well, let me see, based on the outfits

and the slice that can only be perfected

by playing once a week,

I'm gonna guess doctors.

We're not just doctors.

- We're plastic surgeons.

- And damn good ones, too.

Okay, great. You're still shitty golfers.

He does this.

Then you won't mind signing this release?

What is that?

That's a release form.

You see, we need a test patient.

So, should you lose

and not be able to cover the bet,

you can pay us in trade.

I'm sorry. Come again?

It's just that we need someone

to try out our patented procedure on.

You wanna operate on me?

- No, no surgery, no cuts.

- No, no.

It's just a simple little cosmetic touch-up,

it's completely reversible.

You're out of your minds.

See, I told you he didn't think

that he could beat us.

We'll just pay someone...

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let me tell you something. You two couldn't

beat me on my worst day. Blindfolded.

It's 50 grand.

And I'll tell you what. We'll forget about

the 100 bucks you owe us,

and we'll play fresh from this hole on.

What's the matter, kid,

you don't need 50 large?

Never lost to a doctor.

Prepare to kiss your money goodbye,

gentlemen. You're on.

Hey, Fergus. You witness this?

And your last name.

All right.

It's signed, it's official.

Let's tee this puppy up.

- Nice.

- Hey.

You guys smell that?

(SNIFFING)

What?

My comeback.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

That reminds me of your drive

when you won the club championship here.

Was that 2006 or 2007?

No, you won in 2007, right?

You know I can't keep track any more.

He can't.

Well, looky there.

I believe that puts us up one hole already.

Should I call the nurses

and tell them to start scrubbing up?

All right. That'll be all, Fergus.

It was a pleasure doing business with you.

Dude, I've got two kids. Maybe more.

Yeah? I hope you sleep well later,

Sammy the Bull.

Packing a gun.

(GROANING)

Nice one, kid.

You could win, we could win. It's so close.

This is bullshit. You guys hustled me.

This isn't even a fair match.

I gotta play solo, you get to ham-and-egg it

the whole way.

What about all that trash-talking

you were doing earlier?

Yeah, besides, you agreed to the terms.

- The terms are bullshit.

- The terms are signed.

And witnessed.

CARLTON:
Last hole, a lot of pressure.

It's okay. You'll look good with

a little enhancement, Mr Perfect.

Shut the f*** up.

(MUTTERS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, thanks a lot, guys. That was fun.

Had a good time.

(ERIC LAUGHING)

Holy sh*t!

No f***ing way.

HAMILTON:
Nice shot, partner!

- Time to collect on our little agreement.

- The bet is off.

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