Hole in One Page #4

Oh, come on, now. You gave us your word.

You guys are on glue

if you think I'm hanging.

Now, that is no way

to behave like a real man, Eric.

- Not a man on the man-wagon.

- That's right.

- F*** you both. I'm out of here.

- You know what? We thought you'd say that.

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

- (GROANS)

Instant and effective anaesthetic.

- Can I try?

- Be careful.

Are you ready for me?

Mandy.

Mandy.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

You gonna give it to me now, Big Dog Eric?

Mandy?

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Mandy.

HAMILTON:
Okay.

Mandy.

Little more pressure.

CARLTON:
Easy, easy.

Easy.

Easy.

- Easy.

- HAMILTON:
Nice.

Okay, now just a little...

Okay, just a little more.

- CARLTON:
Easy does it. Great.

- Mandy.

- There.

- Yeah. Wow.

Here's to...

BOTH:
Par-fection!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hmm?

Morning, sunshine.

Who's this?

Someone from your home state.

I got someone that wants to talk at you, boy.

Hi, Eric.

Professor Watley?

You want that "A" we talked about,

you're going to have to do

some extracurricular activities.

Let me talk at him.

Let me talk at him.

Hey, you best start going to class, boy.

What's your pappy gonna say?

Spending all that money.

The noose is tightening, boy.

The noose is tightening.

(MOANING)

(EXCLAIMS)

The South will rise again!

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- What?

- TYLER:
Wake up, b*tch.

- Huh?

- Dude, are you okay?

You don't sound too good.

Man, my head is killing me.

Serves you right, jackass.

That's what you get

for partying for two days straight.

I bet you already blew through

that money you won, huh?

- What?

- The golf match.

I thought Fergus hooked you up

the other day.

- Yeah, I don't know.

- Whatever.

Just get down here ASAP.

I'm on my way. I'm already in the car.

I'll be there.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(WATER RUNNING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. What the f***?

(GROANS)

What the f*** is that?

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

(PHONE RINGING)

You on your way?

Tyler, Tyler,

I got a big f***ing problem, man.

- I just woke up...

- lf you're not on your way here,

you're damn right you have a problem.

- No, no, no...

- No, you don't understand.

Get down here, pronto.

Dude, I'm not kidding, all right?

I'll kill you with my bare hands.

No, Tyler, I...

F***!

Excuse me, sir, I'm looking for... (EXCLAIMS)

Got jugs?

Nice rack, bro. (LAUGHS)

Hi, mister.

Need some nuts?

(SCREAMING)

F***!

F***.

She unzips her wedding dress.

It falls to the floor,

and she's completely naked.

She looks at me and she goes,

"I'm not married yet,

"so how about a couple of pictures

for your personal collection?"

- Bullshit.

- No, I swear to God. It's totally true.

I got the pictures. You wanna see them?

E- mail.

Men.

- The man of the hour.

- All right, let's do this thing.

I can't do this right now.

(LAUGHS) What's with the jacket, dude?

- It's like 80 out there.

- Listen to me.

I can't do this right now.

Eric, I'm not letting you do this to me again,

all right?

- lf you want to screw...

- Tyler.

No. If you want to screw around

and mess up your own life, fine.

But I'll be damned

if I'm gonna let you screw up mine.

- Tyler...

- I'm not finished. I'm not finished, all right?

You spend all of your free time just trying to

bone any girl that'll smile at you. No!

And your game has gone to complete sh*t

because all you do is hustle.

And now, you want to screw up

everything we've worked for.

All I need you to do is step up, be a man,

and do this photo shoot,

so I can get the advertising campaign going.

And you can't even do that,

'cause it's always about you, Eric.

What are you doing?

What the hell is this? A joke?

- I wish.

- Very funny. Okay, you got me.

Just take those off

and let's go do the photo shoot, all right?

Let's go.

Ty, this is not a joke. I'm serious.

Those aren't real.

They are real. Give me.

TYLER:
Holy f***ing sh*t!

(STUTTERS) This is messed up, man.

I know.

- How the hell could this have happened?

- I don't know.

- You don't know?

- Don't know.

- We gotta do something.

- I know!

Hey, you guys all right?

- Yeah, yeah, we're good.

- Yeah, yeah, we're good.

We're just...

- We're good.

- We're just...

Give us a minute.

Talent, you know.

So this is what you've been doing

the last two days?

I guess. I don't know.

I don't remember anything.

- What are we gonna do?

- Just relax, all right? I got it.

We have a problem with the clothes.

- What?

- I know.

I pulled the wrong sizes.

- He's gonna be pissed.

- I know.

Can you just handle it for me, please?

I need him out of here.

Just, whatever you have to do.

- Just get him out of here.

- Great.

- PHOTOGRAPHER:
What? What is going on?

- There's a little problem with the clothes.

But they're going to fix it,

and we're gonna have to postpone.

And you're sure

you've never seen these doctors before?

(SIGHS)

No, I don't know.

No. I don't think so.

But you're sure about their names?

Yeah, Hamilton and Carlton.

So...

Have you, like, pinched them and stuff?

- Come on, dude.

- I'm just naturally curious.

No, see, this is why

I didn't want to talk to you about this.

- I'm not trying to be a dick or anything.

- Shut up, you are

- trying to be a dick.

- It's not like I'm ever going to know.

- What's the big deal?

- Just f***ing drop it.

Too soon?

Why'd you take the bet?

It was 50 grand.

You should have been able

to sniff this one out.

I thought I had them.

I would've had them, too,

if I had my partner there.

Don't put this on me, all right?

I'm the one that told you to quit hustling.

It just ends up screwing with your game,

or in this case, giving you tits.

What do we do now?

"We", huh?

Come on, Ty.

Well, first thing we gotta do

is track down these doctors, all right?

And get them to take the tits out.

Then, we sue them for everything they got.

- Sound good?

- Yeah, sounds good.

Do me a favour, though.

Don't tell Mandy.

(PHONE RINGING)

What?

(WHOOPING) We're testy, ain't we?

- What is it, that time of the month?

- What?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, it's you. Listen, man,

I really don't have time for this right now.

Oh, I completely understand, Eric.

No problem at all.

Why don't I bust out my scheduler.

Okay, now what time should I

pencil you in for? Shall we say 4:00?

Believe me, you are not

the most pressing issue in my life right now.

Is that so?

Well, then maybe I ought to

make myself more pressing. Hmm?

Try to scare me all you want.

You're not scary to me any more.

Okay? You want to know what scary is?

Try waking up tomorrow morning

with a set of tits, pal. That's scary.

I try to wake up

with a set of tits every day, fool.

What the hell is wrong with this boy?

Ain't nothing scary about that.

I got the address.

- Hamilton and Carlton?

- Yes, please have a seat.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

You can't go in there! Please, stop.

Dude, we should've knocked.

- Sorry, Doctor, I told them.

- It's okay.

Eric, I'm with a patient.

F*** you, psycho.

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