Hole in One Page #5

We need to talk, right now.

About what?

About what? About these.

Those are exactly what I want.

- Can you excuse me for just a minute?

- Sure.

Okay. Sweetheart,

would you stay with Taylor?

I'm gonna take care of these gentlemen.

- Fourteen-pounders?

- Yeah.

- You like them?

- I do.

Look what the surgeon dragged in.

Wow. Looking good, Eric.

Nice to see you again.

Cut the sh*t.

You gave me tits, you're taking them out.

Chocolate, boys?

The way we remember it is,

we had a deal, Eric.

F*** the deal.

You hustled me, motherf***er.

- You hustled me, motherf***er!

- Yo, yo. Chill, chill, chill.

It was a fair bet. You agreed to the terms.

We've got the legal forms in our files.

Signed and witnessed.

- Any soreness?

- Get off me! I don't care what you have.

You performed surgery on me

against my will, dick.

- Yeah, we'll go to the cops!

- Nice to see you, Tyler.

Mr PAHR.

- How do you know me?

- It doesn't matter.

You can do what you want.

You can protest, you can go to the cops.

But the fact remains is,

you signed the release

and we were just performing the surgery

to your wishes.

All right, come on. What's it gonna take

to cover the bet and get them out?

(MOUTHING)

Fifty grand.

- He doesn't have that much.

- Then the hooters stay.

All right, you know what?

I'll just go to another surgeon.

They'll take them out for less than 50 grand.

Might even feel sorry for me

and take them out for free.

Yeah, let's go.

You know what?

That's not like that, actually.

It's a patented procedure

that nobody can perform but the two of us.

In fact, there's not a doctor in the free world

who'd risk his career to even touch you.

Better hope we stay healthy.

And should you decide to go to Mexico

or some other such place,

or, God forbid, take them out yourself,

here's what would likely happen.

(SNICKERING)

- It's upside down.

- There we go. Sorry about that.

Picture your mom's face

as she opens up the mail one day.

Or your dad.

"What has our son done to himself?"

- You don't even know my parents.

- You mean Mr Doug Keller,

majority stock-holder

of Oswald Manufacturing,

charter member

of Champion Creek Country Club?

Imagine the first board meeting.

A crisp white envelope

for each board member

containing a nice eight-by-ten glossy

of the favourite son.

With a sweet set of hooters.

The only modelling you're gonna be doing

is for our next ad campaign.

- Hey, that's good.

- I'm an idea man.

You guys are sick.

Why me? What did I do to you?

You lost a bet, hotshot.

Now, bring us the 50 grand

and end this freak show.

How am I supposed to

come up with 50 grand?

You're a smart kid.

You'll think of something.

Now, why don't you two boys run along

before we send our office manager

out for stamps.

And, Eric.

Get us that 50 grand within two weeks

or Hamilton and I are gonna start

a mass-mailing campaign.

(WHIRRING)

And let us know if there's any leakage.

There shouldn't be any, but let us know.

(SOFTLY) Leakage, very bad.

Toodeloo, boys.

Calm down.

Stop, man, we need to figure this out.

You done?

Come on.

What are we gonna do for the 50 grand?

What about your dad?

- No, Tyler. Not an option.

- Come on, he's your dad.

- Dude, he'll understand.

- Oh, yeah, you think so?

"Yeah, hey, Dad, it's me.

"I lost a bet on the golf course

and I owe some guy 50 grand.

"I'm not going to class any more

'cause I f***ed my teacher,

"and I lost my car. It got repossessed

because I spent all my money at Players.

"And, by the way, I have a set of tits.

Can you wire me 50 grand?"

- Are you out of your mind?

- We might need to wordsmith that a bit.

Yeah, you think?

How much can PAHR help?

If I had 50 grand,

I would've dropped out a long time ago.

So, what are we gonna do?

Best ball.

You mean it? You're back?

I put everything I had into

PAHR's new advertising campaign

featuring you, all right?

You can't do it like this.

But hey, this time it's gonna be different.

All right?

No partying, no drinking, no sex. All right?

Nothing but practise and sleep. Understand?

Yeah, no, totally. Yeah.

Where am I gonna go party with these?

Yes, for sure.

Whatever you say. You're the boss.

Okay, we need opponents, fast.

We gotta spread the word.

Take anything that comes our way.

- Think we can pull this off?

- Damn straight.

Hey, listen, Tyler...

Yeah, yeah. Don't get all queery-bit on me,

Barbie. All right?

Come on, let's go win some money.

MAN:
So, what's the stakes?

What are we playing for?

- Five thousand.

- Five thousand's good.

- Sound good?

- Sounds good.

What's the matter?

You got the shanks now?

My bad. I must've slipped.

Don't worry about it. All right?

Just don't do it again.

- All right.

- All right.

What's the deal, man?

Get your head in the game.

It's not my head, it's this jacket.

Then take it off.

Seriously, it's 1,000 degrees out here.

- You're probably lactating under there.

- Give me a few strokes. I'll get it.

- I'll get it.

- All right.

That's it, all right? Take it off, now.

- Dude, take it off.

- F***, dude!

- What the f***, man?

- My rules! My rules, remember? My rules.

- Take it off.

- All right.

Jesus f***ing Christ.

Thank you.

What the hell is that?

What? Are we here to play golf

or stare at my friend's deformity?

That's sick. I'm not playing

with no freak show, that's for sure.

Fine. Then just give us the money

and be on your way.

Don't worry, Dan. We can handle these two.

All right, fine. Fine, all right.

- What's your problem?

- Is it wrong I wanna touch them?

(BOTH GROANING)

Hey.

(GROANS)

You have got to loosen up.

They're out now and there's nothing

you can do about it, all right?

So just get it out of your mind and just play.

(EXHALES)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

F***!

Maybe we should take the day off, man.

Give your mind some time to wrap around...

That isn't the problem.

They're flopping all over the place!

TYLER:
He'll be here soon, all right?

ERIC:
I can't believe

we're relying on this guy.

TYLER:
Just trust me, all right?

- Seriously, dude. I had no idea.

- Whatever, man. You're dead to me.

(STUTTERS) I didn't know.

Hey.

- I can't wear this, it's pink.

- But it's Nike. "Just do it."

(EXCLAIMS)

- Make sure nobody sees me.

- I got you, don't worry.

You guys want to turn around?

Give the man some privacy.

You can reach over and hold each other

if you want, but that's about it, all right?

- You all right?

- Yeah, I got it.

Turn around! I'm serious.

- How does that feel?

- It's tight.

Look, we can take care of that, all right?

For now, grip it and rip it.

All right. (EXHALING)

(TYLER EXCLAIMS)

- He's back, baby. How did that feel?

- Good. Real good.

TYLER:
You boys are in trouble now.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

All right, cough it up. Let's go.

It's okay, don't be bummed out.

Losing makes you stronger.

- Here.

- Thanks.

You boys ready to play some golf or what?

You can play with these if you want.

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