Holidays Page #4

Yeah, I heard of Hershey.

Hersheys is what my grandmother

used to say, is for ladies.

I added this part.

Discount stuff is for whores.

Whores!

What is wrong with this girl?

Some cam a**hole called her

a whore and then signed off.

They're supposed

to type dirty sh*t.

That's why they give us

their money.

Okay, well nobody's giving us

their money tonight.

Yeah, so why don't

you give us the night off

so we can cheer Serena up

and celebrate Halloween?

Okay.

Oh no, wait. Wait.

I meant to say, f*** no.

Don't be a dick, Ian.

No, f*** you, Holly.

I'm sick of your sh*t.

I'm sick of

all of your shits, okay?

I just got off the phone

with two...

Two. Count 'em.

Two cam girls.

Oh, yeah. They want to come to

Hollywood, and work for me.

So, a.B.C.

Ian's rules

(1) Abc - always be caming

always be camming, b*tches.

'Cause the next

generation's coming,

and they're going

to replace you.

Just like you replaced

the whores before you.

Stop saying "whores"!

No! I'll say "whores"

if I want to say "whores"!

I'll say "whores" if I want.

Now you got me irritated.

And since it's such

a slow night,

why don't I put

one of you sluts to work?

Hmm, how does that sound?

So who's it going to be?

One of you girls is going

to show me your p*ssy.

No.

We're not girls, Ian.

We're women.

I was a girl when I got here,

but after working for you

for eight f***ing months,

now I'm sad to say, I'm a woman.

I'm the oldest

18-year old woman I know.

All because I made

a big mistake in coming here.

But you know what?

The more I think about it,

the more I realize

I'm not the only one that

made the mistake, Ian.

You made a big mistake.

Wanna know why?

Because you put three women

in a room together.

Do you know what three

women in a room together

used to be called?

A coven.

You got that?

Witches.

And the power of witches

is always strongest in threes.

- You f***.

Oh.

Witches, now?

Witches. Okay.

Well, which witch is going

to ride this broomstick?

Yeah.

- This one.

- No.

- Yes.

- No!

Yes!

No! I don't wanna!

Well, you're gonna!

Oh. What the f***?

Ow!

Oh, you f***ing b*tch.

The f*** is this sh*t?

Ow!

What the f*** is this?

What the f***?

What the f***?

What the f***.

- What the f***.

What the f***.

You feel that, Ian? We stuck

a vibrator up your ass.

And super-glued your a**hole shut.

And hooked the vibrator up

to a car battery.

What the f***?

Smelly work,

but it was worth it!

So we can do this...

Ow.

If you try pull it out again

what the f***!

We'll crank it up higher.

Like this...

Okay! Okay! Okay!

Now...

Ah.

What the f*** do you want?

Show us your p*ssy.

What? What the f***!

Show us your p*ssy now!

Oh, f***, okay, okay!

Okay!

There!

You made your point,

take your f***ing pictures!

Show us your p*ssy, Ian.

What the f***?

I don't have a p*ssy!

I don't have a p*ssy!

So make one.

Are you f***ing b*tches

f***ed in the head?

What the f*** is wrong with you?

This is f***ing insane!

Do it bb. Show us your p*ssy

or we turn it up!

You've been at a 1.

This is a 2.

F*** you!

F*** you! F*** you!

F*** you!

Okay, Ian - that was just a 2.

Of a possible 10.

So, y'know...

Show us your p*ssy, Ian.

Please don't make me do this.

Please.

Use the knife.

I'll pay you.

I'll f***ing pay you, please!

Oh, f***, okay, okay!

Then show us your p*ssy!!!

Okay.

Do it or die, Ian.

What the f***.

What the f***.

This is f***ed up.

This is f***ed!

Goooooooooooooooooooood!!!

Now....

Make it hollow, Ian.

F*** you.

Lol

f*** you!

F*** you, b*tches!

Lol

what the f***

are you crying about?

Look at all that blood.

This is getting boring.

What happens if we turn

this sh*t up to ten?

...That.

Hi. Is Ian here?

He flew me out

from Maine to work.

Uh, I'm Nancy.

Uh. Hello, Nancy. Welcome.

Uh, you're joining us during a period

of transition for the company.

As of today, we're actually

under new management.

Oh. Well, what happened

to Ian?

Unfortunately, Ian is no longer with

the company, due to, uh, cutbacks.

Halloween wishes

happy Halloween

written and directed by

Kevin Smith

uvu

your imagination come to life!

Uvu shows you you!

- Here you go.

- Thank you.

Your kids are going

to love that.

Yes, the kids are definitely

going to love it.

Yes, wait 'til you put it on

your head.

Well, I'll leave that...

I'll leave that to the kids.

All right. Hope they enjoy.

- Yup, thank you.

- Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Goodnight.

- Hi.

- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.

Oh, no, no, no, I called.

About the uvu.

That guy got the last one.

What? No. I called.

I'm Pete Gunderson.

I said I was coming.

First come, first served.

- But you... -Sorry, pal.

Holidays are hell.

F***.

Yeah, honey.

Got the last one.

- Okay, I'll be home in 15.

- Excuse me.

- I love you. Bye.

- Excuse me, sir? Hi.

Um, look, I'll, I'll...

I'll give you $300 for it.

Yeah, not a chance, pal.

Try Ebay.

Wait, wait, wait!

Please, please.

I'll, I'll, I'll give you,

I'll give you 500.

Please, it's Christmas Eve.

I'm out of time.

Yeah well, listen, if it was

really that important,

you would have

gotten here earlier.

Merry Christmas.

F***! Oh, f***!

Sara did you get it???

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, um...

I'll call...

Sara

please tell me you got it???

Sorry.

I finally had it, and I told

ed he was full of sh*t.

I mean, I deserve that Christmas

bonus a hell of a lot more

than that do-nothing,

kiss-ass nephew of his.

I swear I could kill him.

Scrooge.

What?

Have you not been

listening to me?

Ed didn't give me the Christmas

bonus that we were counting on.

And with you making

less money now...

God. I'm at the end

of my rope.

How much was this thing anyway?

I hope you didn't overspend.

Stop.

- Come on.

No.

I still can't believe

you got it, dad!

So, you, uh,

you just watch stuff on them?

Yeah, it aggregates

your online identity

to figure out what to show you.

Congratulations, captain!

You're the first person

to walk on Mars.

You've got to try it, dad.

Am I going to see what you saw?

No, it's different for everyone.

- Thank you, daddy.

Thank you, daddy.

It's totally cool, right?

Right. Yeah. Totally.

Wow.

Um, is this the off button?

Please don't punish me, daddy.

I promise

I won't be naughty anymore.

Oh, god. Oh, my god.

Um, I'll call. I'll call.

I'll call.

Sorry.

What the f***?

Heart attack, huh?

Yeah. Probably would have made

it too, if he got help in time.

Hell of a Christmas gift

for his family.

F***ing Christmas.

I hear ya, bro.

...Okay. Bag him up.

We need the fridge space.

Happy holidays!

Hi! Um, it says on your

website that um, uh...

Less than one percent of users

may experience an, uh,

adverse reaction

when using the device?

And I was just, just wondering,

what type of adverse reactions

are users experiencing exactly?

Are you having trouble

with your device, sir?

Uh, troub... no...

No. I'm not, no...

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