Holy Flying Circus

1

This programme contains adult humour

and very strong language.

Shalam.

That's a bit controversial,

isn't it?

HE FARTS LOUDLY:

Holy (BLEEP) Circus.

MUSIC:
Theme from

Monty Python's Flying Circus:

"The Liberty Bell" by JP Sousa

HEAVENLY CHOIR:
Amen.

I'll sit over here.

Hello, Graham. Johnny.

Barry.

So what did you think?

Of the rough cut?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Loved it. I think it might be the

best thing we've done. Oh, easily.

By miles. Now I've spoken to Chris

who's head of North America

and we'd like to open it first

in the States.

Aw Terrific. Really terrific.

So what's the thinking?

The First Amendment guarantees

the right to freedom of speech.

Plus it's a melting pot, there's all

kinds of different religions

out there. And it's Hollywood.

And Chris reckons you're ready

to play with the big boys now.

Jolly good.

I love Americans.

Here in New York City Monty Python's

Life of Brian had its world premiere

and Americans have come

from far and wide to see it.

Not to watch the film,

but to protest against it.

I'm going to ask them why.

This film is disgusting.

Enough with the stereotypes.

It's not funny. How is this funny?

Life Of Brian is an evil film.

And Monty Python is an evil man.

I would like to say

it's morally repugnant.

And also, kill the blacks.

I agree with him.

Except the bit about killing black

people. Obviously, that's not cool.

That went well.

I knew it. Americans. Total idiots.

Waste of space. Wasn't all bad.

I got this lovely jacket.

Yes. Very nice. We won't have the

same problems here though, right?

Protests? Here?

Oh, no, I wouldn't think so no.

Because the Great British Public,

they aren't quick to judge

or completely close-minded?

Oh, no, sorry.

They ARE quick to judge

and massively closed-minded. Not

the queers. Apart from the queers.

Right, here are the press cuttings

and early box office breakdowns.

Listen to this. This is from Variety.

Rabbi Hecht says the film, quote,

'could result in violence'. Oh, yes.

Copycat crucifixions.

I hadn't thought of that.

That is a worry, isn't it? Cretin.

I mean, they've been out of favour

for two thousand years but suddenly

all the kids will be doing it.

"Hey, Johnny, want to come out

for a kick-about?"

"No, no, no. Me and Gary thought

we'd nail his brother to a tree."

I think the Rabbi meant violent

protest. As in violence against us.

Right. Well, that wasn't clear.

It sort of was. Wasn't.

Was. Wasn't.

Really was. Really wasn't.

He goes on to say the movie

was produced in Hell.

Oh, I love that.

Could we have a scene where we show

some Christians killing some babies?

Oh, yeah, funny.

That is funny. I like that.

Jesus having sex with Judas?

Good. Offensive. Put that in.

Maybe a scene where Jesus is on

the cross and gets quite turned on

and ejaculates over everyone?

Oh, that is sick.

That's... you've gone way too far.

That crosses a f***ing line.

Oh, crap!

So, while you're all

in the same room, gents,

I just need you to sign these

release forms for

distribution in France.

Oh, so we're getting

released in France? Yeah.

Have you seen French films?

It's all picnics and incest.

You can't shock that lot.

And what about here?

There's no need to worry.

Well, I wasn't going to worry

but now you've said there's no need

to worry I'm thinking I might worry.

You're not getting cold feet,

are you, Barry?

No, course not.

All I'm saying is,

you know, let's not project it

on to the side of Westminster Abbey

or start selling Life of Brian

Christmas crackers.

Have you seen Monty Python's

Life of Brian Christmas crackers?

Knock knock. Who's there? No-one.

We're all alone

in a godless universe.

ALL LAUGH:

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Christmas crackers.

Fun for all the family. As long

as you're not Christian, easily

offended or expecting good jokes.

Hee-hee-hee-hee!

So...

it's all going OK here so far?

Yes, there's been the odd article,

nothing too bad.

Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

If it wasn't going well,

if things got bad...

would you be OK?

Even if all the religious leaders

in the world denounce you,

I'll be there for you. Thank you.

Until we die. When I'll go to heaven

and you'll be in hell.

That's nice. Oh, I'm joking!

It's a joke.

It's not a very funny joke.

Terry would have found it funny.

Terry's got a terrific

sense of humour.

Can I have a cuddle?

Oh, of course you can.

Oh, God, gently love!

Sorry... (HIGH-PITCHED) Sorry!

I just came from Wildlife...

Shall we begin?

Right! Listen up. I'm in charge.

This is the office for

Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

Yes. Good. Well, listen up.

I know you were all expecting

to be working with Trevor

and I'm sure you were terribly

saddened by his sudden death

but I'm in charge now

and he's history. Moving on.

Point two. That was point one.

Point two. I don't care what you

think you were doing before.

You're not doing that now. You,

what did you think you were doing?

A chat show? Wrong!

Chat shows are bullshit.

I don't want to make a chat show.

People chatting? Uh-uh. Boring.

People talking? Now you're talking.

I'm not sure I follow.

I want this show to be about

where Britain's at today.

The Sixties were all free love,

anything goes.

The Seventies were

No Sex Please, We're British

and everything's a downer.

But we're about to

head in to a new decade.

What will the Britain of the

future be like? Will it be prim?

Or full of quim? Oh, dear God.

You, bring me a chair.

So, how are you going to do all that

on what will essentially be something

quite like a chat show? OK.

Random example.

We have a homeless guy. What?

Hear me out, big man.

We have a homeless guy

on the same show as the Queen.

Oh, right...Really?

No, it's just an example.

I'm showing you what's possible.

I'm reaching into your tiny mind

and opening the doors of the TARDIS.

It's a police box. Whoosh!

No it's not, it's Narnia. You!

I want you to build me a set

that looks like I've dropped acid

in Hawaii. Oh yeah.

I'm out there. It'll be like

when Dylan went electric.

That's what's happening, so

boo me, beardy, or get on board.

Sorry, who are you?

Well, I'm Alan Dick.

I'm the new BBC Head of Talk. So...

I'm confused. It's my first day.

Do I answer to you, or do I work

for the producer, Iain Johnstone?

You answer to me. Oh.

Oh. Brilliant. Isn't it?

All these 'orrible bags...I dunno.

Oh!

This is a bit of script

from Life of Brian.

This looks like

it might be quite offensive.

I should pass this on to someone who

might find it even more offensive.

All right, Desmond. The usual, is it?

Yes, please, Keith.

And a pint of mild, thanks.

ARSE, BALLS, PRICK, SH*T!

No problem.

There's your pint of lager.

Keep the change. Cheers. Grand.

Sam tells me you've got news

on the Life of Brian.

Prepare to be blown away...

I'M NOT QUEER!

Where did you get hold of this?

A man found out it

out walking his dog.

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