Holy Flying Circus Page #2

You didn't steal it did you?

No. A man really did find it while

out walking his dog. WANKER!

Is it real? I DID IT WITH STENCILS!

I didn't.

I've got a friend who is a comedy

writer and a committed Christian.

Really? It's odd, isn't it?

Anyway I'll show him this and if

he can verify it's 100% genuine

we can get the ball rolling. BALLS!

Sorry.

Well, I suppose congratulations are

in order. Well done, Desmond.

Cheers.

SCROTUMS! Cheers! BANJO F***ER!

The bad language.

Is it, is it...are you...?

The doctor suggested

seeing a therapist.

A bit American, isn't it?

YANK ME! It is a bit. Of course,

the irony is a few hundred years ago

someone like me would probably

have someone like you burnt at the

stake for being possessed by demons.

That's not very nice.

BELL-END!

What about this?

We get Harold Wilson.

Harold Wilson

the former Prime Minister?

OK. I can work with that.

Yeah. Harold Wilson.

And a bin man.

Ask them the same question -

why is this country such a mess?

But the bin men are on strike?

You're right.

Sh*t idea. F*** it, bin it... it's

gone, it's history. Moving on.

You! Any ideas? Too slow. Forget it.

Yes? I didn't say anything.

What about Life of Brian?

Did you see that news report

about the US opening? Ah, yes,

now, good, because Iain suggested...

OK, for the UK premiere

we get the Pythons versus...

the Pope.

The Pope? The actual Pope?

Try the Pope. Aim high.

Start there and work your way down.

How about bishops?

Bishops. Fantastic. I love bishops.

I can just imagine it.

What have the Christians

ever given us? Well...

a moral code, charity, good works,

inspiration, counter-veiling,

an oppositional force

against the evils of capitalism.

Yeah, apart from that, what

have the Christians ever given us?

Christian names? Very useful.

Yeah, obviously Christian names.

Apart from that, what have

the Christian ever given us?

Hot cross buns?

Yes, I can see it now.

It'll be like one of their sketches.

Hilarious.

Do you want it to be funny? Or do

you want it to be a proper debate?

I want it to be a proper debate.

That is also funny. And moving.

And edgy.

And I want it to win a BAFTA.

I see. I'm serious. This could be

the greatest TV show ever made.

Who else have you got for that night?

Paul Jones and Norris McWhirter.

Maybe not.

So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

Now you've had a letter off the

BBC asking if you want go on

Friday Night, Saturday Morning

to do a debate on Brian

with some religious types.

Is there any money in it? No. Oh.

I don't want to do anything

for the BBC any more.

I got so bored and fed up on

Flying Circus of them wanting us

to rework our scripts.

Telling us we could only

have three shits or a bugger.

Ridiculous rule.

Who came up with that, anyway?

That was the BBC's

Head of Rude Words.

Lovely chap.

Used to get terribly

embarrassed though.

So, this is the list of

words the sample group

said they found the most offensive.

C*nt.

So sorry.

Motherf***er. Is that two words?

I think it's just the one. Right.

Then comes 'f***'.

Good old f***.

Ahem. No? Sorry.

Moving on. Cocksucker.

Sh*t. We are now over the worst.

Bastard.

Tits.

Winky woo. Maybe you could

just give me the list? Good idea.

I could have done that in the first

place. Saved this whole...

scene.

So do we have a decision on the

show? What do you think? Fine by me.

I'm happy to plug the film.

No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.

Why? Because. Because what?

No. Do you

want to elaborate on that position?

We don't need to explain ourselves.

It's all in the film.

I've got to tell them something,

I know you've got to do

your little vote thing

so shall we just skip to that?

All those in favour of boycotting

say, "F*** Auntie Beeb!". F...

Right.

We're all on Mike's side, are we?

ALL:
Yes. Why?

Because he is

The Nicest Man In The World?

Pretty much. Yup.

Do you want to change your

mind, John? No. All right,

so you're not unanimous, are you?

No.

And we have to be unanimous.

Thus, I win.

Does that make you happy, love? No.

OK, I've had it verified.

It's as real as the Turin Shroud.

That is b-b-b-b...

BOLLOCKS! Brilliant? Yes, I know!

And if this is the route that

Python are taking, then who knows

what else could be in the film?

TITS!

Probably. Now.

I've given it some thought.

And what we don't want is

to give them free publicity

or turn them into martyrs. So

I'm suggesting a back-door approach.

GAYLORD! W-w-w-w-w...

What's the plan? Well, we lobby

the BBFC and urge them

to think of the consequences of

allowing the film to be shown.

Oh, you know w-w-what else

we could do?

W-W-W-We could ask people to pray,

You know, just let God sort it out.

Yes. Could do.

Let's not rely on that though.

OK, everyone. Let's get out there

and spread the word. MARMITE!

They turn the crucifixion

into a song-and-dance number.

They ridicule the Sermon on the

Mount. You see Jesus's willy.

Apparently, if you watch

the film backwards it implies

Jesus made the healthy sick

and went round blinding people.

I heard they burn a puppy in the

belly of a giant wicker kitten.

Why? Exactly.

That's f***ed up.

But what if we have

over-stepped the mark? Hey, come on.

We all knew Mary Whitehouse and

the Festival of Light weren't going

to like it. You worry too much.

I can't help it. I do. Why is that?

Why do you worry about what other

people think? Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're

the Nicest Man in the World.

That's ridiculous. Excuse me, miss.

You dropped this. Thank you.

John just likes saying that

as a dig.

You see? What? Morning, Bill.

Get yourself some lunch.

You're constantly doing nice things.

I really don't think that's true.

You're also self-deprecating

about it.

I'm no more self-deprecating

than the next man.

You're even self-deprecating

about being self-deprecating.

Oh, great! What?

I've trodden in some dog poop.

Oh, Terry, I'm sorry,

that was probably my fault

for distracting you. Have a tissue.

It hasn't even come out yet.

Sells papers.

It's hardly fair reporting, is it?

I'm not in the business of

fair reporting, I'm in the

business of selling papers.

I notice you haven't

made fun of the Muslims.

Why would we make fun

of the Muslims? Why not?

Are you afraid of them?

It's 1979. No-one in this

country knows anything about Islam.

No-one's read the Koran.

Have you read the Koran? Yes.

Have you? No. No.

And do you know why?

Doesn't sell papers.

Because this is a Christian country

with a Christian heritage.

And we are brought up

within a Christian framework.

OK. Imagine it's the future and

there are two and a half million

Muslims living in Britain.

Would you make a film

about them then?

No! That would still only be

four percent of the population.

Assuming, of course, the population

had risen to, let's say,

61 million.

And I would still doubt, given

the general decline in standards

of education that your average

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes