Holy Flying Circus Page #3

Briton would have read the Koran.

That's just a cop out. No it isn't.

Christianity stands as a metaphor

for all organised religions

and the abuse they're open to.

You're just scared of reprisals.

Scared of reprisals? Scared of...

Hello. John Cleese here.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to point out that this

a fictional representation of me

based loosely

on my Basil Fawlty persona.

Oh, please, Mr Fawlty!

You breaking my head!

In real life, I'm a lovely man.

Oh, a dolly,

thank you, that is so nice.

So there you have it.

Just to reiterate, John Cleese...

in real life,

absolutely tremendous chap.

Thanks for listening.

KITTEN MEWS:

Yes, I'm very well.

Hang on a moment, please.

Miiiichaaaael!

Miiiichaaaael!

It's your mum for you.

Hello, Mum!

"Michael, have you seen the news?"

"About all these protests?" Yes,

Mum. "I'm really worried, Michael.

"I'm worried sick.

I can't tell you how worried I am.

"It's so worrying."

DOORBELL:

"Oh, that's the door,

I've got to go."

HANGS UP:

Bye then, Mum.

I want the Pythons! We've asked them

already and they said no.

Oh, all right, so what?

We just give up?

No. This is Friday Night,

Saturday Morning.

I'm not here to make bland TV,

I want to make something memorable.

I want people to come in to work

the next day and talk about the show

as they stand around the...

water jug.

I want a water jug moment.

I'm creating water jug television.

What? What if people don't have a

water jug? And the next day

is a Saturday.

Most people don't work Saturdays.

Shut up! I want the Pythons,

so get me the bloody Pythons.

Barbara Dixon is available.

The Two Ronnies

don't need her this week.

Good.

Barbara Dixon is the closest thing

this country has to a true star.

And she's totty.

Very classy totty.

So Barry here has asked me

to outline a defence

if a religious group

tries to get the film banned

for being blasphemous.

But before I do that...

can I just say,

Huge fan.

Moving on,

the basis of the case we would make

in that eventuality is that

Brian and Jesus

are two different people

and that Jesus appears as

a separate character in the film.

So that's a robust defence, is it?

You're confident that will work? No.

It's a bit of a punt, to be honest,

But let's hope it works!

I don't want to be the man

who sent the Pythons to prison!

Right. Yes. And that's it, is it?

Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

Say a prayer? Afraid so.

And I hate to say this...

because I am a fan...but you did

sort of bring this on yourselves.

I beg your pardon?

Well, the blasphemy laws remained

unused for about 60 years.

But about two years ago

a poem was published in Gay News...

which I believe Graham here

was instrumental in setting up.

Well, I am gay. I like news. And

it's very good for film reviews.

F*** the film reviews,

what was the poem about?

It was a poem about a Roman soldier

sticking things into Jesus's

stigmata while he was on the cross

and becoming aroused by that. What?

Who the f*** would write a poem

about a soldier sticking his knob

in a crucified man's spear wounds?

I've had an idea for a poem.

Is it about wound f***ing?

Yeah. Sounds good. I'm writing a

novel about a dysfunctional family

in a Northern mining town. Really?

No, I'm kidding. It's actually

about a really hot guy who likes

to jizz over guys in a burns unit.

Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.

It's actually very moving.

Mary Whitehouse

didn't like the poem. No sh*t.

And the upshot was

she prosecuted Gay News.

And that reactivated

the blasphemy laws.

And you lot knew about this?

Oh, yes, they contributed to

the Gay News fighting fund -

which is a principled stand

I really admired.

Big fan of that.

Although, wearing my QC's hat,

or wig,

I would say it was unhelpful.

Or, to put it in the words of my

nine-year-old grandson, 'Jo-ey!'.

No.

I thought that would be quite funny.

Whoa, epic fail.

Dear BBC,

the Joey Deacon reference

in Holy Flying Circus

is inexcusable.

The story is set in 1979

and Mr Deacon did not appear on

Blue Peter until 1981

therefore, a nine-year-old

would be unlikely to be aware

of his existence

unless you're implying he was a

relative or neighbour WHICH I DOUBT.

Also, the sub-Python

self-referential

quasi-avant garde

posturing bullshit sucks arse.

Big...hairy...nana...arse.

Come in!

Yeah, I want a three-part series

about canals.

a documentary about Scandinavian jazz

and some old footage of a barge.

That's all we'll be showing

for the next six months.

We've had a complaint.

Oh...oh...

Do you know what I like

about BBC Four?

Nobody gives a f***.

D'you like to dance, Lowry?

Dance for me, Lowry.

HEAVY HIP-HOP

Come on!

Hi, you're here about Life of Brian?

Yes. Yes. Barry Atkins.

I'm representing the film.

Andrew Thorogood.

I'm here protesting about the film.

Oh. This is John.

Yes, I know who he is.

I'm Michael. I know who you are.

So. Should we duke it out

right here?

I don't like conflict.

Just here to register our feelings.

So, what's the damage, Jim?

We're giving it a double A.

A double A?! On what grounds?

In what way is that film

suitable for a 14-year-old?

There's no sex...

There are buttocks.

There's no violence.

People are crucified.

And there's no C word.

What about the B word?

Bastard or bugger? Blasphemy.

This could undermine

a 14-year-old's faith

in Christianity.

In our view, it's just a bunch of

silly jokes. Very good ones, though.

Thanks very much.

Good? Bloody brilliant.

I see. In that case, I shall

have to take this up

with a higher authority.

Who's that then, God?

No. The council.

Could you sign these for me?

Certainly. It would be a pleasure.

What did he mean about the council?

The BBFC is only advisory.

Local councils can have the final

say over what films are shown.

And they can reclassify films

if they don't like our rating.

You're kidding? I kid you not.

Right, OK.

The BBFC have given it a double A.

Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

SHITBUCKET!

Sh-Shame. So, what now?

We write to local councils

asking them to ban Life of Brian.

DAN-DAN-DAAAN!

Or reclassify it as an X. ECZEMA!

Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B...

B-B-B-B-B...

Maybe if they think it's OK,

m-m-maybe it is OK.

They make fun of the Lord and

you think that's OK, do you, Gareth?

N-n-n-n... Good. That's

the end of the discussion.

Yes, b-b-b-b...

That's quite all right.

No need to apologise.

C*NT!

Some councils are definitely

going to ask for an X certificate.

So my question to you all is this -

are you happy to take

an X certificate

and at least get the film seen

by some people? ALL: No.

They show it with

the BBFC certificate

or they don't get to show it at all.

We can't give in to censorship.

So you'd rather censor yourselves?

Yes. It's half logical, half silly.

Out of interest, how much revenue

will we lose? Fifty percent?

Maybe more.

All those in favour of

refusing the X certificate say

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