Holy Flying Circus Page #4

Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

ALL:
Eric is a money-grabbing

bastard.

Eric is a money-grabbing bastard.

All right. I'll let Doug know.

I know various churches are writing

to their members to ask them to put

pressure on councils for a boycott.

Let's just hope our politicians to

do the right thing and don't act

out of cowardly self-interest.

Soldiers of Christ, arise

FRONT BOTTOM!

And put your armour on

..His eternal son

Strong in the Lord of hosts

And in his mighty power...

P-P-P-Power...

SINGING FIZZLES OU Oh, sh*t.

Hello.

I thought you didn't like conflict.

We are merely peacefully protesting.

Exercising our right to free speech.

Right. Thank you so much. Piss off.

DOORBELL:

You expecting anyone?

No.

Hello. Can I talk to you

about Life of Brian?

Yes, but can I talk to YOU

about Life of Brian?

Great...What? No, never mind.

We'd like you to sign our petition

to help get Life of Brian banned.

I don't think it should be banned.

We believe it's evil and

should be banned. Would you

like to come in and discuss it?

No! Nothing to discuss, it's

blasphemous and it should be banned.

Can you sign our petition?

Can you explain to me

why it should be banned?

Look, you're wasting my time.

I have other people to talk to

who want to sign my petition.

Don't you think

it's worth talking over?

Maybe you can persuade me to sign?

Maybe I'll persuade you

why people shouldn't sign?

Are you trying to brainwash me?

No, I just want to have

a conversation with you.

There's no conversation to be had.

Do you want to sign my petition? No.

Why not? I'm not convinced the

film should be banned. Why not?

Did you write it? Er, yes.

Oh, I see.

You're one of them.

It's not Invasion of the

Bodysnatchers. Deny it if you can -

you're one of them.

Why would I deny it? I just told you.

You can't. You can't deny it.

I don't want to deny it! You see!

I do see, because I told you.

You're one of them.

God, are we still on this?

Yes, I am one of them.

So will you sign

my petition or not?

No. Why not? Oh...

We want to have a debate

about the Life of Brian.

Well, that sounds tremendous.

And we wondered if you, the

People's Church of St Sophia,

would like to come on the show?

Us?

On the show?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not? Well, I can't.

I don't like conflict.

What about you two?

N-N-N-N-N-N...

That's a no. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y

Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y...

That's a yes. As in yes, it's a no.

He has a stammer.

And you, Desmond?

Would you like to come on the show?

Come on! Speak up!

I had no idea he was going to say

that. Really, I had no idea.

I've had that Friday Night,

Saturday Morning on the phone again.

Want to know

if you've changed your minds.

The exact words were

"being as it's all gone tits up".

No, there's no point. Everyone's

mind up their minds already.

You can't persuade anyone.

I think we should.

You said no before!

No, I didn't. Yes, you did!

No, I didn't. Well, you said yes.

So, I've changed my mind.

Oh, so you're just being contrary.

No, I'm not.

I'm really not.

I think we can persuade people.

We are intelligent men.

Well, you might struggle

with your flabby Oxford minds.

No danger of that with our sharper

Cambridge intellects.

And I, for one, think it's vital

we exercise our right to free speech

to defend free speech.

No. Everyone's entrenched.

It's utterly futile.

F***! We can't have spunked it.

There must be something we can do.

Try their agent again.

Not going to happen. All right.

We ring Ken, get the Nine o'clock

News to pump up the story

even bigger

so they have to defend themselves.

You can't do that.

Or we send them death threats.

That's not very nice. Someone

will do it. I'm sure they will.

All right we send them a sh*t in the

post. What? Something to rile

them... stir them into action.

No, I don't want to do that. Shh.

No, Ian said... Shh.

Don't tell me to... Shh.

But I...

SHHH!

And what did the police say?

They said, "Can you think of anyone

who might want to send you faeces?"

What did you say to that?

I said, "Yes. Jesus.

Anyone who likes Jesus.

"Businessmen, philosophers, upper

class twits, Australians, women,

TV presenters, Alan Whicker,

"The Beatles, Yorkshiremen,

anyone who works in the production

or marketing of Spam, men who say,

"'Nudge nudge', knights who say

Ni!' and anyone who doesn't

like jokes about ocelots.

"You know, Officer. The usual."

What did you actually say?

I said, "Have you tried Derek

'So Mad He Shits In A Box' McNee

at Number 24?"

What did you actually say?

I said no. Happy now?

I said, "No, I do not know anyone

who hates me enough to send

me poo in the post,

apart from the other Pythons.

What did they say?

They said,

"Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

"unless someone threatens you or

attacks you." Oh, for f***'s sake!

And they can't trace it?

No, to be fair to them it's

not like there was a trail of sh*t

leading out the door to a man

trying to do up his trousers.

And they can't do anything forensic?

No, each sh*t is not unique.

They're not fingerprints.

Some of them can be quite swirly.

Yes,

but we cannot identify people

from their sh*t.

Shits do not look like their owners.

Which is lucky, because

otherwise we'd have old ladies

standing round lavatories cooing,

"Ooh, it's the spit of you."

Hello, Barry. Have you heard

about Eric's sh*t in a box?

Oh, right, you've had one too?

Yeah, we've had some here.

Now while I've got you all here,

I've been told in the light

of the current situation,

I need to ask you all to make wills.

It's just sh*t, Barry.

I think the worst that can

happen is we go blind, isn't it?

Yeah, we've had death threats...

What? It's just jokes

for f***'s sake.

What happened to sticks and

stones may break my bones

but names can never hurt me?

I told you! What did I say!

The great British Public

are f***ing bastards.

It's a bit apocalyptic, isn't it?

A third part of the sea became blood

and people didst sh*t into a box

and threaten to kill thy comedy

performers for no good reason.

Look, do you want to back down?

We could withdraw the film like

Kubrick did with Clockwork Orange?

All right, don't answer that now.

Maybe just go away, have a think

about it, talk to your families.

All those in favour of maintaining

our zero-tolerance stance to

censorship say Mrs Niggerbaiter.

ALL:
Mrs Niggerbaiter.

You seem worried.

How can you tell? Well, you're

pacing, which you don't normally do.

And you're smoking,

which you don't normally do.

Well, I admit I am worried.

You can't take it personally.

How can I not take it personally?

They're burning an effigy of me

in my own garden.

They're just weird.

Close the window, darling.

It smells of burning you.

This is ridiculous.

How did this get so out of hand?

I think it's because you made that

film making fun of their religion.

Maybe I should go on Friday Night,

Saturday Morning? Would that help?

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