Holy Flying Circus Page #5

Don't ask me, darling,

I'm just a pretty face.

What if it just makes things worse?

Just fans the flames?

Sorry! We set fire to your tree.

Oh, for God's sake.

Can I just say...

it's been a tremendous honour

for me to help prepare your wills.

As well as getting your signatures,

I was wondering if I could also

get your autographs?

Wrong time?

Wrong time. Sorry.

Terry says

you've had to make a will.

It's just a precaution, Mum,

it's nothing to worry about.

No. Why would I worry about my

son making fun of religion and

being murdered by a fanatic?

No, I won't be losing any sleep

over that one. Perfectly normal.

My friend Elaine...

her son's just been stabbed

for pulling a face at a Buddhist.

Happens all the time.

Honestly, mum. They've just

done it to cover themselves.

Besides, if the protestors wanted to

kill anyone it would probably

be John. He's the annoying one.

Did you make a proper will?

Or have you promised to leave

all your money to a penguin?

And a rickshaw to a Spaniard?

No, it's a proper will.

So it is a proper will.

So I should be worried.

What are you trying to do, Michael?

Are you willy waving at Jesus?

Sh! Mum, we're in a restaurant.

Why make fun of religion?

We're not. And even if we were...

is that so bad?

Look how much you're upsetting

people. You might think they're

stupid people. Or priggish people.

But they're real people.

Why are their thoughts and

feelings less important than yours?

Well, why are my feelings less

important than theirs?

Oh...

SHE TUTS:

I just don't understand why

you're doing this, Michael.

I want to understand.

I just don't.

MUSIC:
"Death of a Clown"

by The Kinks

I've changed my mind

about the debate.

I think we should do it. Why?

Because this is getting out of hand.

We've got an orchestrated

campaign against us. We've been

banned by 39 local councils.

We're only opening in one cinema.

People who work for us

are getting death threats

and there are people outside right

now praying that we withdraw

the film and renounce our sins.

Renounce your sins! Go away!

You're sinister and intimidating!

ALL:
We are not sinister

or intimidating!

We are merely following you

and watching you.

Like the Lord is watching you.

Always and forever.

I'M SPARTACUS!

WANKER!

We've got to stick up for ourselves.

If we don't stand up for ourselves

who's going to stand up for all the

other comedians who come after us?

We need to take a stand to allow

funny men and women everywhere to

make jokes about murder and rape and

projectile vomiting and handicapped

kiddies and Mohammed in a bear suit

and I don't know, Olympic swimmers

with faces like spoons.

Mike's got a point.

I agree. You should do it.

No. No way. Not at all, I'm out.

Please, John. I know you love

being contrary. No I don't.

But on this, can't you see? It's

them we should be disagreeing with,

not each other.

I think you should do it.

You and John.

And why us, pray tell?

Because you're good

at shouting at people

and being enormously sarcastic.

And Mike's the nicest man in the

world. You're the perfect team.

I can't do it, because

Christians and homosexuals can't be

in the same room together.

We're their natural predators.

Terry G can't do it

because he's American

and I think deep down

none of us like or trust Americans.

No offence, Terry.

Screw you, ass-monkey. Terry J

can't do it because he'll just

prattle on about the camera angles.

And Eric won't do it because

they won't pay him. Exactly.

So you two have to do it. All those

in favour say Christ on a gondola.

ALL:
Christ on a gondola.

Come on, John.

You can shout at a man in a dress.

It'll be like doing the show again.

I thought you said

there was no point,

that everyone

had made up their mind.

I spoke to my mum. She said she

doesn't understand why we've done it.

She wants to but she doesn't.

I think maybe there are other

people like that out there.

Is this about them, or about you and

your mum? Oh, please, John.

I'm asking nicely.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Fine. Fine,

no don't do it, I'll do it myself.

No, fine.

I can't let you have all the fun.

I'll do it.

Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

Oh, sorry love.

Was Terry there tonight?

Yes.

I like Terry.

He's my favourite.

John's coming round tomorrow.

Homework. For the debate.

Are you sure it's a good

idea to do that show?

Why?

Well, what if the

debate doesn't go ok?

What if it makes things worse?

Then we'll move to Mexico

and change our names.

I'll start a new life

as Miguel Palinez

and work as a guacamole inspector.

HE VOMITS:

Don't expect me to go with you.

Hey. I thought you said even if all

the religious leaders of the world

denounced me you'd stick by me.

I just don't want to see you

murdered by some religious maniac.

You put that away.

What? We've got the Pythons! Cleese

and Palin confirmed this morning!

YEEEEES! ONE-NIL! KEMPES!

Bloody brilliant!

Come here and give me a hug!

I don't want to give you a hug,

Alan. Come on, give me a hug!

So how did we do it?

I asked Iain. He knows them.

I told you that. Iain...? Iain.

Iain Johnstone.

Never heard of him.

So,...who's heard about Frank Bough?

HE SNIGGERS:

You know, sometimes I truly

despise this country.

The descent into yobbery

goes on unabated.

Do you know I just saw two teenagers

spitting in the street?

Do you think they know that's how TB

spreads? Of course they don't.

Do they care?

No.

I blame the Tories. Things would be

a lot different if the Lib Dems

were in power, that's for sure.

The Lib Dems? There's no such thing

as the Lib Dems.

Don't you mean the Liberals? Shh.

So I've been doing

a spot of homework.

Right. Crikey.

Someone's taking it all

very seriously.

Any idea who we're up against?

Funny you should ask that.

Not a clue. So who

are we gonna put 'em up against?

Well, I still think we can

still get a couple of bishops.

Two bishops? No. Way too dry.

About as dry as a dry roasted peanut

up a dead nun's noo-noo.

No, we need a comedy type person on.

You know there are comedy people

who are Christian. Really?

I know. Weird, isn't it?

What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

Malcolm Muggeridge?

The hard-drinking, chain-smoking,

womanising Malcolm Muggeridge?

Yeah. The hard-drinking,

chain-smoking, womanising,

BORN-AGAIN Malcolm Muggeridge.

It says here he's famously contrary.

His maxim is, 'only dead fish

swim with the stream'.

Great. Whatever happens,

he'll be dynamite TV.

Are you sure you want

this guy on the show?

Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

HE FARTS:

Look. He used to do comedy.

Now he does religion.

And he likes to go on TV and say

sh*t he knows will wind people up.

He could only be better if he had

tits like Cleo Rocos and did

the splits like Nadia Comaneci.

But what if...

I'm ignoring that last bit...

what if he ends up siding with

the Pythons? According to this he

was in a similar situation once.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes