Holy Flying Circus Page #6

There was some big outcry

about an article he wrote.

What the hell were you thinking?

Have you read it?

I don't need to read it, Malcolm,

it's called, "Does England

Really Need A Queen?"

You might as well have called

it, "I Think It's Acceptable

To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

What the bloody hell were you

thinking, man? Fuss over nothing.

I said pretty much the same thing

in another piece about two years ago.

That's as maybe but no-one

complained about that one.

They are complaining about this one

because they find it offensive,

and quite rightly so.

How can it possibly be offensive?

It's only a thought.

I hear Beaverbrook's cancelling

your contract. Apparently.

I'm sorry to hear that, Malcolm,

but you've brought this on yourself.

We have to let you go.

It's the BBC, for God's sake,

we've got certain standards.

No hard feelings? Towards you?

Not at all.

Good. Come on.

I've shagged his wife.

Who? Marjorie?

No, Olivia.

That's MY wife.

Oh, then I've shagged YOUR wife.

Sorry about that.

Lovely woman though.

Makes a wonderful breakfast.

Maybe he'll side with the Pythons.

Maybe not. That's the beauty of it.

The guy's totally unpredictable.

He's a riddle wrapped in

a mystery inside a...sh*t.

Maybe he'll argue with the Pythons

AND the Bishop and we've got a

three-way fist fight. Love it.

Post me my Bafta.

OK. I'm the bishop.

Right. Why have you deliberately

set out to offend people of faith?

Well, Bishop, it wasn't our

intention to deliberately offend

Christians or to be blasphemous.

I totally disagree with that.

Sorry, is this you in character

or are you talking as you?

I'm talking as me.

Talk to Graham about it.

Ask him what he thinks.

He's not that keen on Christians

because they're not that keen

on homosexuals.

I don't think we intended to be

offensive just for the sake of it.

There's nothing wrong

with being offensive.

It's part of life.

If you get offended, so what?

In a way, it's a good thing.

It tells you

you're still alive at least.

Why can't I say things

to offend you?

Why can't I say

I don't like your hair?

Or your wife looks like a man

and makes f***ing awful soup.

What's the worst that can happen?

Hello, John. Oh, hello.

Didn't realise you were...

Cup of tea?

I can put the kettle on, although

I don't think it'll suit me.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Very good! Very good. Well done.

Most amusing. Tres amusant.

No, we're fine, thank you,

most kind of you to ask.

We're-We're-We're-We're fine.

Sure I can't I get you anything?

Glass of cordial? Spot of soup?

No, we're fine, thank you.

Although your soup

is always delightful.

Right. Where was I?

Being offensive. Being offensive,

thank you. What is the worst

that could happen?

You'll stop talking to me?

Heaven forfend!

What will probably happen?

You'll be upset for a bit

and then forget about it.

What's the best that can happen?

Maybe you'll think

"John's got a point.

"My wife does look like a man

"and her soup does taste f***ing

awful. Maybe I should leave her."

I've been able to keep

my marriage together thanks.

That's the spirit!

Besides, we haven't

been offensive, Mike.

People just like complaining.

The British love complaining.

Complaining about the weather,

complaining about the government,

the f***ing darkies, the f***ing

queers, Noel f***ing Edmonds

and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

When it comes to the British

you can't please any of the people

any of the time, and you know why

they like complaining so much?

Maybe because deep down they know

there is no f***ing God and it takes

their mind off the fact that their

lives are a pathetic sham that won't

amount to a hill of shitty beans.

Are you going to be like this

on the TV?

Yes, I am.

So what about our bishop?

He can't be too serious

but he can't be too flippant.

How will we find the best bishop?

Hmm, no.

No.

No.

Ooh, no.

Him. He's perfect.

Are you sure? Oh, yes.

He's absolutely mad.

You know what? We should just go

on this show and make fun of God.

Yes, that would be helpful.

What if the Christians

just attack us?

It's a rational argument.

It's a debate.

I think we go on the attack.

"Bishop. You work for an

organisation that is closely

associated with kiddie fiddling.

"Where do you stand on

the issue of child rape?

Good Christian behaviour?"

Yes, that's helpful, John, thanks.

Well, let's not take it

too seriously.

We could go on in fancy dress.

I could go on dressed as Christ.

You can go on dressed as Satan.

We both go on dressed as Mary.

Or babies wearing nappies.

Or apostles wearing nappies.

And bondage gear. You've got

to take this seriously, John.

There are people working for us

who have had death threats.

They're not important.

They're the little people.

They're expendable. What?

I'm joking.

It's not very funny.

I think it is. I don't think it is.

You've gone too far. No I haven't.

And even if I had,

you could pretend I hadn't.

You can ignore me.

Or you could stop being my friend.

God, you're difficult. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. Right. That's it.

Enough is enough.

It doesn't have to be like this.

I look inside you, Palin,

and all I see is weakness.

I look inside you and see hatred.

Give in to hatred.

Hating things is funny.

No, never. I'd rather be nice.

Sorry. No offence.

Stop being nice, you soppy bastard.

That's it, run away, run away from

the fight, you big chicken.

You all right, John?

Hang on, I'm coming. Got you!

Bloody BBC, they should

have had stunt men for this.

Who won? No idea.

You should have storyboarded it.

I did do a storyboard it but I left

it by the window and it blew away.

Well, maybe shut the f***ing window.

I know but it adds an interesting

visual texture to the room...

I'll just see you at TV Centre

tomorrow, shall I?

John, what are you going to say

on the show?

I'm going to talk about how

Fawlty Towers is much funnier than

Ripping Yarns. Seriously, John.

I'm going to be as offensive as

possible. This is important, John.

This isn't just the future

of comedy we're arguing for,

this is free speech.

I believe in free speech, Mike.

That's why I can't

let you censor me.

That's why I'm going to say

whatever the f*** I like.

Arse...Balls...Prick...

..Sh*t.

Thank you and good night.

Balls and bugger and shits and

tits and a whole lot of fanny...

How did it go with John today?

He thinks I'm taking it

all too seriously.

And are you? I don't know.

What's more important

than making fun of things?

If we're not allowed to make fun

of things that take themselves

too seriously, how do we

stop them from taking over the world?

What happens if the comedians

take themselves too seriously?

Comedians are allowed to

take themselves too seriously

because they're special

and better than everyone else.

Oh, really? Yes.

I can't think straight any more.

Come to bed.

You've done too much homework.

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