Holy Flying Circus Page #7

If you don't know why

comedians are better than

God now, you'll never know.

I should probably do

a bit more prep, love.

Fancy a bunk-up?

Yeah, go on then.

Do you ever think

that we're persecuting the Pythons?

No. They're persecuting us.

Thousands of films get made

every year.

So one happens to be a comedy

about religion.

Is that them focusing on us?

Or are we focusing on them?

WEIRDO!

Are you having a moment of doubt,

Doubting Desmond?

PATRONISING TIT! No. No.

Just, you know,

playing devil's advocate. PISS OFF!

Desmond, swearing...

Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

It's never deliberate, is it?

No. No. LIAR! No.

Good. Good.

Oh, not again.

WHIRRING:

You're not the nicest man in the

world, you're a very naughty boy.

AGH! Run for it! I'm running for it!

Oh, hello. You're awake. Um...

This is awkward. The thing is,

I really don't like conflict.

but you made fun of my

all-loving, all-forgiving God,

so I'm going to kill you.

Tent peg.

You're still dreaming.

And then Jesus popped up on a

piece of toast. And there was John...

dressed in a giant rabbit costume

saying, "You're still dreaming."

What does that mean? We've always

been quite close, haven't we? Yes.

Well, until this is all over,

just stay away from me.

I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

Yeah, you are. Please stop staring

at my penis. It's disturbing.

Probably shouldn't

have had that cheese.

Tonight on Friday Night,

Saturday Morning, Michael Palin

and John Cleese will

debate the film The Life of Brian

with...

You'll be all right. You're

quite good at public speaking.

Cup of tea. "We interrupt our

current programming...

I have faith in you.

Thanks, love.

"The film The Life of

Brian has just opened in London.

"I have not seen it and

I suppose I am unlikely to do so.

"However, members will have seen

the reviews and will be aware that

"there is a great deal of concern

throughout the country about it.

"For the immediate future

it will be up to Christian people

"and others who share this concern

to ensure that in this case

as in other cases

"where it seems that

a film has been made which

devalues humanity in their own areas

"the local viewing committee is

alerted to the need to see the film

before it is publicly shown and

"having done so, to take responsible

decisions as to whether and on what

conditions it should be shown.

"Be sober, be vigilant..."

because thy adversary the devil,

as a roaring lion, walketh about

seeking whom he may devour.

Very definitely at the beginning.

Three Wise Men arrive and...

I can rely on you, can't I, John?

John!

Sorry, miles away. Wondering

what to have for dinner.

What do you think? Fish?

God, you're a difficult bastard.

Mike, don't say that.

Doesn't suit you.

You're the Nicest Man in the World.

And you're the most disrespectful,

disagreeable, objectionable,

obnoxious and annoying man

in the world. That's right.

I fought very hard for that title.

Wasn't easy to wrest it away

from Michael Winner.

John, this is important.

Don't put so much pressure on

yourself. It's only a chat show.

It's not though, is it?

This is about the future of comedy.

It might even be about

the future of religion.

Well, I wish I believed we were

that important but I don't.

Well, if we're not, why are so

many people protesting against us?

This must be Harry.

Try to be nice. Of course.

Hi! Harry Balls.

Lovely to meet you, Harry!

Harry Balls! Jolly good!

Thanks

for agreeing to come on the show.

Who can resist Harry Balls?

Everyone wants to see Harry Balls.

I have a...

Can't think of anywhere we'd

rather be.

Tell me, will we be seeing Mr Dick?

Yes, he'll pop in. Will he?

Will he indeed?

I'll look forward to that.

Right, shall we...

Remind me, is Dick above Balls?

ALL:
Hey!

Look who's here.

The sacrificial lamb.

It's M-M-Monty Python!

FAMOUS! Don't be seduced.

So was Adolf Hitler

and Aleister Crowley.

Who? What? Michael, John

- Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

So, looking forward to

seeing who's going to win this one.

Tim!

This is your host for the evening.

Tim Rice. Hello, guys, hi. Thanks

so much for coming on the show.

Listen, obviously, my role

is to be impartial.

But I just want to say I know

exactly what you're going through.

When we did Jesus Christ Superstar

in 1971 it got accused of blasphemy.

Admittedly, I did

co-write it with Beelzebub.

Now, of course, it's the height of

respectability. I tell you what...

I wouldn't mind

having a hit musical.

That's got to be worth a few quid.

If only I had an idea for one.

Well, you could always do what we did

and lovingly rip off a story

that already exists.

So, John, will we be seeing

any Basil Fawlty tonight?

Actually, Tim, if you don't

mind, I'd rather you directed

most of the questions at Michael.

Oh, right, OK, yes, fine by me.

We're ready. See you in there.

Um...what?

Suddenly feel quite nervous

for some reason. What about me.

It's all right for you,

you draw confidence from your

spirituality, don't you?

Malcolm Muggeridge. Good evening,

good evening, hello, hello.

Wow. That is one

big motherfuckin' Bishop.

Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick,

Let me introduce you

to your opponents.

John, Michael, this is...a bishop.

Best of luck for the show.

Break a leg, as they say.

This is not the bishop I wanted.

Iain said he'd be better.

Who the f*** is Iain?

Are you expecting vampires?

Come on, Joan.

You'll have to be funnier than that.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You pompous arse.

I'll take that crucifix and

I'll garrotte you with it.

Lovely cassock, Bishop.

Very flattering.

Thank you, Joan. You're too kind.

Ready to go?

So remember. The key points are

we didn't kill Jesus.

That was the Jews. If you're

going to be angry with anyone...

blame the Jews. Plus the Monty

Python Scrapbook available now

in all good bookshops.

How do we look?

Good. Fine. Yup.

Sh*t scared.

We should probably be going...

OK, let's shake a leg, people.

Let's smash the arse off of it.

Cue titles.

"# Friday night, Saturday morning

"# By yesterday's dawn

there's a weekend dawning

"# Friday night,

Saturday morning at last...

You know, I find these opening

credits quite offensive.

Yes.

As a woman.

Yes. Yes, I knew what you meant.

This is all a bit heterosexual,

isn't it.

Yes, I rather like it.

Please welcome

one third of Monty Python,

Michael Palin and John Cleese.

Cracked. BBC cutbacks.

So why the name Brian?

It's one the funny names, isn't it?

Like Trevor or Kevin.

It's just funny. So you must

have known you were heading for

criticism and controversy.

A) because you were well known

B) because, to put it mildly,

the subject matter is

quite well known.

Yes but we...we wrote an awful lot

which was then just thrown away

because it was sort of

struggling too hard to be

controversial or...

Well, actually,

I don't know if I agree with that.

Because I don't think that we were

coming in with stuff about Christ.

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