Home Fries Page #3

Jezebel.

That's a good one.

Oddly enough, I dreamt

about her last night.

I couldn't see her clearly,

having no idea what she looks like.

But it was her.

I gathered that she was Caucasian.

An interesting observation,

because her body was black.

She had the body of

a huge, hairy, black ant.

A queen ant.

About as big as a bus, I would say.

Just a dream, but a disturbing one.

What did the big ant do, Mom?

I'd appreciate your using a Kleenex.

I raised you better than that.

I'm just scratching.

Damn it!

She shamed my family.

We'll find her, Mom.

Don't worry about it.

We'll take care of it.

What are we, the Mafia?

Not another one.

Now, this is a real bad idea.

I'm serious, Angus.

I can't stress that enough.

Big ants?

Big ants?

I really don't like it

when she talks like that.

It's disturbing, you know?

I hope she doesn't talk

like that around her friends.

That ain't going to get her

elected president of the DAR.

Yeah. Well, she's fine.

It's weird.

Remember that story about the woman

that bashed her husband's head in...

...with a frozen leg of lamb, cooked it

and served it to the detectives?

No evidence.

I mean, that's pretty creative.

But I think the perfect murder

would be something more pedestrian.

Something like a household accident.

Like a faulty gas stove or something.

When we find this woman,

we'll have to know what to do.

I'm guessing she doesn't have...

...a convenient heart condition

like Henry did.

What? No, listen!

No more, all right?

We can let Mom carry out

her own vendettas.

Maybe we're overthinking this thing.

Why don't we just find this woman,

pop her with a .22...

...and take her someplace

no one will find her?

This thing went through the grill hood

into this cement beam.

Morning, darling. I hope things

are better for you today.

They are.

Where'd you get that bullet?

Sweeping up the parking lot.

Reader's Digest.

"Drama in Real Life."

I need to pay for this sh*t.

It's a gift for your baby.

It's an AH-1 Cobra.

I fly them for the Air National Guard.

The Vietcong call them

the Muttering Death.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

If you press that button...

...the little missile will shoot off.

That's how it's designed.

And it's non-toxic.

I think.

You fly these?

The real ones. Me and my brother

are both helicopter pilots.

Y'all serving breakfast?

I want an Egg-Matic sandwich.

We're kind of weekend warriors

at this point...

Anybody home in there?

I'm sorry, sir.

We are not open yet.

We fly these at the base.

Maybe you could come out for a visit...

You ain't open? Since when?

I'm sorry, sir.

We are not open for 15 minutes.

I apologize.

Listen, Sally...

...about yesterday...

If you're in there, you're open!

Give me the manager.

I'm sorry about your dad.

I'm sorry about how I lost my temper.

And about the cops too.

And the gun.

My daddy doesn't exactly

bring out the best in people.

Especially once he's had a snootful.

But he thought you

handled yourself very well.

Girlie! Are you listening to me?

Get me the goddamn manager!

I better go get Billy.

If this place burns up,

we ain't got no jobs.

Hey in there!

I didn't mean for you to come out.

That young lady works

extremely hard in there...

...and I think she deserves

a great deal of respect.

And you're not showing

her respect, are you?

That makes you not welcome

at Burger-Matic.

I think you ought to leave.

Hold on, let me get out first.

Dorian?

Sally? Yes, ma'am?

I was just wondering,

have you ever heard of Lamaze?

You know, natural childbirth?

Yes, I have.

Down at the Y they have Lamaze classes.

They're every Tuesday night.

Starting tonight.

Only thing is...

...you need a partner

and I don't have a partner.

Think of a cervix opening up.

Very nice, Dawn.

Open.

Very nice.

Remember now, we're breathing

for our baby.

Breathing for our baby.

This must be the husband.

I'm just the partner here.

He's cute.

I need you to scoot in here.

Establish eye contact.

Breathing.

Good. Holding hands.

Hold both hands. There you go.

Eye contact here.

You're here to support your partner.

Nice.

Very nice.

Very nice...

...moms and dads!

We're going to make a little shift

in our positions now.

Moms, turn around with your back

to your partners.

Turn with your back to your partner.

Here we go, back to your partner.

Turn your backs.

Dads, wrap your legs around your...

Wrap your legs around your mom's body.

There you go!

Good, back into him.

Good. Lay back in.

Just let him cradle you there.

Very nice.

We're going to do the effleurage.

That's the gentle circular motion...

...the gentle massage

of the abdomen here.

Good breathing.

Just relax back here.

Just let that jaw relax.

Very nice.

Remember, a relaxed jaw

means an open vagina.

Very nice.

Breathing. Let's breathe.

Support our partners with breath.

Put your focus on your partner.

Gentle circular massage

of the abdomen...

...opening and relaxing the cervix

those last two centimeters...

...to allow the baby's head

to softly drop down.

Let's get to our feet.

Partners, help the moms up, please.

We're going to do that

junior high school slow dance.

So everyone up.

Slow dance.

Arms. There we go!

Moms, arms up.

And dads, you're going

to put your arms around...

Just a slow dance.

Think of slow dancing in junior high.

There we go.

You're going to support her.

Spread our legs out here

a little bit. Good.

Pant breathing.

That light, delicate...

Good. Legs shoulder-width apart.

Good. Didn't get pregnant

with those legs together.

That baby won't come

if your legs are together.

Open up and relax...

...and allow your cervix to open.

Pant, pant.

Excuse me.

Bless you.

Thanks.

You can just drop me off right here.

I'll take you up to the front door.

If that's okay.

I'll get that for you.

How come you never asked me

why I need a Lamaze partner...

...or about the father of my baby?

Yesterday I sort of got it was

a touchy subject, so I...

I know how I look to everybody.

But I feel like I was raised right...

...and I can't help the rest.

But I'll be a really good mother.

I know, Sally.

Sh*t!

I'm sorry.

Thanks. Thanks for coming.

I'm real sorry.

- Where the hell is he?

- I don't know.

I don't know where he is.

We're here for you, Bea.

Thanks, ma'am.

Thank you, sir.

What are you thinking?

What does this say?

- It says I'm late.

- What does that say?

It says I'm a half-hour late.

It says 8:
36, is what that says!

I'm very, very sorry.

What about how you ruined the night

for Mom? Feel bad about that?

Look at what you're wearing.

Why not just wear your damn

robot suit to the great big wake?

Come on! I mean...

Right! Good idea.

Good thinking!

God! Coach Adams.

You need a jacket.

The wake's almost over.

Nobody cares what I wear.

Mom cares. Mom cares.

This is her night.

Are you trying to ruin this for her?

Are you trying to make her look stupid,

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