Home Movie

"Home Movie"!

For "Home Movie" press one.

For "Happy Easter"

press two.

What are you doing?

For a terrible

"Thanksgiving," press three.

You're confusing our children.

For "Happy Kwanzaa," press five.

I don't think so.

Aha!

Mm-hmm, happy Halloween.

Mmm, fire.

Fire.

My children have been turned

into fire-breathing dragons.

It's your mother

and she's in a horrible mood

and a birthday cake for you.

You're so scary.

# Happy birthday-slash-Halloween,

Jack and Emily #

#Happy birthday-slash-Halloween to... #

Hmmm?

Oh, yes, make a wish.

- Make a wish.

- You guys ready?

Ready?

Blow out the candles.

They're not blowing out.

Oh, she got them.

Nope, they're still lit!

- Hey hey!

- Jack!

Fire, mmm...

Five four three two one.

Ready or not,

here we come!

I'm not wearing mine either.

I'll wear yours.

I'll wear yours.

- Which way does it go?

- Any way.

No, I'm not wearing it.

- Okay, I'm not wearing yours either.

- Here.

- Hey, come here.

- What are you doing?

Oh no, oh.

Good evening...

...and welcome to haunted

ghost house sightings of...

ghosts.

They're down here.

Oh!

Ah ha ha!

Honey, I think I know

where they are.

- Where?

- Hold the camera.

- Careful.

- Baby,

if I don't make it back, I just want

you to know how much I... whoa!

I'm all right... ouch!

Are you okay?

What is it?

Nothing but a fire-breathing dragon.

Grr.

Nice!

Okay, come on, guys.

- Game over. Mommy's tired.

- Where are they?

Aha! We found them!

Okay, guys, come on.

Turn off the flashlights.

Jack and Emily Poe.

Turn off the flashlights.

- It's not good for the camera.

- Listen to your mom, guys.

- Come on.

- Such cooperative children.

Turn off the flashlights

or I'll turn off the camera.

That's better.

Oh, you got me.

Oh, you got me.

Did you just bite me?

Bringing the heat on.

Nice!

Fake out!

Now batting...

Number 31...

Jack... Poe...

centerfielder,

the Connecticut Cormorant.

All right.

Come on, you can do it!

Nice!

Aw, come on, Jack!

Whoop... oh!

Into the woods.

- Holy cow.

- Oh, rats!

- Nice hit, son.

- That was good!

Good job, baby.

Oh. Little help, hon?

- What?

- Little help.

- What do you mean?

- A little help!

- You want me to get it?

- A little help.

- You get it.

- Little help.

- My God.

- A little help.

Do I have to do

everything around here?

I'm the pitcher.

My arm, my leg...

- they gotta relax and rest.

- Your arm? My arm.

- Come on, hon.

- I got it... okay.

Okay...

Yay. Oops,

got some woods here.

Hurry up, hon!

I think I found

some poison ivy.

Makes sense.

And I just saw

a jackal... that's good.

Poison ivy, more snakes

and a jackal.

I'm, like,

so glad we just moved

to the middle of nowhere.

Hey, Em!

Have you seen

your dad's ball?

Okay, well, um...

I'm gonna go look over here.

I thought you said

you didn't see it.

Listen, how about I shoot

your guys's clubhouse, huh?

That might be cool for you guys to look

back at when you're older, right?

"No parents allowed." Hmm.

Is that all parents

or is that just me and your dad?

Ah. Okay.

Well...

I'm gonna go

watch the game.

Do you want to come?

You can ride in the wagon.

Are you playing dead?

Again, right here.

It's going right there.

I love the zoom on this.

Zoom!

Oh, big swing and a miss.

The big fella...

notice the form though?

- Very nice.

- See that?

Make a smiley face.

Good job.

- I'll take that. I'll take that.

- Whoa!

High-five, put it there.

All right, thank you.

Come on, Em!

Give your dad a hand!

- Yeah!

- Home run.

Whoo!

Good, baby, good.

Watch this guy.

One more,

one more, one more.

- Whoop!

- What was that, a rock?

What?

What?

What's the matter?

- We're done.

- What happened?

- He's throwing rocks at me.

- What?!

#Du-duh! #

#Du-duh!

Du-duh! Du-duh! #

#Du-duh! Du-duh!

Du-duh! #

Today we're going to learn

about the ancient art of raking.

Raking was first discovered

by a Chinese mountain

task force in 1802.

My lovely assistant Jack Poe

is raking today because

he's being punished for throwing

a rock at his dad's head.

What you got, Jack?

A dead bug.

This is where we employ

the notorious garbage bag technique.

And there you have it, kids.

That's our lesson for today:

Dead things go in trash bags.

Love is in the air, can you feel it?

Hmmm? Yes?

Don't let me

keep you up. Okay.

It's Friday,

November 9th, 10:30 PM.

It's Clare and I's

10th wedding anniversary...

and I'm gonna go

attempt a most dangerous stunt.

But before I go,

in case I don't come back,

Jack, I want you to know

how much I love you.

And, Emily, I love you

very very much too.

So, um, well...

this stunt is most dangerous.

I wouldn't have anybody,

uh, attempt it

if you're amateur

or if you're faint of heart.

I'm gonna go try and jump

all 206 of my wife's bones.

Okay, bye. Wish me luck.

Oh... sh*t!

Great. Give me this.

Happy anniversary.

You better not have

the camera in here!

I don't have the camera in here.

What do you think I am, a pervert?

Yeah!

"'The Mask of Sanity,'

by Hervey M Cleckley."

Some people

have booze. My wife has books.

- Ah... come here.

- No!

- Cheese plate?

- That's a cheese plate?

- Yes, and that's a box of wine.

- I'm not drinking wine

- that comes out of a box.

- Kiss me, elitist.

I am not an elitist.

Come on, I just moved

our family here

to the middle

of the woods six months ago.

- I'm not an elitist.

- You're an elitist.

Kiss me, elitist.

Mmm, this cheese isn't bad.

- Are you seducing me?

- Huh-uh, I would never do such a thing.

Well, um, it's too bad for you.

I can't have sex right now

because I have a lot of work to do.

- You always have work to do.

- Yeah, so we have money to spend.

- Right.

- # Money to spend. #

Aw.

Isn't this how

the Paris Hilton video got started?

No, I think it was...

Oh, you... bastard!

Oh, where's my towel?!

Oh!

You are dead!

- You are so bad.

- Bad...

do you mean like

"bad good" or "bad bad"?

I mean like bad,

nasty, evil bad.

You're supposed to be

a pastor, you know.

Yeah, I'm Lutheran,

not a Catholic.

Well, I am a doctor,

not a whore.

Say happy anniversary

- to the camera, will you?

- No.

So we have something

to remember when we're old,

decrepit and farting

all over each other.

We're not gonna be farting

all over each other. That's disgusting!

We're gonna be farting

all over each other.

We're gonna die

in a conflagration of farts.

- Yeah, your farts.

- Somebody's gonna light a match

and we're gonna go...

Not my farts.

Come on, say happy anniversary

to the camera for posterity's sake.

Happy anniversary. And now

you can take the camera out of here

because it is supposed to be for my work

because I've spent a lot of money on it.

I thought it was supposed

to be soft-core porn?

No?

- I can't believe...

- I can't believe how sexy you are.

Take your clothes off.

I thought you'd never ask!

Get in here.

Is that the dog?

- Why does he always do this?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes