Home Movie Page #2

- Hegel, fermez la bouche.

David,

please, with the camera.

I feel like I'm on

"The Real World" or something.

"The Real World"?

Where's Emily?

Oh, isn't that

the most precious thing?

It's not precious. It's weird.

It's not weird...

the two of them in bed together?

They're getting too old for this.

It's the cutest thing

I've ever seen.

"The Story

of the Dragon and the Paper Bag,"

by Micky Powell.

"Once upon a time,

in a land far far away,

there lived the most hideous

two-headed dragon

in all of history.

And this dragon had

this dream of eating

all the boys

and all the girls in town.

In fact,

'twas more than a dream...

'twas a plan.

On Halloween next,

when all the boys and all the girls

wear their paper-bag masks

to school,

the dragon decided that he was going

to wear his own paper-bag mask.

And, thus disguised,

he set forth

for the schoolyard.

On the schoolyard,

the schoolkids were surprised

by the sight

of their new student.

'You're too tall,' they said.

'You have two heads,'

said another child.

'You can't be one of us.

You must be the dragon.'

'Trust me,'

the dragon answered,

'I'm one of you.'

'Oh, yeah?

Prove it,' they said.

'Take off your mask.'

The dragon knew that

that was something that he couldn't do.

'What I can do,' he said,

'is talk like you.

I can walk like you.

Shoot, I can even

dance like you.'

'Do it,' said the children.

And, indeed,

the dragon walked,

talked and danced just like

he was one of them.

And the children

were so convinced

that they invited him to sing

their songs with them.

They invited him

to play in their games.

And when the bell rang

for lunch,

they invited him

inside to eat with them.

'Thanks,' said the dragon,

'but I prefer to eat outside.'

'Outside? ' says the children.

'But whatever will you eat? '

The dragon responded, 'You.'

And with that,

the dragon took off

his paper-bag mask,

revealing

the two hideous heads.

The children

started to scream,

but their screams were soon swallowed

inside the dragon's stomach."

That was perhaps the most

vastly inappropriate

fairy tale I've ever heard.

Hon, it's an allegory

for, you know,

"Don't trust strangers."

Good night, Steven.

Good night, Lou.

Good night, Nikolai...

commie bastard.

Hello, my name

is Dr. Clare Poe.

It is the 10th

of November, 2006.

This is video diary number one.

Patient's name:
Billy Tomlinson, 11,

diagnosed with prodromal VEOS

at the Children's Hospital

in Philadelphia,

where I am currently chief resident

of the child psychiatry unit.

Patient meets all diagnostic criteria,

including disorganized speech,

alogia, catatonic features

and persistent delusions,

with no fewer than three hallucinatory

episodes in the past three months,

in which Billy claimed

there was, quote,

"a man made of nails"

living under his bed.

10mg Abilify,

10mg loxapine.

In less than a week,

this binary treatment

vanquished Billy's delusions,

sending this "man made of nails"

back to whatever synapse

misfiring he came from.

Scheduled appointment,

including blood work,

for next Tuesday, the 14th.

Hi. It's November 18th.

Hi. It's November 18th.

I'm your host David Poe,

and this is "America's Funniest,

Most Embarrassing

Home Videos."

Today the kids have

their Thanksgiving Day party at school.

Mom's dressed them as something.

We're gonna find out what.

You guys look

so cute, I'm gonna vomit.

The follies of youth

are fast forgotten, not to worry.

Unless, of course,

Dad happens to be filming them.

Listen to you.

Honey, did you make

your own lunch?

- I'm sorry, you look great.

- They look great!

Fantastic, absolutely.

What did you make?

That's... come on, please...

Give them a break.

Did you make bologna?

No? PB&J?

No? Well...

why don't we just see

what our little man

is bringing to the fourth grade

Thanksgiving feast, huh?

If he can make a sandwich,

I think you can every once in a while.

- No, I can't.

- I'm sorry.

- What'd you make, Jack?

- Oh!

Hey, boy.

On this episode of "Clare Poe:

Turkey Proctologist Extraordinaire,"

we... ooh, "Rectum?

Damn near killed 'em!"

Huh? Huh?

Jack! Emily!

I'll get 'em.

Come on, guys,

it's time to eat.

Your mom's been working

on this turkey all day.

Some apples?

Looks really good,

doesn't it?

Dear Lord...

Thank you.

Thank you for providing us

this most bountiful feast.

Most importantly, we thank you

for providing us with each other,

with love,

for this Thanksgiving

we owe to You,

our most trusted

and holy God.

Thank you for my wife,

my beautiful wife,

thank you for my children

and thank you for this life,

which is indeed blessed.

So let us pray.

Dear blessed Lord,

we thank you for the gifts that you...

What was that?

That was your children

being disrespectful.

Well, we're not gonna eat

this turkey until they pray.

- Okay.

- All right.

Dear blessed Lord, thank you for the

gifts that you have provided for us...

What are you guys doing?

- Let's just eat, okay?

- I'm serious.

We are not gonna eat

until you pray.

David, come on.

Dear blessed Lord,

please give us Your...

...that you have provided for us...

What are you guys doing?

Hi, I'm Boy Scout leader

David Poe

and you're gonna learn

about an ancient art today

called lock picking.

You won't find it in the manual,

but you will

find it here. Come on.

All right? Bobby pin?

Got it. Okay now, Jack,

first thing you wanna do:

Open up said bobby pin,

peel off the little rubber bit...

put it into the lock like so.

All right, make three circles

counterclockwise

until you feel it...

- Go like that.

There you go.

And lock picked.

Slide it to the left.

Okay, this is

the one-handed bowline.

It's a very important knot,

maybe the most essential knot.

It's un-get-out-of-able,

un-undoable

unless of course you wanna undo it

and you have two hands.

I'm gonna show you how

to do it with one hand. Ready?

Go like this...

go around the tree.

And that right there

is a bowline, all right?

I want you to do one.

Give me one second.

Emily, you watching?

Look at that. There he is.

There's old Nikolai.

Perfect.

Dad's,

Jack's.

Perfect!

Did you see that?

Emily, you're next.

Are you ready?

I scream, you scream.

We all scream for... ow!

A little help.

I thought you were

going jogging.

I did. I was.

For about three miles.

So I'm out there

in the middle of the woods

and I took a left where I usually...

anyways, there's this

inlet road there,

and off in the distance

I heard this music, right?

And it's weird,

but it sounds familiar,

so I jog a little closer

and I see this truck,

this ice-cream truck.

And I flagged him down.

He was coming toward me and I say,

"Hey, man, listen, it's a little loud

at 7:
00 in the morning

for you to be playing the music

the way you're playing it.

Would you mind turning it down

a little?" He says, "No problem."

Real nice guy,

and he gives me two ice-cream cones.

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