Home Sweet Hell

1

Come on, it's my turn.

- It's my turn.

- I don't care, you've had it forever.

You're not playing fair!

Don't be a sore loser.

If you cannot argue constructively,

what will Mother do?

Destroy our video games.

Andrew...?

And the gaming system.

Burn it while we watch.

That's right. Don't forget

what happened to your Legos.

Well, you get me somebody

that's authorized to say yes...

...or I'm gonna find

another finance company.

And that's the truth.

I got a three thousand dollar order.

The numbers look good.

He's already pre-approved,

plus we got everything in stock.

Great.

Hello.

- Hello?

- Come in.

Can I help you?

I'm here about the job posting

on Craigslist.

- Wonderful.

- "Energetic people person...

...who is a well-oiled selling machine...

...that wants to better civilization

through the fine furniture of the world."

I didn't write it. But it is good.

- Don Champagne.

- Dusty.

Hi, Dusty. Welcome to

Champagne Furniture and Rugs.

Thank you.

Would you like to sit down?

- I would love to.

- Great.

So, what kind of jobs do you give? Had.

Yeah, baby! She's the one, boss.

Well, you know...

- I'll review all the applications tonight.

- We need this.

We don't need this.

Come on.

You know my wife has Crohn's.

She cries all day.

And violent bowel movements. It's horrific.

Oh, I'm sorry. But what's your point?

Point? Eye candy!

We need something to look at

during the day.

Something to take our minds

off that suffering.

- You should know better than anybody.

- All right.

Look at that.

All right, well... Okay.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Did you find someone?

Maybe.

What's his name?

Dusty.

Not another Mexican, is it?

You know what Daddy says,

"Hire a Jew."

All they do is make money.

Yes. I know...

No. It's not a Mexican.

Speaking of my parents,

they're gonna swing by here...

...on their roadtrip

for Andrew's birthday party.

So...

You're gonna need to work on the lawn.

What's wrong with the lawn?

Oh, Daddy wouldn't approve

of those hedges.

Well, it's not his lawn.

Well...

He did help pay for the house, Don, so I

guess that makes it partially his lawn.

Does he partially own the kids...

...because he pitches in

for their private school?

He just wants what's best for them.

And I don't?

Of course you do.

You're gonna dress like that

and we're gonna review your goals?

Our goals.

Now...

We need this retreat in Florida.

A second store in Shady Springs.

And we need to move to

the Wildwood Collection by next Summer.

We're gonna achieve our goals, Don...

...because we have standards

and strategy.

Now, focus!

It's hard to stay focused

when I've got this healthy erection.

We will have sex on the 9th...

...as scheduled.

Until then you can take care of yourself.

What if I just slide it

between your butt cheeks?

No penetration.

We will have sex on the 9th,

as scheduled.

And you need to work out.

You looked a little bloated

in the last commercial.

- Love you.

- More than the moon and the stars?

More than the moon and the stars.

One, two. One, two, One...

What?

Already? That's impressive.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone...

They don't need to finance

and they asked for rush delivery.

So, what do they want?

Just a chocolate La-Z-Boy recliner.

Hey, hey, hey! A sale is a sale.

Better to be lucky than good.

That's a great saying.

There's no luck needed, though.

I was watching you out there.

You're a natural.

Don't pop this inside.

I like it when you watch me.

You do...?

Who am I speaking with?

Dagmarro? That's a nice name.

What is that, Canadian?

This is Don Champagne

of Champagne Furniture and Rugs.

We've got a little bit of a problem here.

I ordered

an espresso Modernica in a pull-out...

...and you sent it to me in a sectional.

...Scrooge had no further dealings

with ghosts...

...but it was always said

he knew how to keep Christmas well...

...if any man alive

possessed the knowledge...

Jump in the shower

and clean yourself up.

"So as Tiny Tim observed...

'God bless us, everyone.'"

Collector of the finer things in life?

Exclusive art? Italian leather?

I'll leave your cut on the bed.

Handwoven rugs?

Maybe even a rare floor lamp?

Well, look no further

than Champagne Furniture and Rugs...

...where we carry the coolest,

sleekest furniture...

...for your home, office, or yacht.

Come on down and let our family...

...here at

Champagne Furniture and Rugs...

...fill your furnishing desires.

I'm Don Champagne, tastemaker.

And the pleasure is all mine.

How are the French lessons?

They are... kind?

And how about you, Allison?

What have you learned?

It's a... beautiful, difficult,

and interesting language.

But with adequate time and study...

I will easily become accomplished.

I have no doubt, darling.

Just make sure

you work with your brother.

Oh, and make sure your clothes

are ironed before school tomorrow.

You must look better than everyone else,

always. No exceptions.

Perception is key.

Perception is everything.

Can I go play X-Box now?

"May" we, not "can" we. And yes.

Andrew?

Thank you, Ally.

Good job, buddy.

Don...

Honey, how was your day?

Same old, same old.

Did the new hire make a sale?

Actually, she did.

Her name is Dusty?

- How old is she?

- I don't know.

She's a single mother.

Just moved here.

Has some...

Some very good references.

We're trying to run a business, Don.

Not a day care.

I'm sure she has a babysitter.

At least she's not Mexican.

Wow, look at them big old titties.

Yeah.

I bet she keeps it trim for daddy,

doesn't she.

This place...

So we're gonna get rid of all this.

I'm gonna just give it away.

- Well, don't give it away.

- Give it away!

Hi. Les. How are you?

You have beautiful eyes.

You know, this leather is real Italian...

Same color as your eyes. Look at that.

Very comfortable. Very beautiful...

I see you guys eyeing this bad boy.

Let's take it for a ride.

That is a bad boy. All three of them.

- She's gonna take care of you.

- Okay.

How you doing? I'm Don. I'm the owner.

Let me know if you need any help.

Hi. Welcome.

Champagne Furniture and Rugs.

How are you? Pleasure's all mine.

- Hey, guys. Okay. Put that in the back.

- In the back?

- By the black, round coffee table.

- You got it.

Looking good, looking good.

She must have a little harlot in her

in a dress like that, huh?

You're just saying that

because she's pretty.

You think she's pretty?

I think she's what I need on the floor.

Of the showroom. Selling furniture.

Would you like to meet her?

No,

No, I want to keep some boundaries

between the power and the help.

- Good decision.

- Yeah.

- Back on the floor I go.

- All right.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

- Hey.

- Impressive day.

Red Tag Sales always are.

I think you're doing a great job.

Daddy does too.

You know how I love his approval.

You've come such a long way

from being a used car salesman.

Thank you.

I guess.

Want a hand job?

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