Homewrecker Page #2

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know anything.

Okay?

Oh, my God! I'm totally

freaking the f*** out here!

You have to help me.

No. I'd love to help you

but I gotta get back to work.

No, no, listen, I'm freaking

the f*** out right now.

I cant help... you cant smoke that here,

this isn't my van. Okay?

Okay?

I've gotta think of a plan.

can I drop you

somewhere? Huh?

can I drop you home?

Okay, I can do that for you. Okay?

Alright? You gonna smile?

Calm the f*** down?

Good. Put your seatbelt on, please.

Yes, sir.

Who the f*** turns their

phone off for three hours

in the middle of a Workday?

My God

I mean, do you turn

your phone off?

No.

No, that's right.

I have to be on call

Oh, Lord. I guess

that's kind of different.

What about your sheets? When

do you change your sheets?

What?

Like when do you

change your sheets?

Like how often?

I don't know.

He changes his,like, All the time

Every dry.

I change mine,

every other Tuesday.

Why... why would you change

your sheets every other Tuesday?

I don't know, I

guess I'm on a schedule.

Why are you on a schedule?

It's discipline.

You like that?

Yeah, it's all right.

It's, like, rigor.

It's What?

It's, like, rigor. It's,

like, rigorous behaviour.

It's... it's just sometimes

What you gotta do, you know?

Mmm. Doesnt it

get a little boring?

Well, you have clean sheets.

On Tuesdays.

Yeah.

Whoa, cool.

Don't play with that.

Do all locksmiths have this?

I don't know.

This is such a brain charge.

Have you ever tried this?

No.

Oh, you wanna try it?

Just...

Alright... What's

the building number?

Building number?

I... I don't know. Just

stop here on the right.

Okay

where should I drop you?

It's a little further

A bit more

are you okay?

Perfect

Thanks

That's his gallery

Whose?

His.

that's him.

What... what

are we doing?

Why are they standing

so close together?

She's new here

You think she's the one?

I... I don't know.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Do you think

she's attractive?

No.

No, it's okay,

it's okay if you do

Just tell me if you do.

I don't.

Do you think they're f***ing?

No.

Oh. I do.

She's got that little

fine-featured thing going on

that guys like so much.

Ooh.

Delicate bones.

I'll bet you

she has perfect hands

I hate my hands They're

like a stranger's hands

My... my... my

hands are crooked.

Let me see.

Ahh.

Hey, you got

the wrong hands

That's him

Get down

I can't...

God! Is she going with him?

Is she?

No.

He's alone?

Yes.

where's he going?

He went around the corner.

Just take...take your bag!

Jesus, What the

f*** am I doing?

Sh*t.

He went into his

favourite f***ing bistro.

Will you go in and talk to him?

What?

Just...

Why... why

would I do that?

Ask him if

he's seeing someone.

I can't do that

No, you totally can.

You don't know him.

Exactly.

tell him that you're

seeing two women

and ask him if he's ever

been in that predicament.

No one talks like that.

Come on

Come on!

I'm going crazy,

look at me, I'm...

Why don't you go in there

and ask him for yourself?

Please, I would

do it my own self

but I cant do it

because he won't tell me

or else he'll think

that I'm totally paranoid...

that's what

you sound like.

of crazy of difficult

You have to

understand that this

is the only thing

that I actually have

in my whole entire life.

He's the only thing I have.

I don't even have any

one single other thing.

He's actually the best

thing in my life. Please.

Have you ever been

in love of...? At All?

He's gonna think

some thing's weird.

Just ask him for some advice,

he loves to tell

people what to do.

I'm sorry, I cant

do that, Okay?

I'd... I'd love to help

you but I cant. Alright?

I gotta get

back to work!

I know.

I know you do.

And I know that you really

would love to help me

and I can tell you that you really

actually could help me so much

If you just... if you just...

if you just give me

something, just for fa...

God, Okay!

Okay! Okay!

Sh*t.

What's up?

I... I cant do it.

What?

I cant do it. I don't

like places like that.

Why?

Writ.

Listen. You look awesome.

You look totally perfect

It's no problem,

just be yourself

that's all. Just be

yourself. It'll be fine.

It's good.

Be yourself.

You can do it

thank you.

- and just take on the mid

- career artist like myself.

can I help you?

And just tell everybody

else to f*** off.

Coffee.

Yeah, I would like for her to be...

I've never had a problem with Lofi

She's, it's a bit

unpleasant, you know?

And I'm not like one of these guys

who's, like, squeamish about it

But this is the first instance

where it's a little bit unpleasant.

You know, and you cant, like, say,

"Hey, let's go take a

sexy bath together"

every time before

you're gonna get in bed

Have you tried?

Yeah, like, once,but, I mean,

she's gonna catch on to it every time

Yeah, no, my assistant's gonna go

and do something about it

Maybe I'I go back to them and I'Il update

can I get this one?

Sure.

Beet salad.

thanks, Todd.

that salad looks good.

It is.

I recommend it.

can I... can I ask

you a question?

Me?

I was wondering, cause

I got a... I got a date

with this girl after work

and I was wondering if maybe

I could wear these boots.

I got another shirt in the car.

Yeah, you look... you look...

you look fine.

thanks.

Yeah, you look like somebody

who knows a lot about women.

Can I take your order, sir?

Ummm...

What is that?

This is a beet salad.

Mm, a beet salad,

please. It looks good.

Yeah.

It's good, right?

It's great.

Okay? I love it.

I love beets.

Do you believe in love at all?

I... I don't know

What you're talking about.

Love. Like,loving people.

Not just like your parents.

I understand questions,

and this and that...

Let me stop you right here, Okay?

I'm not really in the

mood to have a conversation

with a perfect stranger, Okay?

I'm trying to do some work,

eat, I'm out the door. Alright?

Just kinda lost

the touch, you know?

I don't quite remember how things work.

I just got out

of jail, you know?

Well, I'm sure you're

gonna be fine, Okay?

You look very nice.

My shirt is just like

that with the cuffs.

It's not supposed to wrinkle,

but that's bullshit on

a hot dry like today.

Yeah. They don't tell you that.

Yeah.

So, do you have a girlfriend?

Yes, I have a girlfriend.

You love her?

Okay. Barbara Walters,

I'm gonna ask you something now, Okay?

What?

What were you inside for?

"Inside for," huh?

I sold, two bags of coke.

Were they big bags?

No, they were little 40s.

Sh*t.

So, What,

What do you do?

I own an art gallery

You know what? Let me give you

my card.

Name's Charles,

number's over there.

Alright.

Yeah.

thanks. I got one.

I'm Mike.

Mike. Pleased to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

So What do you love

about your girlfriend?

Well, she's nice.

Yeah?

And I really think I gotta

get back to this email.

Oh.

Okay?

Yeah.

Sorry.

I'm sorry about being weird and all.

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