Homo Erectus Page #2

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Of course, my brother is a profound idiot.

You're the hottest girl on the tribe.

I've told you million times.

Really?

- Really.

Okey, I guess it's not about me.

What's happening with you, Ish?

What is happening in your love life?

- Who do you have your eye on?

- Nobody.

Come on, you can tell your best friend.

- No, seriously, there is nobody.

I have no time for such folderol, OK?

I'm too busy inventing things.

Really Ishbo, that's absurd.

Back to more important matters,

I have a secret.

Somebody likes you.

- Really? Who?

- Somebody very close to you, right now.

But, if I tell you you can't say anything.

Your cousin, Urka.

See the way that she looks

to you during campfire stories?

What do you think?

- Not my type.

Really?

- Yeah.

God, I tell you guys would've made a really cute couple.

- I don't think so.

I don't know, Ish.

There's gotta be somebody.

No, don't bother. Just forget about it.

I can't get girls, it's worthless, OK?

Listen, I don't even know how to club.

What?

You've never clubbed a girl?

No, I haven't. Is that so crazy?

Now, you can do it.

you take her by the hair,

you drag her into the cave.

Very romantic.

OK, you try.

- I don't know.

I wanna make this one a little prettier for you.

You should be gotta wait for me

get out of the way that pumpkin.

Did you just trying to club me?

No, don't be ridiculous.

No.

Yes.

Ishbo, what are you trying to say?

Fardart, I love you.

I've been in love with you ever since we're children.

I've just been to afraid to do anything about it.

Out of fear of rejection,

fear of messing of our friendship.

And I know I'm not the biggest,

strongest member of the tribe,

but I know I can love you with

the power of the ten mastodonts.

You just give me chance, I know I can

make you the happiest girl on all of Pangea.

Oh, Ishbo.

You saved the best for last, ha?

I love you inspectin things.

See you comin'.

You're heavy.

There I was, surrounded by

hungry, wooly mammoths.

Everynight after dinner, the tribe

would gather around the campfire,

and listen to my uncle Unkie tell stories.

Giant dusks, bigger than my body.

Sharp as thorns.

Uncle Unkie was my fathers twin brother

and the tribes designated stroy teller.

These enormous beasts

and only one thought on their mind.

They kill me.

Night after night, he would regale

harrowing tales of his travels to forbidden places.

His words were a complex tapestry of twists and turns.

Holding the entire tribe captive

from the beginning to...

THE END.

Bravo uncle Unkie.

Bork, why the hell you're clapping so loud?

Are you kidding? I mean,

that story kicked ass, man.

He tells the same story every night.

So?

- So, he tells the exact same story every night.

He holds his goddamn hand out and

releases that mouse at the same time.

Everybody screams like

they don't know what's coming next.

Is it me? Am I crazy?

Wouldn't it be nice once to hear a new story?

This is very awkward.

Now look what've done.

Well, Mr. Bigshot inventor.

If you think you're

so much smarter than everybody else,

and why don't you just

invent a new story?

Allright.

Good evening throwbacks and gentleman.

It's great to be back at the cave.

I'm reminded tonight of why it is

that the ladies like caveman so much.

They know all the best clubs.

Is this thing on?

Hello? Hello?

Allright, what do you call two lesbian cavewoman?

Troglodykes.

Troglodykes!

Now, onto the tribal updates.

There's been some grumblings lately,

about the Binadraks unusual activity.

We've all seen the smoke

and we've heard the drums.

But, as our chief and tribal leader,

I can assure you there's nothing to be afraid of.

So, don't anybody panic.

They wouldn't dare try any shenanigans

after the ass-whoopin' we gave them last spring.

Right?

- You're right.

OK, that's it.

Not quite, dad.

I have announcement to make.

Everybody, Fardart and me

are getting married.

Mazal Tov!

My worst nightmare come true.

If only I had told her how I felt sooner,

maybe things would've been different.

But it's too late now.

The love of my life was marrying my taller,

stronger, better looking brother.

There was nothing I could do about it.

There would never be another woman for me.

That night I had a dream.

Ishbo, I don't wanna be with Thudnik.

I wanna be with you.

Over here! Over here'

He is over here!

- Fardart, what're you doing?

- He's gotta get away! Hurry!

There he is!

Guys, I'm not a goddamn wolly mammoth.

Missed me.

This Fardart thing

was consuming my every thought.

I turn to my closest friends

for guidance and support but

Caveman are not known for their sensitivity.

Look, Ishbo, reality check:

Fardart is gone.

You were never in her league anyway, man.

Right, now you don't have to waste your time

with any flase hopes.

Look, your stud brother is marryin'.

And he's gonna be clubbin' her all day and all night.

So your mind will forget it.

- Yeah, get laid.

Dude, listen.

Fact that Fardart wants to

marry your idiot brother

just cause he's gonna be the

head of the tribe someday,

that don't sum it up nothing well.

She's a shallow b*tch.

You just whack one over the head

and get it over with, man.

I don't know. I just seems cold. Maybe if I was

just better looking than I could get girls.

Maybe they were right.

Maybe I was using excuses to mask my

deep seeded insecurities about women.

I was in a major depression.

This Fardart and Thudnik thing

had hit me in my deepest level.

Could it be that I never express my love for Fardart earlier

because I was afraid that she would accept it?

What a pathetic thought.

I was at my lowest point and

at a total lost is to what to do next.

That's when I saw, her.

Her name was Ugna.

I'd watch a grow up a gangly little girl.

But as if overnight,

she'd matured into a beautiful woman.

Suddenly, a surge of masculinity overtook me.

If Fardart was unavailable,

I couldn't just pine away hoping for some miracle.

Screw her!

I had to move on.

But the first time I felt a freedom

to express my manhood.

For Ugna was a woman right for the picking.

And I was a man hornier than sh*t.

After Ugna didn't appear at the storytelling,

a search party was sent to look for the next day.

Even though I felt terrible about what had happened,

I didn't see how it benefit anyone to confess

that I accidently knocked her off a cliff.

We found her.

Oh, my God, it's horrible.

- What happened?

- She was picking flowers, there was a cliff.

She must've slipped, it's like a hundred feet.

Oh man, she's dead.

Usually, the tribe would've held the ceremony or funeral

and crimated her in the traditional bonfire ritual to the Gods,

But because meat was so scares that season,

we ate her instead.

No, thanks. I'm a little nauseous right now.

As the season progressed

things were getting more dire.

Food was in all time low. I suggested that we wanted to

another location might be more fruitful but,

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