Homo Erectus Page #6

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Finally we said no more.

We rosed up against our enslavers, killing them all.

Creating our own tribe.

Now we make love to each other,

with the tenderness and patience necessary.

So that each member of our tribe

achieves multi orgasmic satisfaction.

Really?

Now we travel primitive landscape, liberating every woman

we meet, and killing every man.

Listen, I'm not like other cave man, OK?

I'm anti-clubbing. I always have been.

What, I'm serious.

I've had many many conversations with

my own tribe about this very clubbing issiue.

I see men and women is equal.

I don't wanna club a girl over the head.

I wanna get to know her.

And then if a romantic sparking night,

I want the physical

component of our relationship

to be an organic expression

of our compatibility.

Are you shitting me or you're for real?

No, it's a 100% for real.

Allright, I left my own tribe for oppressing me

just like you guys do it with you tribes.

You are in luck, wimpy man.

I've decided just to spear you pathetic life.

Thank you, I really appreciate that, thank you.

And you know what?

Under one condition: You impregnate

every woman in this tribe.

You know, I really don't have the time right now.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

Because your nature is clearly that of a wuss.

I see as a non-threatening male.

Therefore I have chosen you to

sleep with every woman in this tribe,

that's insure propogation of our kind.

You will start with me.

But first ladies, scrub his filty penis,

a**hole and balls.

Wait, wait, I have to tell you something.

- What?

I can't believe I'm about to say this.

But, I don't think I can do this.

So you're a fag.

- No, I'm in love with another woman.

And I've left my entire tribe behind and

everything I've ever known.

And... you're extremely hot.

And the members of your tribe are very hot.

And..I would love

to have sex with you, guys.

I'm just afraid that, if I do, that'll be cheating on her.

And I can't do that to the woman I love.

You've all been so nice,

and... Thanks for everything.

And I'm really really sorry.

But, thanks, but no thanks.

Why, you little worm?

Queen Fallopia offers you a flawless body,

and all you can say is thanks, but no thanks?

Do you do how many men have literally died

trying to get into this loincloth.

And I offer to you as a gift of a lifetime

and you say thanks, but no thanks?

You're a dead man.

My nail!

Come here, you little, man.

Get him!

Men!

Those Gynaecropolistes had totally

thrown me off course.

I wondered the desert for days completely lost.

If I didn't finf those Binadraks soon,

I was vulture meat for sure.

What the hell are you doin'?

Did you know the difference

between water and sand?

It must've been a mirage.

Is that really you dad,

or are you a mirage, too?

What the hell do you think?

I got my head onto my arm.

But, you look so real.

- Ishbo,

I'm sorry, I called you an idiot.

- Thanks, dad.

- You're actually complete moron.

Turning your back on the tribe,

risking you life with the Binadraks,

Blowin' absolute guaranteed ass

from those incredible Amazon chicks,

And for what?

A woman doesn't even love you.

Turn back, Ishbo.

Turn back.

You know what? I'm tired of you

always criticising and calling me stupid.

Who is the one who's got his head

still attached, ha? Me. Not you, me.

You know what, she will love me.

You'll see.

You're completely full of sh*t.

Though my father was constantly

mean to me when he was alive,

in death, he did made

a favour of a lifetime.

Inadvertently, led me to

Binadraks headquarters.

Thanks, dad.

It's me. It's me.

Fardart, it's me.

Ishie? What the hell you doing here?

- I'm here to rescue you.

Rescue me?

- Yeah, Thudnik was pathetic.

He turn tail and ran like a coward.

The whole tribe followed him.

I tried to across the whole desert

just to save you. All by myself.

Why would you do anything like that?

- Because I love you, Fardart.

I love you so much.

And I finally figured out

the only thing that matters, the answer to every question

and the most powerful force in all of nature,

is love.

Kiss me.

What's the matter? I thought we're supposed to kiss

and I'm gonna rescue you and we're gonna run away

and set up on tribe and we're gonna live

happily ever after.

I'm glad you worked out of these whole

little fantasy for yourself.

But anything gonna happen.

Who said that I wanted to be rescued?

These Binadraks are way better than

Moonagongoons ever were.

I'm married to a bigger, stronger, better looking

chief than Thudnik ever was.

We have more food, much bigger cave,

He's a much bigger club,

if you know what I mean.

Plus, I got these.

- What have they done to you?

Quit with the pollyanna routine already.

It's survival of a fetus out here.

And as first lady of the Binadraks,

I intend to do what ever is necessary

to gurantee my place the evolutionary chain.

You know what? They brainwashed you.

You have no idea what you're saying.

Come on, I'm rescuing you.

- Come on, we're going.

- Let go!

Moonagongoons spy!

Moonagongoons spy!

- Kill him now!

Hurry.

- Queen Fallopia!

- The wussy man!

Oh, you little...

- Get him ladies.

Holy crap, is that Ishbo?

Let's get him.

I'm wore-out, goddamn it.

This is bullshit.

And I was at this moment that I realized

Maybe everybody was right all alone.

Maybe striving to evolve beyond

our a lot of sticks and stones was a fool's errand.

Maybe we were just destined

to be small tribes wondering the plains.

Leaving no indelible mark

on history whatsoever.

All paleolithic people

lived by hunting and gathering.

Would you stop doodling please

and look at me. Thank you.

Hunting and gathering.

That means no TV dinners, no fast fries.

They lived around 2 million to

Come this way, I'm gonna

show you an exquisite example

of everyday prehistoric life

around the communal cave.

Now there is no gameboy,

no Ice Box, no cell phone.

Life everyday was a constant

struggle just to survive.

Now, using actual bones, the express

from the museum have reconstruck him,

what there cave peoples

probably look like.

Short and fat.

This way, please.

I wanna show you over here--

Turn the cell phone off please.

Well, I turns out I was right.

Human beings did have

the potential to evolve after all.

Of course if that's good luck, it does mean now

I'm trapped in a museum,

and kids throw their gum at me.

You know, sometimes I do think about my

inventions and my tribe and Fardart.

But this point I really only have one regret.

I died, only ever having

had sex with a monkey.

I'm not dead yet, you

motherf***er and a**hole, cocksucker...

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