Honeymoon in Vegas

- How's my mother doing?

- Not so good today.

Why weren't you in here before?

- The doctor said...

- Screw the doctor.

Mom.

- You should save your strength.

- Jack, if I go...

Mom, you're not going to go.

If I go, I want you

to make me a promise.

- Say, "I promise. "

- I promise.

That you'll always love me.

Of course, Mom.

And you'll never get married.

Mom, no, no.

I can't promise that.

No girl could love you like I did, Jack.

You'll be unhappy. Don't do it.

Mom, don't say that.

Promise me, Jack. Never.

Mom, that's a huge thing to ask.

Mom... Mom!

Mom! Mom!

Mom, come back!

I promise I won't get married!

That's Mrs. Lupo

with the cable installer.

I'm Jack Singer, and I was hired

by Mrs. Lupo's paranoid husband,

who turned out

not to be so paranoid.

I feel for the guy. I really do.

I feel for all these people,

men and women,

the cheaters and cheated on,

sneaking around hotel lobbies

looking over their shoulders.

I'm sorry, but they only confirm what

my crazy mother said about marriage:

That it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Although my job can get depressing,

at least it's not dangerous,

and I do hear some great stories.

My wife is having an affair

with Mike Tyson.

"Mike Tyson" Mike Tyson?

Yeah.

That's her. That's Millie.

Well, she's a beautiful girl.

- When I think of the two of 'em!

- All right. Calm down. Calm down.

Let's just think this through.

Now, my first question, obviously:

- You've seen them together?

- What?

You've seen them together?

Your wife and Mr. Tyson?

- You don't believe me either!

- Of course I believe you.

- I just need a place to start.

- Everybody thinks I'm nuts!

The guys at the plant. Everybody.

They tell me she's sneaking with

Freddy Ramirez at the Sunrise Motel,

but I know it's the champ.

She wouldn't cheat with a piece of sh*t

like Freddy Ramirez,

beautiful girl like that.

I'm sure you're right.

Don't get me wrong, OK?

But, hey, for openers, let's say

I follow this Ramirez around...

Make sure it's not him.

- You're all the same.

- Mr. Tomashefsky.

- Nobody believes me.

- Don't just take off.

I'm sure it's hard to talk about,

but I'm a good listener!

Mr. Tomashefsky!

- Leave me alone!

- Hi, Bob.

It's not glamorous work,

that's the bottom line.

So why am I

telling you all of this?

Because I do have

an amazing story to tell

about me and my girlfriend,

Betsy Nolan.

She teaches second grade

at the Skelton School in Manhattan,

and she's the love of my life.

- I just haven't been able to marry her.

- Milton moved out?

Thursday.

I had ordered Chinese,

and he says, "Chinese again?"

Then he comes out

with his suitcase already packed!

I know David's been very quiet.

I thought that something was wrong.

Listen, Judy, if there's

anything that I can do...

Thanks. I thought it was important

that you know.

I'm so sorry.

- Bye, David.

- Bye.

- See you tomorrow, OK?

- OK.

- Bye.

- Come on, sweetie.

- I was in the neighborhood.

- What a nice surprise.

Oh. Forgot about that.

Tough day, huh?

It's so awful. And besides David,

they have a two-year old.

- That's my point.

- About what?

People get married, and then they do

the most hideous,

unbelievable things to each other.

Not all people. Come on, Jack.

That's your mother talking.

- I dreamt about her again last night.

- Was she naked again?

Hey, I only had one dream

where she was naked.

- She was vacuuming.

- Still...

It wasn't sexual.

It was about cleanliness.

She's so great.

When I play poker,

she helps with the food,

and she's funny with the guys.

Now, the ones with those pretty crowns,

they're called kings?

Kidding!

- Is she the best?

- She's the best.

Now shut up already. Let's play.

And sometimes,

if she's off from school,

she'll go out with me on a tail job.

OK, Rolexes, 35 dollars.

Downtown, they're 45.

Bada-bing, bada-bang.

- There he is.

- That's him?

That fat pig? And he has four kids?

Just a little louder.

They might not have heard you.

- I'm hungry. How about you?

- Wait a beat.

Now.

This is very hard being inconspicuous.

It's a gift. Your problem is you're much

too beautiful for this kind of work.

Me? I'm everyman.

Here we go.

Oh, God.

Ugh! This is so depressing.

But it doesn't mean that we'd

wind up like this, Jack, it doesn't.

No. It doesn't.

Jack, stop with your mother already.

I try, but I can't.

So why don't you go see a shrink?

It's too much money,

and I prefer to work it out myself.

- As long as you wait for me.

- Of course I'll wait for you.

Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep.

Maybe you won't dream about her.

- Maybe I'll just read.

- Come here, you big lug.

A year later,

things with Betsy and me...

Well, they just started

to get very shaky.

I feel as if

I might be coming down with something.

She was finding excuses

not to come over,

and when she did,

things weren't the same.

I'm losing her.

Speaking of losing, you owe me 50

from the Notre Dame game.

- Sally, I love her.

- Love her or not, that's a different...

Sally. Villanova-Georgetown.

You want Georgetown,

you gotta give three.

- Uptown, it's two and a half.

- Cha Cha, do me a favor. Bet uptown.

Jack, if you love her, then marry her.

It's not the end of the world.

The decline, yes, but not the end.

- Thanks very much.

- Ask anybody.

- She's different.

- I repeat... Ask anybody.

- This isn't good, Jack.

- Order something else.

I'm talking about us.

- We're just going through a down phase.

- No, it's bigger than that.

I feel like I'm counting on something

that may never happen.

Jack, we have to go to the next step.

Is this, like, an ultimatum?

No, I'm just telling you

that I won't be a girlfriend forever.

There's too much that I want.

I want kids and a family.

Jack, I've got to know

what the deal is with us.

- I'm in love with you.

- And I'm in love with you.

But I need a commitment.

Life's too short.

I want to be married.

Light's green.

Let's get married tomorrow.

Let's just do it... get on a plane,

go to Vegas and do it.

Now.

- You're serious?

- I must be. My legs are paralyzed.

Oh, sweetie!

The die was cast.

If I had just said "city hall,"

the story would end here,

but I didn't, and Betsy and I

took our fateful trip to Vegas.

The man in the limo

was Tommy Korman, the gambler,

and he was about

to enter my life.

Yep. Home, sweet home.

How you doin'?

I was with two fine-looking

women last night.

One was so fine.

She reminded me of Debra Paget.

She made Debra Paget

look like a boy.

What?

Look at all these Elvises here.

It looks like a friggin' zoo.

- It's a freakin' zoo.

- Mr. Korman!

Mr. Korman, Mr. Sandwich,

Buddy Walker. Welcome to Bally's.

I've replaced Tony Carmelo.

I didn't know if you'd heard.

It escaped my attention.

I wondered if I could

have a word with you.

It's all right.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Yeah.

- Tommy, we have a small problem.

- Oh, yeah?

Penthouse A is not available, but...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes