Hooligans

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# I know I am, I'm sure I am

I'm West Ham till I die #

[shouting]

Go on, bruv. Go on, bruv.

F*** me. If I knew we was going to a bar

mitzvah, I'd have brought me f***ing skullcap.

Mate, Tottenham's due north.

Are you lost or just f***ing stupid?

Still a stand-up comedian, eh, Dunham?

All right, mate.

When the Major was doing your job,

he wasn't nearly so chatty.

Probably 'cause

he wasn't quite so nervous either.

The Major always preferred a scrap

to your yammer.

- What's all that? What is that?

- Yammer?

You reckon? Mate, I think you should get

on the next train and f*** off out of here.

- Before something bad happens.

- [Jeering]

We'd be interested to see exactly what that is.

You're not exactly top-flight mob

these days, are you?

- More like a two-bob mob.

- [Laughter]

See, now, that's just plain rude.

But if you fancy it, who are we to let you down?

- Come on, then!

- Come on, then, you f***ing poncey c*nt!

- You f***ing c*nt! You!

- [Chanting]

F***ing have it! Come on.

Let's go.

I'm telling you, you don't need Lewis.

I will trade you Keeshon and Maddux for Lewis.

And I'm gonna be losing out on this deal.

Because Keeshon, he's back

with the old coach. He's back with Parcells.

And they are gonna be an unstoppable team.

You know that. I know that.

Look, man, he was

comeback player of the year, you know.

Not many guys have thrown

over 6,000 yards. Come on.

Let me call you back.

I gotta deal with something.

Buckner. That $10,000.

I think it's a pretty good deal.

We never had a deal, Jeremy.

Look, I know you got screwed here.

But I have my family's reputation to protect.

A Van Holden getting expelled from Harvard.

No way.

I've got a little more at stake here, Matt.

Buckner.

Come on, man.

My dad is definitely gonna get re-elected.

When I graduate, I'll totally hook you up.

Thanks, bro.

You're really saving my ass.

You've reached Carl Buckner. I'm currently

on assignment in Kabul and I'm unreachable.

Leave a message

at the foreign correspondents desk

at the Washington bureau of the Times

and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks so much.

This is a security announcement

at Heathrow airport.

Please keep your belongings with you

at all times.

[Matt] My name is Matt Buckner.

Last spring, I got kicked out of Harvard

two months shy of my diploma,

but what I was about to learn, no lvy League

school in the world could teach me.

Mind the gap.

Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Mind the gap. Please stand clear.

[Woman] Matt!

- Hi. Hey.

- Hey.

- Oh, my God.

- It's so good to see you.

You, too. Was that a terrorist attack?

What happened here?

Welcome to match-day madness.

Tottenham was in town last night.

- Are you a soccer fan now?

- Don't let them hear you say soccer.

- Who's "them"?

- The British Empire.

Uncle Matt, meet Ben.

- Can you believe that?

- Hey there, little guy.

- He's adorable.

- Yeah.

It is so good to see you.

But what are you doing here?

It doesn't make sense. Why would you have

been expelled if you didn't do anything wrong?

It was my roommate. He's a total cokehead.

Somebody tipped off campus security

and we got our room searched.

They found his stash in my stuff.

I guess he'd been hiding his sh*t

in my closet the entire time.

Really?

- Yeah, really.

- You could tell me if you were taking...

- It's not like that.

- So you fought it and they didn't believe you?

Matt. You fought it, right?

Look, you don't know who this guy is.

He's a Van Holden.

I wouldn't have even had a chance.

So what did Dad say?

"You've reached Carl Buckner."

"I'll be in the lvory Coast for 57 years"?

- Kabul this time.

- Whatever.

Seriously, though, when you spoke to him,

what did he say?

- I didn't tell him.

- He doesn't know?

- I probably would have done the same thing.

- Yeah?

Once he finds out his golden boy

got kicked out of Harvard,

he'll dive headfirst

into an empty swimming pool.

- Gee, thanks.

- [Car door closes]

Oh, Steve's home.

- Hi, baby.

- Hey.

- I've got a surprise for you.

- Oh, honey, we have a guest.

This is my kid brother, Matt.

Matt. All right, mate? How are you doing?

- It's good to finally meet you.

- And you. Finally made it across the pond?

- Yeah.

- [Baby gurgles]

Who's this? Who's this?

Come here. Oh, I missed you. Come here.

Oh!

- I missed you, little Lord Ben.

- Honey, you want some tea?

- Yeah, that'd be great.

- Tea, huh?

- Get over it.

- He's a good-looking little geezer, in't he?

- Sure is.

- Listen, Matt.

I'm really pleased you're here,

but I made some plans for tonight.

I've got this whole romantic evening set up.

I've got the babysitter booked,

and we've got tickets to see Chicago.

- You wouldn't mind if we go?

- [Knocking]

Oh, excuse me.

Shall we go and see who's banging

the door down? What a surprise.

- What are you doing?

- Aye aye! All right, bruv.

- Jesus, Shannon, you look rough.

- You're a funny guy, Pete.

- [Pete laughs]

- Matt, this is Pete, Steve's brother.

- Pete, this is my brother, Matt.

- Hi.

- All right, son?

- Good to meet you.

Hello, Ben.

# I'm West Ham till I die

I'm West Ham till I die

- # I know I am, I'm sure I am... #

- All right.

- I'm taking him to bed.

- All right, babe.

- See you later, Ben.

- Well done.

- I thought you were going to the match.

- Well, technically, yes.

But we got into a bit of a drinking session

last night.

- One thing led to another...

- You've lost your wallet.

- And me keys.

- [Horn beeps]

There's a taxi outside.

Top bloke, my brother.

So...

How are we, my colonial cousin?

- Fine, thanks.

- [American accent] Fine, thanks.

- You couldn't make it a hundred?

- How does piss off sound?

F*** off, come on.

# Get some drinks in

Get some drinks in

- # Get... #

- Shut up. Just shut up.

I'll tell you what I'll do, all right?

I'll give you a hundred...

...if you take Matt here to the match.

F*** off, you're having a bubble.

- I can't take a Yank to football.

- Yeah, you can.

And you're gonna be on your best behaviour,

do you understand?

- Go on.

- Well, come on, then.

Cheers, Matt.

We don't get much time on our own.

Right, listen to me.

You don't give him the money, OK?

No way. That's beer for the boys.

- All right.

- All right?

Matt? Where are you going?

I'm going to the soccer game with Pete.

- But you just got here.

- I know, but I'll catch up with you later.

- Have a good time. See you.

- [Pete] Hurry up.

I don't want him hanging out

with Pete and those thugs.

It's all right. He's a big boy.

He can look after himself.

Pick a hand. Come on.

The right hand?

You've just won the star prize.

Yeah? How much do you love me?

- A lot.

- That's not enough.

I'm not being funny, but the last thing

I want to do is to take you to the match.

So here's how it works.

Give me half the money. I'll go to football.

You can see where Churchill took a tom,

or whatever you Yanks do in Jolly Old.

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