Hooligans Page #2

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- Tom?

- Tom. A tomtit, sh*t.

It's rhyming slang.

Like bees and honey for money.

Like I could say to you,

give me the f***ing bees.

- I made a promise to Steve.

- Well, Steve ain't here, is he, mate? I am.

You're pissing in the wind

if you think I'm taking you.

- I'm not giving you the money.

- You ain't really got a f***ing choice, mate.

And you're starting to get on my tits.

Give me half the money.

Cops!

Well, how f***ing stupid do you feel now?

Come on, then, dance for me, Yankee.

Serves you right

for fighting like a bleeding tart.

But try that again

and I will kick the sh*t out of you.

Yeah, the tom out of me. I get it.

Get up. Come on.

So, I'm guessing you're not much of a fighter.

Fighter? That's probably

the first fight I ever had.

You call that a fight?

F*** it. I will take you with me.

You might learn something.

- About soccer?

- No, mate. Not about soccer.

And for f***'s sake, stop saying soccer.

Come on, hurry up.

What are you talking about,

baseball is a girls' game?

The Red Sox guy pitches a ball

at 90 miles an hour.

Who cares? All that means is

he can have a wank faster than you.

- Come on.

- Think about it.

I just don't get it.

What is it with you Americans?

You start a f***ing war, bottle it,

then we have to come save your arse again.

- Save our ass?

- Yes.

On top of that, you kill half our soldiers

in friendly fire.

- That's called an accident.

- Yeah, accident my arse.

- All right?

- All right, Dunham?

Look, we're sort of

going into my place of business, right?

Shut up and you might have

a better run of things.

Only thing regarded worse than a Yank

around here are coppers and journalists.

- What have you got against journalists?

- How long have you got?

They're lying f***ing scum

who'll write anything just to fill papers.

Not your old man, of course.

He's the exception maybe.

These boys don't know about your old man.

If I was you, I'd keep it that way.

Another thing.

What you hear in here stays in here, all right?

No blabbing to brother Steve

about who said what.

What happens at football stays at football.

All right?

Yeah, all right.

Let's have some fun. It's football day!

All right, Pete.

- Aye aye!

- [Cheering]

- How's it going?

- Good, yeah, good. All right, boys?

This is Matt, Shannon's brother. Ned.

- Nice to meet you.

- Dave. Swill.

- Hello, mate.

- Ike.

- And the one with the dodgy haircut's Keith.

- Hey, Keith.

- I'll get the drinks in, then.

- Does that mean I'm getting the drinks in?

Every f***ing time. Every f***ing time.

- Where's Bovver?

- He's been in the toilet for 15 minutes.

- Dodgy Ruby or something.

- Look, he looks lost.

Ruby Murray means curry.

We call it cockney rhyming slang.

Slang. Yeah, like bees and honey for money.

- Struggle and grunt for c*nt!

- Why'd you go there?

- Like septic tank for Yank.

- Bovver.

- Bov.

- How you doing? All right?

This is Matt, Shannon's brother.

Hey.

That's the proper... He don't give a f***.

- He don't give a f***.

- Mate, he's practically family.

Ah, mate, it's f***ing painful.

Bov's a miserable c*nt,

but we love him dearly, don't we?

- Sometimes.

- Like a f***ing brother.

- Grab these last two pints.

- Get some salted peanuts.

- Sure.

- Bov, come on.

- He's all right, man.

- What's with all the f***ing babysitting?

- You know we had a meet set up for today.

- I'll stay out the way.

- It's not like we didn't have it last night.

- What? That's not the bloody point, is it?

We look like right mugs

if our fearless leader don't show

'cause he's playing

pin the tail on the f***ing Yank.

He's right. He's got a point.

You let me worry about that, all right, boys?

As for the Yank, he's too modest to tell you,

but back in the States he's an internationally

ranked double black belt in karate.

- Is he f***! Look at the size of him.

- No.

Bloody Karate Kid film? Based on his exploits.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's true.

- Bollocks! Bollocks!

- Come on, why not?

You've been here f***ing five minutes

and you're lying.

[# The Stone Roses: Waterfall]

# Now you're at the wheel

# Tell me how does it feel?

# So good to have equalised

# To lift up the lids of your eyes

# As the miles, they disappear

# See land begin to clear... #

He's now officially cockney, the boy.

Hey!

[All cheer]

- [Chant] Oh, East London!

- Is wonderful!

- Is wonderful!

- # Oh, East London is wonderful

# It's full of tits, fanny at West Ham

- # Oh, East London is wonderful #

- Oh, East London!

- Oh, East London!

- Is wonderful!

Is wonderful!

You know that bollocks you was talking

about earlier about Karate Kid.

That's horse piss, right?

- Oh, no, no.

- No, mate. Sh*t's Gospel of Paul.

- Yeah.

- What was your coach's name?

Little Chink geezer. What was his name?

- In the first one?

- All f***ing three.

Why weren't you in the fourth one?

Why'd you let the side down?

You weren't there, mate...

# Stick a blue flag up your arse

# Up your arse, up your arse... #

What was his f***ing name, your mentor?

You owe it all to him.

- I can't remember it.

- Miyagi!

- Miyagi! F***'s sake.

- Miyagi.

Miyagi. Mr Miyagi.

He was based on a real person.

They based him on a real person.

That's out of order. Did they pay him?

- Of course he got f***ing paid.

- Just imagine the situation.

No, listen, seriously. Imagine the situation.

- Someone uses you in a f***ing film...

- It's a liberty.

Don't take the piss out of me.

This is real stuff I'm talking about.

- To the real Mr Miyagi!

- [Cheering]

Oi, listen to this. This is our song.

# They reach the sky

# And like my dreams they fade and die

# Fortune's always hiding

# I've looked everywhere

# I'm forever blowing bubbles

# Pretty bubbles in the air #

United!

United! United!

# Let's go f***ing mental

Let's go f***ing mental

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Let's go f***ing mental

Let's go f***ing mental

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Let's go f***ing mental... #

Friend of the family, eh?

Pete might be showing you a bit of courtesy,

you being Shannon's brother,

but get it straight, we don't like outsiders.

All right?

Come on, you Hammers!

All right, mate?

Hey, Pete, look, I'm gonna head home.

I'm not feeling so hot. Jet lag.

F*** off. You're not missing the game.

You wanted to learn about soccer.

# I'm forever blowing bubbles

# Pretty bubbles in the air

# They fly so high, they reach the sky

# And like my dreams, they fade and die

# Fortune's always hiding

# I've looked everywhere

# I'm forever blowing bubbles

# Pretty bubbles in the air #

United!

United! United!

Come on, you Irons!

Come on, you Irons!

Look out, mate.

We're the most watched country in the world.

Keep your head down.

[Indistinct Tannoy announcements]

[# Kasabian:
Stuntman]

Sweet, innit? Come on.

[Whistle blows]

...you monkeys!

Get the f*** out of here!

Come on, you Irons!

F***ing have him, my son.

He's in the box.

What the f***?!

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