Hope Springs Page #7

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I've got to show you this.

This is my family tree

going back 300 years.

Doug found this website in Salt Lake City

that has the genealogy

of everybody in the world.

You type in your credit-card details and up

comes your family tree. It's amazing. Look.

Here I am - Vera Edwards.

And there is Alicia.

And then there's my dad.

And there's the person he married.

- Your mother.

- Right.

Then there's Grandma Edwards.

That's her maiden name,

except they've spelt it wrong.

- No, they haven't.

- Yes, they have. It's Kendal with one I.

Then you get up here.

This is where it gets good.

Here is Godwyn Edwards

and his wife, Abigail.

Do you know who those two people are?

They're everywhere! Look!

Godwyn Edwards. And Abigail Edwards.

The people that founded Hope

are my ancestors!

- Good heavens!

- I know. I couldn't believe it. It's amazing.

But that's just the start.

- There's more?

- Yes.

You know there's this annual Cannon Ball

thing that happens on Saturday?

Apparently that's when they choose

the new Queen of Hope.

Queen of Hope?

Doug chooses who will represent the town

as its queen.

The ridiculous thing is, he thinks, because

of my family history, I should apply.

- To be queen?

- I know! It's preposterous, isn't it?

I mean, it's absurd, even for me.

Isn't it?

- Is it?

- I don't know, you see.

Is it something

I should really contemplate doing?

I don't know.

What does being Queen of Hope involve?

It's just a week of engagements

and things like that.

And they want the queen to

promote the new mineral water this year.

He wants to build a whole ad campaign

around it. TV spots, public appearances.

- Her picture on the label.

- Presumably you'd have a crown?

There's a whole special outfit.

He showed me lots of old photographs.

- Of lots of old queens?

- Of former incumbents.

I know we're having major differences,

but I could really use your advice on this.

I can't do this.

- I can't go on with this.

- Go on with what?

This. This joke. It's all a joke, Vera.

- What do you mean, a joke?

- This is just a fake. I made it up.

The family-tree thing, anyway. The queen

thing was a Doug Reed embellishment.

I was just so pissed off with you,

with all your tricks and the way

you've been buggering things up for me.

That is so bloody typical of you.

You have never, ever, been able

to share in my excitement about anything.

- It's a fake, Vera.

- It is not a fake, Colin.

It is a fake. Look. "Kendall",

even spelt wrong the way I spell it wrong.

I watched Doug log on and type in

my details. I saw this being printed out.

I saw it with my own eyes!

Of course, because he loaded it all up

in advance! I saw him with my own eyes!

Have you looked closely?

Tom Jones is in there!

- Jones is a very common Welsh name.

- Yes, but married to a Catherine Zeta?

I bet you and Mandy

had a right giggle about this.

We're not together any more.

- Really?

- Really.

It's all over?

Yeah.

You're still not coming home with me,

though, are you?

No.

Sorry, ma'am, there's no smoking.

Are you two finished?

You know, I do believe we are.

I'll be right back with your check, then.

What are you going to do now, then?

Be Queen of Hope?

Colin Ware! Two words!

Two words I have for you, Colin Ware:

Class act.

I know history has witnessed a long line

of lunacy from your small island shores,

but for a man of your apparent intelligence

to relinquish from his emotional grasp

that shimmering angel

of sensual splendour...

You seem very smitten.

You're taking off? You're not hanging

around for the biggest bang of the year?

Not the biggest bang of your year,

from what I understand.

It's been very, very nice to meet you, Doug.

Thank you for everything.

No, thank you, Colin! Thank you!

Thanks to you,

that terrible, wondrous thing

that poets have sung about

down through the ages

has finally found its way into

the lonely heart of Douglas Elmore Reed!

And now,

please welcome Mayor Doug Reed!

Thank you very much.

And now,

as is our great and cherished tradition,

we get the annual Cannon Ball rolling

with the introduction

of the new Queen of Hope!

Help me welcome her. Raise

your glasses for the new Queen of Hope,

Miss Vera Edwards!

Man the phones, Fisher!

Look, I got this fax from Colin,

from the airport.

- Is it for me?

- For you?

When you make a guy promise

never to get in touch,

they can make the wild assumption that

you don't want them ever to get in touch.

Sorry, honey. But did Colin ever mention

his cousin, Cheswick, over in Ohio?

Colin arranged for this guy to visit,

then forgot to cancel it before he flew off.

He's faxed me asking me

if I would meet this guy

at the gardens

where they had arranged to meet - now.

And I've got to set up the barbecue

at the inn, and the rooms need doing and...

- So you want me to go.

- A free Filet-o-Fisher tonight.

Excuse me. Are you Mandy?

You must be Cheswick.

Yes. That's right.

Pleased to meet you.

I guess you got to know my cousin Colin

pretty well when he was up here.

He's an odd chap, didn't you find?

He's very odd.

Colin told me he promised never to

contact you. Something about a passport?

He didn't think it'd break the rules

if I spoke to you.

But he didn't warn me

about your bizarre dress sense.

Do you want to sit down for a minute?

Did Colin tell you about my hobby?

Colin, at first this Cheswick stuff

was really funny, but now it's just irritating.

He didn't tell you about my hobby?

No, Cheswick. What is your hobby?

I collect jewellery.

Can I show you an example?

I picked this up in a store in Columbus

the other day.

It's just a little gold ring

with a thing on it.

I think it's a moth.

Is this a friendship ring or something?

The chap in the store said that it was

an engagement ring, which surprised me.

I thought engagement rings

were silverish, with a diamond.

But no. Apparently they can be

any way you want them.

There's one disappointing thing.

On the bus coming up here, I took it out

to look at it, and I noticed it's second-hand.

Underneath, there's a little heart and two

names, presumably the previous owners.

It's very small but you can just about

make them out - I forget the names.

Mandy?

Perhaps you should take this off.

- Mandy, can you speak?

- I'm sorry. You can put me down now.

- No, I want to carry you.

- No, really. I can walk.

- I want to carry you.

- I want to walk.

Mandy, I'm experiencing an atavistic urge

right now to carry you, OK?

- Where is the car?

- At home. Why? Where are we going?

- I checked back in at the inn.

- You can't carry me all the way back there.

Please don't interfere. My manhood is

crying out to meet this supreme challenge.

Good afternoon,

Mrs Peterson, Mr Peterson!

Just keeping you up to date on things!

- Sorry if this seems a bit primitive.

- Primitive's fine.

- But don't throw your back out, OK?

- I have a back of iron.

I must be getting too heavy now.

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