Horrible Bosses

I get to work before the sun comes up

and I leave long after it's gone down.

I haven't had sex in six months

with someone other than myself.

And the only thing in my refrigerator

is an old lime.

Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.

- Morning, Thomas.

-Good morning, Nick. You better hurry.

But here's the thing:

This is just temporary.

Quick story:

My grandmother came to this country

with $20 in her pocket.

She worked hard her whole life

and never took sh*t from anyone.

When she died, she had

turned that $20 into $2000.

That sucks.

You know why she didn't succeed?

Because she didn't take sh*t

from anyone.

The key to success--

They will not teach you this

in business school. --is taking sh*t.

That's what I've been doing the last

eight years, and it's all about to pay off.

This is Nick.

I'm this close to getting a big promotion

with my own office.

I'll be right there, Mr. Harken.

Then all the endless hours,

and the sacrifice and the sh*t-eating...

...will have been worth it.

See, this is what concerns me, Nick.

You're a punctual guy. You know

the importance of being here right at 6 a.m.

Which is what leads me to think that...

...there must be something wrong

with the clock on our system.

May have been a minute late.

But according to this, you were

two minutes late. So either you're a liar...

...or this system is off by a full minute.

The only hitch?

I work for this guy, David Harken...

...who right now is giving me some

fresh sh*t for being two minutes late.

He's a total f***ing a**hole.

If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire

Thomas, our longtime security coordinator.

- I may have been two minutes late.

- Oh.

Well, then you were lying.

No. I-- Who you calling?

- Thomas. I gotta let him go.

- No, uh--

- I was lying. Sorry.

- Lying?

I didn't mean to. It was more of a saying.

"Might have been a minute late."

Literally, uh, truthfully,

was two minutes late.

Boy, I have to get used to driving

with this big, heavy ring on my finger.

- Come on.

- I keep swerving to the left, babe.

When I was a kid, people would

ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I always gave the same answer.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

I wanted to be a husband.

- I will call you when I'm done.

- Have a good day.

I know that sounds weird.

Most boys wanna be firehouse chiefs

or personal trainers...

...but to me being a husband

was, like, the highest calling.

And thanks to Stacy...

...that dream's about to come true.

Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you

to be a husband unless you marry Oprah.

So I had to find a job.

Now, I always admired dentists.

They're smart, they're capable,

they keep your teeth healthy.

So I went out and I became one.

- How are you today, Dale?

- I'm fine. Thanks.

Excavator.

Okay, I became a dental assistant.

It's basically the same thing.

I just make a lot less money.

Did you ever see that show Gossip Girl?

- No.

- Ooh.

I watched an episode last night.

I fingered myself so hard to that

Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.

And it would have been

the perfect job. If not for one...

...evil crazy b*tch, D.D.S.

I bet you're no shrimp in

the cock department, huh, there, Dale?

- Okay, Julia. Come on.

- What?

- I'm uncomfortable talking about that.

- Oh, Dale, come on.

You know that I like to fool around.

- Oops.

-Mr. Anderton.

Not in the office. This is bad.

- Bad, bad, bad!

- You probably shouldn't hit the patients.

Ah, I love this. So festive.

I love my job.

If you ask me, anyone who hates their job

has no one to blame but themself.

We make our own destinies,

and I've made a sweet one.

We have stairs.

You don't need to bring your own.

I'm an account manager at a chemical

company. I'll tell you, the job has its perks.

Hi, can I help you?

He's just signing for these packages.

Thank you.

Oh, no. I should do this.

Reggie, I got this. Thank you, buddy.

- This is high-priority stuff here.

- Thank you.

- So, what's going on here?

- I'm sorry?

- Is this one of those hidden camera shows?

- What do you mean?

You're way too cute

to be just a FedEx girl.

You gotta be a model or actress

or something, right?

What happens when I open these?

Something'll jump out, bite my penis?

No. Nothing's gonna jump out.

I'm just a FedEx girl.

- Shut up.

- Ha, ha.

- Bye.

- Have a great afternoon.

Thank you.

I didn't sign that form, by the way,

so she has to come back.

She's cute, huh, Reg?

- Caught another fly in your web, did you?

- Ha, ha. Hey, Jack.

But the real reason I'm here is this guy:

Jack Pellit, my boss.

The sweetest man I know.

He loves me and I love him.

Everybody loves him.

- You all right, Margie?

- Hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt.

I've been waiting to get in there

for a while.

- Who's in there?

- It's your son.

Bobby!

Margie's waiting.

You nearly done in there?

A man can't get any privacy around here.

- Okay, Margie. Bobby?

- What?

Your stomach okay? You seem

to spend more time on the toilet...

...than at your desk.

I didn't realize I had to tell you

every time I wanna take a dump.

If the worst thing about this job

is having to tolerate my boss's...

...dipshit cokehead son,

well, it's a small price to pay.

Need me to tell you when I pee-pee?

I'm just trying to get you to do

your part, son. It's not easy times.

I do my part. I do other people's parts.

But it doesn't matter to you. You just

wanna ride my ass because I'm your son.

You know what? I don't hear you

giving dickskin any sh*t.

- "Dickskin"? Nice.

- Kiss-ass.

-Come on, come on.

- Yeah, go on. In you go.

Get in the f***ing--!

- I'm a green belt, motherf***er.

- What?

- Yeah. All right?

-Okay.

Now, I know you've been working

your tail off for that promotion.

But I'm not sure I can even consider...

...making you the senior vice president

of sales...

...if I can't trust you.

- You can trust me.

- Yeah, now you sound like my wife.

"Trust me. You can trust me, honey.

Nothing's happening behind your back.

Trust me."

Meanwhile, she's f***ing

every guy in the neighborhood.

Oh, you want one?

It's 8:
15 a.m.

Well, is there something wrong with

a man enjoying a drink in the morning?

No.

Thank you. Sure, thanks.

Bottoms up.

Nothing for you?

Nick, it's 8:
15 in the morning.

I'm not an alcoholic.

The only reason I took one,

I thought you were gonna have one.

You took one because you thought I was?

Is that something a senior VP would do?

I was just trying to be polite.

So if I, uh, was gonna put my balls

in honey and shaved coconut...

...you'd do that too?

- I would not.

- Sure?

- Yeah.

- Because I've got some coconut.

I'm having my teeth whitened Tuesday. You

have to get your work done by Monday...

...which means you'll probably

be here all weekend.

Look, if you want a promotion,

you gotta earn it.

Now, what do I keep saying?

Life is a marathon,

and you cannot win a marathon...

...without putting a few Band-Aids

on your nipples, right?

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