Horrible Bosses Page #2

Right.

Nick.

It's 18-year-old Scotch.

You don't really expect me to

pour it back into the bottle, do you?

- Water.

- Yep.

All right. Let's see if this thing's working.

Oh!

- Oh, my God.

-Oh! I'm sorry. I'm a squirter, Dale.

- Oh, you know what?

- What?

Ah. I think I can make out

our little friend right there.

Stop it.

- Somebody's circumcised.

- Okay.

- Listen.

- What?

- Can we stop doing this thing here?

- Why? Because you have a girlfriend?

She's not just my girlfriend anymore.

We're engaged now.

- What?

- We're engaged.

You said that she was

just a hole for your dick.

I never said that.

Not really my style.

Shut up.

That's a lot of gas.

- That's good. No, those are great ideas.

- Yeah?

- Put them down on paper, will you?

- Will do.

- You're happy here, aren't you?

- Yeah, of course.

Good.

You got a bright future here,

you know?

Someday soon,

it'll be you running this place.

- See you, kid.

- All right, now.

- Drive safe.

- Yeah.

Oh, sh*t.

He had a heart attack.

They said his, uh, heart burst in his chest

like a water balloon.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry, man.

I know you guys were close.

Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy.

I loved working for him, you know?

It was, like, awesome.

Now his shitbag son's

gonna be in charge and it's like--

The cokehead?

Yeah. Know how many times

I caught him doing blow at work?

This thing's a real bummer. Sorry. You're

the only one of us who didn't hate his job.

Did I tell you that Harken tricked me

into having a drink at 8:00 this morning?

I mean, I work for the Antichrist.

- How did he trick you?

- I thought he was giving you a promotion.

He is, definitely.

That's why he's being extra evil.

This is his last chance

to make my life miserable.

Right. At least your boss

isn't sexually harassing you.

- God. Here we go.

- Don't give me sh*t.

You won't get sympathy for this.

She's going crazy. It's like a totally

hostile work environment now, man.

- It's not funny.

- Yeah?

All right, today she starts spraying water

at my crotch to see the outline of my dick.

- That's great.

- It's not great.

What are you talking about?

Why don't you just, you know, f*** her?

Because I am engaged to be married

and I love my fiance, okay?

That's true.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

What about getting

a different dental hygienist job?

I can't get another job.

- No, he's a child molester, Nick.

- No, uh, deviant. Sexual deviant?

What is it? How do they classify it?

Sex offender.

I'm on the registered

sex offender list, yes.

You can't get that expunged? All you did

was pull your dick out on a playground.

I was taking a piss at night,

there were no kids.

All right, you know what? You don't

put a playground right next to a bar.

-It's entrapment.

- Mm-hm.

Speaking of entrapment, I'm gonna go

see that girl about her vagina.

Excuse me.

He did say 10:
00, right?

- Yeah. Do you know what this is about?

- It just said "staff meeting" on the memo.

It's funny how he gets all over my ass if I'm

a minute late, but then he makes us wait 15.

-You were two minutes late.

- Morning.

Didn't think I had to punch a clock

with you.

I'll just attribute this

to your drinking problem.

- I don't have--

- Please, we're in the middle of a meeting.

Morning, everyone.

So I have finally decided...

...who I want to be our new

senior vice president of sales.

He's right here in this room.

- It's me.

- What'd he say?

I've decided to absorb

the responsibilities...

...of the senior VP position

into my own.

I've realized if you wanna get something

done right, you gotta do it yourself.

I'll break through the wall of the office

that would have been the senior VP's...

...and make one huge, enormous office.

However, I will only be taking 85 percent

of the additional salary I am entitled to...

...and that is self-sacrifice, people.

Learn from it.

F***er!

You f***ing son of a b*tch!

You are so f***ing fired!

Yeah!

So, meeting adjourned.

- Can I speak to you?

- Sure, what is it?

For months you've been hinting

I was in line for that promotion.

And look how hard you've been working.

- You were just lying to me?

- Lying?

No, Nick, motivating.

I mean, look, we're all

part of the same team here.

Plus, you know, I'm the one

who's gonna be doing all the extra work.

You know last month

you made me work so late...

...I missed saying goodbye

to my Gam Gam?

- Sorry, what?

- My grandmother.

I told you I needed to see her

because she was very sick.

You said if I left early, I'd get fired.

And she died

before I made it to the hospital.

- I'm sorry.

- Thank you.

I had no idea that you called

your grandmother "Gam Gam."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you didn't get to

say bye-bye to Gam Gam.

Really, I really am. I'm sorry.

But I needed you to work late because you

are an invaluable member of this operation.

And I need you in the position you're in.

Well, tough sh*t, okay?

Been in that position for eight years. Why

would I stay after being treated like this?

Well, because I'd make sure that nobody

in the industry would ever hire you again.

Bullshit.

No, because they're gonna want

my letter of recommendation, right?

So I'm perfectly willing to write that

you are an insubordinate, dishonest drunk.

You can't do that. That's not true.

Let me tell you something,

you stupid little runt.

I own you.

You're my b*tch.

Don't walk around thinking

you have free will because you don't.

I can crush you any time I want.

So settle in because you are here

for the long haul.

Yo, dickwall.

- What the f***?

- What?

Three hours late. What's the deal?

- I was at your father's funeral.

- Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

Maybe that excuse would have flown when

my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.

That excuse wouldn't make any sense

if your dad was still here.

Whoa.

In my office, now.

Yes?

All right, sit.

- I'm not a dog, Bobby.

- Good boy.

I've been looking through the books.

You're the accountant. Tell me...

- ...why is this company in the crapper?

- Well, we're not.

- It's a recession, but we're still profitable.

- Bullshit.

Look...

...I know you and my dad were, uh, pals.

Okay?

Frankly, I always thought

it was a little bit weird and gay.

I have no idea why he thought

you were so f***ing special.

But that doesn't matter now,

he's in the ground.

I'm your boss. And there's gonna be

some changes around here.

- Can't wait to hear them.

- First things first.

EnviroTech Waste Management.

It's costing us a lot of money.

Your dad chose to dispose

of our waste responsibly.

To do that, you gotta spend money.

Bolivians will do it for a third

of the price. I'll hire them.

- You can't go to them.

- Why?

They're gonna endanger

local residents.

Oh, I give a f*** some tribesman

gets cancer. Cry me a f***ing river.

They're not tribesmen.

It's a modern society.

Do I look like I f***ing care?

Your dad told me very clearly

he would rather die...

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