Horrible Bosses Page #3

...than save money

and hurt people, okay?

Well, guess what, looks like

we're right on schedule, doesn't it?

What else? Gotta trim

some of the fat around here.

What do you mean by "trim the fat"?

- I want you to fire the fat people.

- What?

They're lazy, and slow

and they make me sad to look at.

You can start with Large Marge.

Marge, can you come in here, please?

No, Margie's not fat, she's pregnant.

I'm not gonna fire her.

Well, fine. Uh...

...stay where you are, Marge.

Congratulations.

- You can fire, uh, Professor Xavier.

- Who are you talking about?

- You mean Hank?

- Yeah.

He creeps me out, rolling around

all day in his special secret chair.

- He's up to something.

- I won't fire anyone.

- You're not? Oh, really?

- Yeah, really.

It's like you don't care

about this company at all.

No f***ing sh*t I don't care about

this company. This is just an ATM to me.

You think when I was a kid I dreamed

of running a f***ing chemical company?

No. I dreamed of being on a beach

with a model serving me tropical drinks.

That's what I dreamed of.

That's what's gonna happen...

...as soon as I squeeze the profit out

of this company. But first things first.

You either fire the fatty or you

fire the cripple, or I fire all three of you.

Do the math.

One loses the job or three loses it.

And tell him to leave his handicap

parking pass here as well.

Come in.

Julia, you needed to see me?

Oh, sh*t.

Uh-oh.

- Will you have a seat, Dale?

- Do I have to?

Please.

Sure.

This is a little ridiculous, but--

Look, Dale, you know, I know that

I like to fool around at work. Right?

And I might even-- You know,

I might even cross the line a bit.

But the last thing that I wanna do

is make you uncomfortable.

I mean, it's just not professional.

You know?

And I pride myself

on being a professional.

So from now on, what I would like you

to do is just tell me, you know...

...when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?

Okay. Now.

What?

Well, now,

you're kind of crossing a line...

...because you're naked.

Uh....

Not naked, Dale.

- Can you see my p*ssy?

- Hmm.

True. Um....

But I think, uh, even really

saying the word "p*ssy" is--

- That's crossing the line?

- Little bit.

You're starting to sound like

a little f*ggot.

There we go. That one's another one,

probably illegal thing to say too.

Okay. Let's not talk about illegal,

Mr. I-Like-To-Pee-On-Little-Boys.

It was an empty playground

in the middle of the night.

Ah. That's weirder. Poor child

must have been terrified.

There were no children. No kids in the park.

Why do people think that?

You know what? Forget it. Listen,

let's just cut to the chase, all right, mister?

- You're engaged now.

- Right.

And I respect the institution of

marriage way too much to violate it.

So that's why you're gonna have to

f*** me well before the wedding.

Because the closer we get to this date,

the less ladylike I'm gonna feel about it.

Julia, I'm not gonna sleep with you.

We'll see about that.

Get out.

Could you do the, uh...?

I'm a sucker.

Harken wasn't gonna promote me.

That coked-up prick

is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals.

He's just gonna fire everybody.

She stood there with her breasts

right in my face.

Yeah, you know,

yours doesn't sound that bad.

I'll stop bringing it up.

I don't understand

why you guys don't quit.

Julia's the only one who'd hire me.

Are you registered sex offenders?

Going to school, changing fields, starting

from the bottom. Who wants to do that?

What do I care about protecting

Pellit's name when his own son doesn't?

- Gotta be a million jobs out there.

- You could find another job.

-Is this really happening? Look at this.

- Oh!

The Three Musketeers. Nick, Kurt and Dale.

Look, hanging like high school.

-Oh, sh*t. Kenny's here.

- What's up?

- Yeah, I love this.

- Kenny Sommerfeld.

-In the flesh, boys.

- Oh, my goodness.

Now, I heard you moved to New York,

you're working at Lehman Brothers.

- They, uh, hired me right out of Yale.

- What are you doing here?

-You read the papers? They shut us down.

- Right. Sorry about that.

I've been looking for work

for the last two years.

I can't even get a job waiting tables.

Ah, you know what, though?

I would f***ing murder those

Lehman Brothers if I could.

Yeah, I hear you.

Ha. I can't even pay

for this f***ing drink.

Well, we'll cover it, right?

Seriously, uh, you guys think

you could help me out a little?

- Beyond the drink?

- Maybe some extra scratch, if you got it.

Of course. Kenny, I had no idea

it was that bad, buddy. All I got's 15.

-Do you have change for a 10?

- No, I don't.

You know what? That's probably

not gonna cut it, so I'll tell you what.

How about I give you guys

some hand jobs?

-Do what?

- Forty bucks apiece.

We could do it here in the bathroom.

- No thanks.

- That's a joke? You're joking?

-Kenny.

- Hey!

- Oh, sh*t.

-Come on, man.

I told you no more handies in here.

You guys change your minds,

I'm staying at my mom's house.

Okay.

Maybe don't quit your job.

I guess we'll be miserable

for the rest of our lives? That's the deal?

- That's the way it's looking.

-Why you saying that?

We don't have many options, do we?

Think about it, we can quit our jobs

and turn into Kenny...

...or, uh, keep our jobs

and just become spineless losers...

...that spend their entire day

dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.

- You do that too?

- Of course.

- Sounds a little sick.

- It's not. It's just a way to blow off steam.

It's not like we're gonna

actually kill our bosses.

- Good.

- Ha, ha. Though you would have to admit...

...that our lives would be a lot easier

if our bosses weren't alive.

Mm-hm.

Hypothetically, if we could do it and none

of us get caught, would you guys do it?

- No.

- I would.

- No, you wouldn't.

- I would.

-You would?

- Yeah.

It's not murder if it's justified.

Justifiable homicide, right?

I can't wait to hear this.

If one evil person dies

for the greater good, so be it.

You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute

monster. He's a f***ing jerk.

If he has his way, he's gonna end up

killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.

What?

Technically, I think it's immoral

not to kill him.

I should kill Harken for not letting me

say goodbye to Gam Gam?

Yes. Yes, you should.

But I don't care how bad our bosses are.

We're not murderers.

Julia is ruining your life, you know?

That's wrong.

- That is wrong.

- It's affecting your possible marriage.

- Come on, she's not ruining it.

- Would your life be easier without Julia?

You're right.

Uh, know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go to Julia's house,

maybe I'll slash her up...

...and I'll put her in a box and I'll mail it

to you two, uh, tough-guy mafiosos.

I'm done with this conversation. You're

paying for dinner because you've upset me.

You're paying

and I'm finding a cab somehow.

I was just speaking hypothetically,

you know.

Me too.

Guess who.

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